Top 10 Strangest Fan Fiction Stories

Fan fiction is perhaps the single strangest method of creative expression ever conceived. Despite the fact that the form is fueled entirely by people incapable of coming up with their own characters, there are works that show a remarkable—and often disturbing—level of creativity. Writers, unchained from the burdens of conventional standards of plot, pacing and grammar, are free to put their favorite characters in any situation they can dream of; and what they dream of is often insane. Here are ten fan fiction stories that we found especially baffling; although because TopTenz strives to be safe for work we eliminated any explicitly erotic stories—and therefore 99.97% of the genre—from consideration.

10.  Sailor/ G.I. Joe

G.I. Joe represents America’s finest artistic achievement, and Sailor Moon represents how crazy Japan is. But what happens when the two forces team up to fight their enemies? Cultures collide, magical girls join the military, and stuff gets blown up. A lot of stuff. That’s pretty much all this story is about, actually; it’s like a novelization of the G.I. Joe movie, except with a lot more teenage girls talking about teenage girl things. While they kill people.

The Full Story

It’s a weird combination, because G.I. Joe is manlier than punching a grizzly bear to death while Sailor Moon’s target demographic consists entirely of 12 year old girls; so the writer of this story is either a very confused young man or the most awesome 12 year old girl ever. Also, we’d like to note that they dedicated their tale to the victims of 9/11, which, as we all know, was Cobra Commander’s most heinous act to date.

Excerpt

“Before the Vipers could raise a weapon, the Senshi attacked. ‘Jupiter Oak Evolution!’ Jupiter roared and hurtled a bolt of lightning at the HEAT and SAW Vipers. Both of them screamed as they were engulfed, electricity coursing through them, and both collapsed to the ground with a groan, twitching.”

9. Avatar and Twilight Combine in an Orgy of Clichés

You know those vampire books that all the kids these days are talking about? This may shock you, but they’re popular fodder for fan fiction. Hundreds of thousands of stories popular, to be precise. Out of all that craziness, this crossover with Avatar represents the strangest story we could find before our minds rebelled and refused to process any more tales about sparkling vampires and homoerotic werewolves.

The Full Story

The Twilight gang has come to Pandora to become involved in the Avatar project, presumably because budget cuts have made vapid teenage girls and mopey bloodsuckers the only affordable candidates for becoming nine foot tall Smurfs. Once transformed, they explore the wonders of nature and… oh, wait, they mostly just whine to each other about their love lives. There is a climactic battle, but it’s little more than a brief interruption of all the lovey-dovey talk. So if you liked Avatar but wished all the action had been replaced with sexual tension, then this is the story for you! You creep.

Excerpt

“I’d heard a new guy had arrived today for the Avatar Project,” Jacob says to me in a low voice. “But I haven’t met him yet.” Then he catches my tortured expression. “Bells, don’t worry. I haven’t caught any scent of vampire here. It’s a coinci… oh, ****. Never mind, now I do smell vampire. I’m sorry, Bella.”

8. Halo:  Now With 100% More Anthropomorphic Hedgehog Murder

Sonic the Hedgehog games seem pretty straightforward, but there’s something about the franchise that’s attracted a legion of disturbingly obsessive fans. This story about Sonic characters in the Halo world is just a brief glimpse into Sonic fandom; much stranger tales exist, but to go any deeper would be to invite madness.

The Full Story

The Halo universe is being threatened by an ancient evil, and Sonic and his superfluous friends are just kind of hanging out in it. You’d think that a bunch of anthropomorphized animals would be useless in a place populated entirely by deadly soldiers, and, well, you’d be right. Sonic and company spend most of their time getting in the way, which makes their pointless presence even more mystifying. Also, Amy Rose (a 12 year old girl hedgehog) is violently murdered by a space marine in one of the more disturbing scenes we’ve ever read. Although it’s still not as disturbing as any of the countless stories that involve her having sex.

Excerpt

“Amy attempted to punch and kick sloppily at the soldier, while 018 pointed his sword to the right. He then kicked Amy in the chest, throwing her into one of the walls that held a stone statue that had a fragile build to it, destroying it completely in the procedure. 018 noticed Amy’s dress was becoming wet from the inside, and 018 realized that he might have snapped something from within her infant feeding areas.”

7. NCIS:  Rapture

In this very special NCIS story, the team seriously oversteps their authority when they decide to investigate the secret underwater city of Rapture from the BioShock video games. If you’re not familiar with the games, all you need to know is that they involve crazy people with superhuman powers in a city with a crime rate even worse than Detroit’s. If you’re not familiar with NCIS, all you need to know is that it’s CSI on boats.

The Full Story

The story begins with one of the NCIS members playing BioShock, but in a plot twist that will blow your mind the team learns that the video game is based on reality. Why a secret city would create a video game that would do nothing except incriminate everybody who lived there isn’t explained, but most video games are full of plot holes so we guess we can let it slide.

After that startling revelation, the team says “Hey, we should blow up this city for some reason,” and then they go down there and shoot everybody. In just 14,000 words the team racks up a bigger body count than every episode of the show combined has seen; but it’s all for a good cause because they… uh… actually, they just kill a lot of insane people who were minding their own business. And that’s a shame, because their lack of motivation is the only flaw in this otherwise airtight premise.

Excerpt

“Remember, there are no humans here” whispered Vance. The rest nodded, and they quietly crept up behind the splicer before bludgeoning her to death.”

6. Harry Potter and The Pirates of the Caribbean

There’s a surprising amount of fan fiction involving Harry Potter and the Pirates movies, although the vast majority of stories are simply about Jack Sparrow boning one or more Hogwarts students (usually the male ones). This particular story takes a bold step forward by adding something that vaguely resembles a plot, which explores the question that mankind has asked for generations: what would happen if the Harry Potter heroes went back in time and sailed with the Pirates characters? Of course, there’s still lots of boning, but it’s (relatively) tasteful.

The Full Story

OK, so the plot is mostly an excuse for Harry and his pals to fall in love with Sparrow and company. Which, given their ages differences, is rather disturbing. There is some action, but even during the fight scenes our heroes mostly stand in the background and daydream about each other. Furthermore, everybody’s personalities have been set to “giggling buffoon” mode, which makes the romances so sugary that they become rather nauseating; it’s like watching Care Bears make out. Oh, and Ron gets murdered because there was an uneven number of protagonists. Love can be cruel sometimes.

Excerpt

“Do you, Hermione Granger, take Jack Sparrow to be your loftly wedded husband? Till death due you part?” the priest turned and asked her.

“I do” she responded. She looked back at Jack. Their eyes exchanged looks of love.

5. James Bond Takes Down SPECTRE with the Help of Pinocchio

When the new leader of SPECTRE threatens to turn every child in Europe into a donkey, it’s up to James Bond to stop his nefarious plan. But he can’t do it alone, which is why MI6 must call upon the aid of a time traveling Pinocchio, Jiminy Cricket, Lampwick and Geppetto. Why they’re traveling through time to fight evil isn’t made clear, but since any attempt at an explanation would probably make our heads explode we’re not going to complain.

The Full Story

Rather than turn Pinocchio and company into stone cold killing machines, the author instead chose to bring James Bond down to a G rating. While this does keep things family friendly (and this story will no doubt become a timeless family classic one day), it unfortunately eliminates the Bond franchise’s signature wit. So, to our great disappointment, Pinocchio doesn’t lie in order to spear a bad guy with his nose while saying something like “I hope you don’t mind me nosing around.” Although Geppetto does blow up two motorcycles, so that’s something.

Excerpt

“James Bond’s view of M’s three guests changed when he saw not a microphone under the hat but a rather large clothed anthropomorphic cricket. James was a logical man like all 00 agents had to be but the only logical conclusion to seeing the cricket was were real life characters from the aftermath of the story of Pinocchio when the puppet was made a real boy. James Bond was not only in the presence of time travelers, but time travelers from an earth time line where the story of Pinocchio was true and not a fairy tale.”

4. Lord of the Scooby Snacks

While The Lord of the Rings is undeniably a masterpiece, we can all agree that it would have been even better had it also included a talking dog that solved mysteries. One fan fiction author, seeing the error of J.R.R. Tolkien’s ways, wrote a story that dropped the cast of Scooby Doo straight into Middle Earth.

The tale begins with Scooby and the rest of the gang finding the one ring, which transports them to the Shire and turns them into hobbits. They promptly team up with Frodo and company to destroy the ring; the story is basically the same as the source material, except most of the rich mythology has been replaced with a love triangle featuring Fred, Daphne and Legolas. Oh, and Scooby falls in love with a sexy elf dog.

The Full Story

Sadly, this epic wasn’t finished, so we’ll never know how it ends. However, we’re willing to bet that the plan was for Sauron to be defeated by an elaborate Rube Goldberg machine, at which point he was unmasked and revealed to be mean old Lobelia Baggins.

Excerpt

“Fred glares at Legolas. “Oh man! Why on Middle Earth did have to get stuck with this guy?”Fred thinks. “And I wish I knew why Daphne likes him so much.” Fred looks a Legolas’s long hair and his tall figure. “So he’s handsome, I still don’t see what’s so great about him.” The young Hobbit thinks. “I hope we reach the town soon.” Just then Fred hears a noise that sound a bit like Orks.”

3. Sherlock Holmes and Watson Make Out, Also Have Pokemon

People have been writing Sherlock Holmes fan fiction since the character’s debut, but this story is unique in that it also involves Pokémon, and it involves them for a reason that not even the great detective could figure out.

The Full Story

The tale begins with Holmes trying to seduce Watson, but Watson is so distressed by this that he packs up his Pokémon and leaves for another city to become a Pokémon doctor. Holmes, unable to resist his true love, tracks Watson down, shows him his newly acquired Pokémon, and pretty much comes within a step of committing rape. At first Watson resists, but then their two Pokémon merge into one, and Watson is so impressed by the act that he gives into his feelings for Holmes. They share a passionate kiss, and while much is left unanswered we’re just thankful that the story ended before they showed each other their second kind of pocket monster, if you know what we mean.

We mean their genitals. It’s implied they touch each others genitals.

Excerpt

“It gave me a sad look. I wanted to ask what was wrong but I still couldn’t find my voice. Then, without warning, Slowbrow grabbed my hand with its newly free paws. It then grabbed Holmes’ hand with the other. We both stared at it in uncertainty. Slowbro brought our hands together, and they connected like puzzle pieces.”

2. The Lion King is Retold with the cast of The Golden Girls and Courage the Cowardly Dog

In the most surreal crossover known to man, Dorothy, Rose, Blanche and Sophia wake up one day to find that they’ve become lion cubs fathered by Mufasa. Courage is there for some reason too, and together they grow up with Simba, destined to do great things.

The Full Story

Only two chapters were written before the author abandoned the story, presumably because they recognized their own insanity and checked themselves in to a mental institution. If you’re wondering why we’re including a story that only lasted two chapters, it’s because those two chapters pack in more craziness than most complete works. For example: at the end of chapter two, Dorothy develops telekinetic powers and uses them to make a buffalo explode. And, if you listen carefully as you read about it, you can hear your mind snap.

Excerpt

“But then one of the buffalo charged right at us and then before I knew Dorothy activated a pink, transparent, glossy telekinetic bubble and barricaded the both of us from that buffalo. The buffalo smashed right into the bubble and was instantly electrocuted and stunned into a paralyzing daze. He then swooned to the ground and the rest of the herd lunged right for us. ‘Fire away, Pussycat!’ I commanded Dorothy challengingly and then Dorothy shot and discharged streaks of pink lightning bolts from the telekinetic bubble in a flare of fury and then several of the buffalo were stunned and electrocuted as the electricity spewed out through their bodies and were flattened to the ground.”

1. Twilight and Harry Potter – Horrifying Pregnancies

Yeah, we know what you’re thinking. “After all the weird stuff they’ve shown me, they’re going to end with a run-of-the-mill Twilight/Harry Potter crossover? How lame is that?” Well, we’ll explain. Jeez, show some patience. Jerk.

For starters, this work in progress has already reached 319,000 words, which makes it longer than any of the novels it’s based on. Even more worrying, it comes with a disclaimer: “Will have mpregs!” For our laymen readers, that means male pregnancies. That also means it’s OK for you to stop reading and slowly back away from your computer; we won’t judge you.

Full Story

We’ll admit that we didn’t read the entire thing because, well, it’s a 319,000 word story about male Harry Potter and Twilight characters getting knocked up. But from what we skimmed before our eyes started to bleed we deduced that this epic tale is about Harry and Draco moving to Forks for some reason, where they promptly shack up with Edward and Jacob, respectively. There’s really no plot beyond that; it’s just hundreds of thousands of words of flirting, moping and making out.

There are about 20 scenes of Harry Potter getting in and out of the shower, and everybody spends most of their time telling each other how nice they look without shirts on. It would actually be less gay if they just had sex. And when that finally happens, Draco ends up pregnant. There’s even a long explanation as to how this is possible, although thankfully the details of how the child will be delivered are left out. But don’t worry; we’re sure some other fan fiction writer will cover that soon enough.

Excerpt

“No,” Draco snapped. “No you don’t! My father can barely stand to look at me, Jacob’s on the other side of the country and I don’t even know what I feel for this- this baby growing inside of me!”

“I thought you told your dad you didn’t want to terminate.”

“Usually…I don’t,” admitted. “But sometimes I just want it to all go away.” His lips pursed in self-disgust and anger. “And then two seconds later, I feel horrible. I feel horrible that I don’t want this kid whole-heartedly and without hesitation. And just seeing Jacob…just having him think it’s so easy…I…” Draco shook his head, almost curling into himself as his arms wrapped around his middle.”

Top 10 Must-See Japanese Films

Approaching an entire nation’s cinema can be a daunting challenge. Especially when that nation’s movie history is a hodgepodge of genres and styles like Japan’s is. In the last 100 years or so, Japanese cinema has produced works of great beauty, greater weirdness, and in the process has influenced scores of filmmakers around the world. Any list of ten Japanese films will be by definition, incomplete, but these ten films will give anyone curious about Japanese movies a sampling of what makes its films so well-respected and loved around the world.

10. Nobody Knows

When most of us think about Japanese cinema, it’s hard-boiled yakuza, freaky monsters, and homicidal schoolgirls that spring to mind. While those things exist (and appear elsewhere in this list), Japanese filmmakers are also capable of making some incredibly dramas that don’t involve vengeful ghosts or women with swords instead of hands. One of the most moving- seriously, don’t watch this film without a full box of Kleenex, is Hirokazu Koreeda’s 2004 film Nobody Knows. Based on actual events, it tells the story of four children who are left to fend for themselves by their mother in a Tokyo apartment. As the oldest son sets out to keep his brother and sisters alive while making sure no one finds out that they are all alone, events slowly spiral towards a terrible conclusion. The film is anchored by four truly stunning performances by the child actors who play the family and captures not only the bleak horror of their lives, but also the deep bond they feel for each other. It is a very special film and it truly earns every tear it gets.

9. Tokyo Olympiad

In 1964, Tokyo hosted the Summer Olympics. As much an excuse to showcase Japan’s rapid postwar reconstruction as sporting event, the Japanese government wanted a documentary made to capture the historical moment when Japan retook its place on the world stage as a prosperous, peaceful nation. Initially, they hired Akira Kurosawa to direct it, but when he demanded control over the actual opening and closing ceremonies as well, director Kon Ichikawa was brought in to salvage the project, and give the government the glowing historical document they wanted. Instead, he used the vast resources and unfettered access to create arguably the greatest sports documentary ever filmed. Entirely uninterested in the pomp or ceremony of the games, Ichikawa chose to focus on atmosphere of the games and especially the experiences of the athletes. His camera follows them as they prepare, wait, compete, and enjoy the games. The film is rarely concerned with the results of the events and spends equal amounts of time with the losers as it does the winners. Tokyo Olympiad cares more about the journeys of the people involved than the final medal tally. Tokyo Olympiad was supposed to be a celebration of the Tokyo Olympics. Instead, it is a celebration of human endeavour and sport itself. It’s not the easiest film to get your hands on, but it’s definitely worth the effort.

8. Godzilla

No serious examination of Japanese cinema could ignore the giant, laser-breathing mutant dinosaur Godzilla. There have been many, many films made since the towering lizard made his first appearance in 1954’s Godzilla (Gojira in Japanese), but the first film is still the best. Forget the American release- which heavily edited the film and added Raymond Burr for some reason, and go straight to the original version. Despite being a cheesy good time, Gojira started an important trend that has continued to this day in Japanese films: that of using shlocky genre movies to comment on the latent fears and worries of the culture. In Gojira, it’s the fear of nuclear weapons. The only country to have ever suffered a nuclear attack, it’s not by accident that the great, city-destroying beast is awakened by the Japanese government’s testing of an h-bomb. The subtext is plain, but is mostly underplayed. The whole movie is actually quite mournful and unflinching in its depictions of the destruction Godzilla wreaks. Well, it’s as moving as a film that features a man wearing a rubber costume and stepping on models can be. Still, it captures an important part of Japanese culture and gave the world one of its iconic monsters, so it definitely deserves to be seen.

7. Hana-bi (Fireworks)

There’s no one else in the world quite like Takeshi Kitano. His main gig for the last forty years or so is hosting goofy comedy TV programs in Japan. Insanely prolific, at one time he was on TV every night of the week. But when he takes off the funny wigs and bizarre costumes, Kitano is also one of the most respected Japanese film directors of his generation. Unlike his TV work, which is all sight gags and silly weirdness, Kitano’s films are stunning works of seriousness and violence. He has made many excellent films over his career, but none perhaps as amazing as Hana-bi. Meaning “fireworks” in Japanese (which was also its international title), the film tells the story of a two former cops, one who adapts to new his life in a wheelchair by painting surreal paintings (which were all painted by Kitano), and another who robs a bank to take his dying wife on one last trip. The plot is slim, but the colors, images, and transitions between violence and silence are stunningly poetic. Hana-bi is a very rare and special thing: a gangster movie infused with the soul of a painter.

6. Audition

Directed by controversial and breathtakingly original filmmaker Takashi Miike, Audition is one of the most disturbing and captivating films ever made. But you’d never know it from the first forty minutes. Audition starts with a premise straight out of a Jennifer Anniston romcom. Aoyama, a widowed TV producer, decides to hold “auditions” for a new wife, under the guise of casting a role in a TV program. When he sees the young and beautiful Asami, he is instantly smitten by her submissive nature and reserved beauty. Despite some weird discrepancies on her resume, he starts to date her and they fall in love. Then things take a very, very surreal turn. Audition is one of those movies that works best if you don’t know what’s coming, but rest assured that it you can make it through the deliberately slow beginning, you will see things that you have never seen in any other film. Audition is profoundly disturbing (even Rob Zombie admitted to being uncomfortable watching the final scenes) but it is a work of true originality by an uncompromising master of cinema. Just don’t plan on eating any time soon after you watch it.

5. Battle Royale

Even if you don’t know anything about Japan, the 2000 film Battle Royale still delivers as a kickass, bloody cult movie. It’s got plenty of gunplay, lots of gore, and a supremely dark comedic undertone. The movie has earned infamy for its hyper-realistic violence, unrelenting cynicism, and casting of actual teenagers and is a favourite among cult movie fans the world over. But the story of a class of ninth grade students who are forced to murder each other in an alternate reality fascist Japan is actually a cutting satire of Japan’s growing fear that its youth culture was just a step or two away from complete anarchy. The casting of Japanese legend Takeshi Kitano as the students’ psychotic former teacher and overseer of the game is especially fitting given Kitano’s public ambivalence towards Japanese youth and seems to firmly root the film in the anti-youth camp. But Battle Royale’s director Kinji Fukasaku has described it as a “warning” to the country’s youth not to be misled by adults and authority figures. In the end, Battle Royale becomes a hopeful film about the potential of youth masquerading as a cynical anti-youth picture masquerading as an action-packed sci-fi gore fest. It’s deep, shocking, funny, smart, and once you’ve seen it, you’ll never forget it.

4. Ring

In the years since Ring (Ringu) first appeared on American shores, Hollywood has pilfered just about every effect and technique that made it so shockingly original. Kicking off the J-horror explosion, Ring introduced western audiences to the chilly, supremely creepy tradition of the Japanese ghost story. Still, the fact that the long haired, white-clad Japanese girl ghost is now as much a part of the horror pantheon as zombies says something about how original the movie was. Based on a popular novel, Ring tells the story of a vengeful spirit who wreaks havoc on the lives of a Japanese woman and her son. What’s amazing about the film is that it earns most of its scares completely by mood. The ghost doesn’t do anything except walk slowly and demand the characters and the audience acknowledge her, but it is just as scary as the goriest monster. There are a lot of great Japanese horror movies that play from the same script, but Ring did it first, and better than most. Just don’t watch it on a VHS tape.

3. Akira

Any list of Japanese films has to include at least one animated feature. For many non-Japanese, anime (as cartoons are called there) is their first window into the larger world of Japanese culture. An exploration of Japanese anime can start in few better places than the 1988 classic Akira. Based on the sprawling comic of the same name, Akira boils down the essential elements of the book and presents them in a frenetic mix of psychic children, political corruption, teenage motorcycle gangs, and not one, but two full-fledged destructions of Tokyo. The plot of the film suffers from great holes and you’d be forgiven for thinking the second act is missing, but if you can accept that you’re not going to get any easy answers, the film is an amazing visual achievement. And an important cultural document. Akira (like Battle Royale and to a lesser extent Ring), expresses a profound disillusionment with the rapid technological growth of the country and its youth culture while at the same time worshipping them. It’s a strange, exhilarating movie and definitely one any cinephile needs to see.

2. Seven Samurai

If you only ever see one Japanese film, this has got to be it. Akira Kurosawa’s 1954 masterpiece Seven Samurai is the film that not only put Japanese cinema on the map, it also inspired a generation of filmmakers across the globe with its rousing story, incredible action sequences, and outstanding performances. The story of a desperately poor village that hires a rag-tag bunch of samurai to protect itself from bandit raids, Seven Samurai basically created the template that almost every action movie since has followed. Every movie where a reluctant hero gathers a team to accomplish a task owes a structural debt to the film. The story is a natural crowd-pleaser but the innovative use of slow motion, editing, and gorgeous black and white photography make Seven Samurai an arthouse favourite as well. The original cut is almost 4 hours, but every minute is an absolute treasure of cinema.

1. Tokyo Story

Kurosawa’s Seven Samurai may be the most beloved Japanese film of all time, but Yasujiro Ozu’s 1953 classic Tokyo Story is regarded by many film scholars as the greatest work of Japanese cinema. Although the entire movie involves little more than an elderly couple’s visit to their grown children in Tokyo, it is one of the most engaging films you will ever see. Ozu, filming from the traditional seiza (or kneeling) position, captures in intricate detail the minor sadness and tiny tragedies of modern life. There are no dramatic conflicts, no major speeches, and the only death occurs quietly and passes quickly. Tokyo Story simply allows its audience a brief look into the lives of one Japanese family at one particular time. The camera barely moves and the actors remain still, but each frame is a work of gentle, melancholy beauty that will stay with you long after the film ends. Tokyo Story is a powerfully human film and a great introduction to the work of one of the greatest filmmakers of all time.

Top 10 Game Console Failures

Older and wiser, the games industry is still no stranger to failure. Thankfully, due to a wider market and a new found ability to learn from the mistakes of the past, disasters come and go without toppling the biggest names in the industry (well, we assume they do). For those nostalgic for a time when pieces of dark colored plastic came and went in the blink of an eye, here’s a top ten list of games console failures:

10. Neo Geo

The absolute hardcore of the hardcore are typically defensive of the Neo Geo’s inevitable inclusion in lists such as these, and not without reason. The fact of the matter is that the Neo Geo was about a generation ahead of the rest of the home console market and it offered some fantastic Arcade quality gaming in the home. It was basically an Arcade machine in a home console format, after all.

Collectors swear by it, but hindsight is 20/20 and eBay prices for Neo Geo cartridges are considerably less than the obscene $300 you once had to pay per game. The console itself was $650, and bares inclusion for that alone. However, it’s only a failure so far as mainstream success is a criteria for failure. The Neo Geo was clearly only ever intended for the enthusiasts and with new software titles being released as late as 2004, it actually stuck around a lot longer than consoles that sold millions more units.

9. SEGA Saturn

SEGA’s true 32-bit machine was scuppered in part by the 32X, a diabolical piece of hardware we get to later. The Saturn wasn’t a bad machine by any stretch of the imagination, it was merely priced to reflect the fact that it was slightly more high powered than the Playstation and therefore more expensive to manufacture. The hardware was sound, but software was a problem. Sega came out two years after release and admitted that the development tools hadn’t been great, and it wasn’t long before all confidence was lost in the machine and the people who made it. SEGA lost 30% of its employees and $260 million.

8. The Original Xbox Gamepad

 

This list continues with a smaller scale failure. Or rather a big failure, with a daftly over sized controller that (in retrospect) actually provides something of a mission statement for the Xbox brand. Though Kinect is trying to bring that coveted wider audience into the living room, it undeniably has a software library built around having massive man hands. Forget your pansy Playstation-sized gamepad for the average palm. These weathered, hard skinned hands are for strangling, not moisturizing.

Rather patronizingly, a ‘type-S’ revision was made for the Japanese market, only to be officially adopted in every region a year after the console’s release. But the stupidest thing about this mistake was that SEGA had already done exactly the same thing with the Saturn. Chunkier western model replaced by more sensibly sized Japanese version two years after release.

7. Nokia N-Gage

Now here’s a case of being too ahead of its time. Mobile gaming has really taken off since the N-Gage crashed and burnt, to the extent that I’m not entirely sure I won’t be putting today’s more traditional handhelds (3DS and Vita) on a list like this in five years time. We’ve even got devices like the Sony Ericsson Xperia Play doing the N-Gage thing (and not necessarily doing it better).

So why did N-Gage kick start mobile phone gaming? Well, it wasn’t a capacitive touch-screen phone for starters (that’s arguably the real revolution in handheld gaming). But it was also a classic case of a ‘jack of all trades’ device. The full phone keypad necessitated buttons too small for gaming, the screen was daftly in portrait (rather than landscape) and when you used it as a phone, it looked like you speaking into a Taco.

6. Apple Pippin

History may have been thoroughly rewritten on this one since the iMac onwards, but if you concentrate, you may be able to remember a time when Apple products were desperately uncool.  And thanks to the iPhone, the comic stylings of an Apple gaming console may also be lost on some of you.

The Pippin was very true to Apple’s form in the nineties. Firstly, it was grossly overpriced compared to competing devices with better features (Playstations were $300 at launch, the Pippin was double that). And secondly, only 18 games were ever made for it in North America. Manufacturing partner Bandai expanded the library to 80 titles in Japan, but it was doomed to obscurity.

5. Atari Jaguar

Lies, damned lies and statistics. Atari’s last stand was sold as the first ’64-bit gaming system’, but the claim was disputed considering that the fundamental components were using 32-bit instruction sets. Of course, this meant more to us back in the days when console power was still advertised in terms of ‘bits’. But it was clear that the Jaguar didn’t have either the power or the third party support to compete with the supposedly inferior consoles from Sony and SEGA.

The Jaguar killed an Atari brand that had already suffered major setbacks in the two preceding hardware generations. 125,000 consoles were sold two years after release, with nearly as many still in inventory. Some of these ended up in UK Game stores, sold as retro novelties in the early noughties.

4. Virtually Every CD-based Console

The optical media plague that spread across the industry in the early 90s seems very strange in retrospect. Not only did a whole host of new manufacturers try to crash the console market with consoles based around CD media (CD32, CD-i and the aforementioned Pippin), but CD add-ons started growing, abscess-like on already successful machines (Sega/Mega CD being the most obvious).

They were onto something of course. The Playstation proved that optical media was the way forward for consoles, and Nintendo lost significant market share when it stubbornly stuck to cartridges in the same era. Even they were tempted into the CD add-on game with the unfortunately named N64DD.

The problem was, the possibilities of games on compact disk inspired some very lazy thinking. CDs were used for music and movies, so CDs should be used for music and movie games! A high proportion of terrible FMV games (including Night Trap and Phantasmagoria) with minimal interactivity ensured that these platforms bombed, and bombed hard.

3. Current Generation Manufacturing and Design

The big players are making all the right decisions with their current designs. They’re in step with the march of technology, whilst offering technology that may or may not take. Aside from the Wii’s motion control gamble, they’ve been experimental without being too risky. The thing is, one major aspect of their internal design is fundamentally flawed (or it’s intelligently designed to fail, depending on your viewpoint).

The most famous flaw of this generation is the Xbox 360’s ‘Red Ring of Death’, but the ‘Yellow Light of Death’ in Playstation 3 models is equally baleful. The failure rate of 360 consoles was once said to be about one third of all units manufactured, and a lot of the problems its suffers are down to matters as simple as airflow, and the type of solder used in manufacture. Rather pathetically, it all seems to stem from the teasing that Microsoft received over the size of its original Xbox. The 360 had the liposuction treatment, and now sits there stuffing its face all the same, a ticking time bomb of heart-disease.

2. SEGA Mega Drive 32X

There’s something in the 32X philosophy that most consumers could surely get behind. Instead of buying an entirely new console every few years, simply plug something new into your old machine and enjoy several years of next generation gaming. In practice, you end up strapping 3/4s of a new console onto an old device that probably already has a pointless CD add-on, but it’s not an entirely unappealing idea.

SEGA themselves weren’t behind it anyway. Or perhaps it’s impossible to tell what exactly SEGA were behind, considering they were lining up the Neptune in addition to the Saturn. The 32X suffered the same curse of a limited games library that all the above consoles labored under and it was given the axe as soon as it became apparent that the Saturn was going to struggle against the competition.

1. Virtual Boy

The Goggles! They do nothing! Well actually, the goggles give you full parallax 3D game play and you can have it every colour of the rainbow. As long as it’s red. Oh, and they’re not even goggles, since the device rests on a stand and you peer into it, like a Mutoscope peep-show. With seventies visuals and a 19th Century  form factor, the three quarters of a year the Virtual Boy spent on the market in 1995-6 is actually something of an achievement. Nintendo have a pretty flawless record with their hardware releases, but when they mess up, they clearly have to mess up well.

Top 10 Baffling Video Game Accessories

The video game industry has pumped out countless accessories over the years. Most are functional but forgettable, the Ray Romanos of the video game world. Some, like the NES Zapper, are iconic. And then there are these ten, which make absolutely no sense. Maybe they were good ideas that went awry, or maybe they’re shameless attempts to cash in on fads. Or maybe they were designed by a team of drunken monkeys. We’ll never know.

10. Kinect Game Boat

The Game Boat adds a whole new level of realism to all one fifth of the Kinect’s boat themed games. Who would buy an accessory that’s only intended for one portion of one game? Especially if all it does is make the game more awkward to play? The Amazon listing even says it’s “the first accessory for the peripheral which doesn’t need any.” It’s an impediment to fun. Asking a clerk for a Game Boat is like asking a pharmacist to poke holes in your condoms.

The boat looks so poorly designed it would have been rejected by Titanic evacuees. And the box’s crudely translated slogan of, “Enjoy the emotions of the best games in the reality of your home” suggests that the Game Boat was made in a country where video games rank behind trying not to starve to death as the number one pastime. So not only will purchasing the Game Boat announce to the world, “I have no concept of fiscal responsibility,” it will probably support slave labour, too.

9. Wii Baby and Me

Baby and Me is the perfect game for parents who don’t want to waste any time ruining both video games and the idea of reproducing for their children. By adding a Wii Remote to the doll the baby itself becomes a controller, because nothing says “realistic childrearing simulation” like splitting open a baby’s back and jamming a hunk of plastic inside.

Cries, giggles, gurgles and more emerge from the remote, thereby “bringing the baby to life.” Although we’re not sure how having tinny sounds pulsate from an infant’s chest while its cold, dead eyes stare unblinkingly at you could be considered lifelike. Maybe they meant “unlife.”

Once you’ve turned your doll into a cyborg you can play all sorts of exciting minigames with it—everything from rocking the baby to sleep to clapping is included! And several of the minigames are even compatible with the Wii Balance Board, because that’s a wonderful lesson to teach future mothers—the best time to test your balance is when you’re clinging to your newborn child.

8. Wii Cooking Kit

 

The Wii has more food preparation games than scientists say can theoretically exist, so it makes sense that somebody would try to cash in on this baffling, nature defying market. The only problem is that exactly zero of those games are played with motions that even vaguely resemble cooking. Trying to make pan fried lobster in Cooking Mama is like trying to mime a howler monkey assassinating the pope. Attaching a plastic frying pan won’t make it any more realistic, it will just look like the monkey stopped off at a Home Outfitters.

The demographic of “people who like cooking enough to buy accessories for cooking video games, but not enough to cook actual food” is limited to nerdy anorexics and anyone who’s so fat they can no longer wedge themselves through their kitchen doorway. And the latter works up a sweat just turning on their television—asking them to flip a plastic frying pan would be like asking them to have a heart attack, assuming they didn’t get desperate for a snack and eat it first.

7. Wii Slip Proof Gloves

Are your Wii sessions so intense that you constantly find the controller flying out of your hands? Are you still having difficulty getting the hang of using your thumbs? Or do you just sweat more than Lil Wayne at a paternity test? Whichever it is, the Wii Slip Proof Gloves are the product for you, you disgusting, uncoordinated nerd!

For a mere $12.99, you can purchase the video game equivalent of a special kid helmet. Look, if you need gloves to play video games, you’ve suffered too many concussions to know what video games are. Anyone who thinks it’s a good idea to wear these would choke to death on them when they tried to put them on. Buying these for your children is like admitting that their mother chain smoked during pregnancy. If you need gloves to help you hold a piece of plastic you either lost your fingers in a chainsaw slapping competition or you produce so much perspiration that your pets drown every time you forget to put on deodorant. You’d have to be pretty dumb to buy these, is what we’re trying to say here.

6. Wii Bowling Ball

The Wii Bowling Ball is meant for people who want to spice up the thrills of virtual bowling by making every frame a chance to put a hunk of plastic through their television. It comes with a safety strap, but anyone who thinks it’s a good idea to buy the ball will mistake it for a tail.

The ball is advertised as having, “additional silicone finger slots to accommodate smaller fingers.” That sounds like a feature a sex toy would have, and using this as a sex toy might actually be a safer idea. The quote, “perfect for the gamer looking for something new to conquer” only reinforces that notion, because the only time we’ve heard “conquer” used to describe plastic balls is when they’re intended to enter orifices. And that would probably look less ridiculous than using this to pretend bowl—the image of the Bowling Ball in action looks like it was taken by someone who mistook bowling for rhythmic gymnastics.

Add “crude Photoshop work” for “realism.”

5. Wii Inflatable Racing Cart

This inflatable cart features a steering wheel with a slot for a Wii remote, giving players the ability to embarrass themselves in a wide variety of racing games. It looks like a cute idea for kids until you realise it’s impossible to control any game from that position, unless your goal is to crash into walls repeatedly and lose. But don’t take our word for it—check out this hilariously bad promo video, where the picture in picture gameplay clearly doesn’t sync up with what the actors are doing.

That’s a pretty serious design flaw, although if you expected any better from a company that thought it was a masterstroke of artistic design to put “racing” on their racing cart you have nobody to blame but yourself. The cart’s website notes that it was “designed in the style of the sports car,” which only raises further questions. Either this is the most poorly designed sports car in history, or they don’t even know what product they’re selling. And if those are the only two conclusions you can reach about an accessory, you shouldn’t pay money for it.

4. Sega Action Chair

The Sega Action Chair comes from an era where every accessory, no matter how mundane, needed a rad adjective in front of it, like the Nintendo Power Glove, or the Siemens Xtreme Speculum. It also comes from an era where every accessory was an overpriced piece of crap that didn’t work.

In theory, players would sit in the chair, grab the handles and pull themselves around, and the game would react to their movement. But you needed Herculean strength to move the chair just a single inch, and by that point your virtual character had long since died. Trying to play a game with the Action Chair was like trying to make your car turn by leaning over; and the inevitable four car pileup would still be more comfortable than sitting in this monstrosity. Add in the hundred dollar price tag, and the only people who owned an Action Chair were rich kids whose parents passive-aggressively hated them.

3. Sega Activator

The Activator was Sega’s attempt to introduce motion control to the world of video games, but it was about as successful as an attempt to introduce sanitation to New Jersey.

Players used the Activator by standing inside the octagon and having a seizure. Each of the eight panels represented a button, and to “press” that button you waved your hand or foot over it. If it worked, and it often didn’t, you soon discovered the Activator’s biggest flaw—even the simplest combination of moves required an insane motion. Want to perform a special attack in Street Fighter? Punch to the left and right simultaneously while kicking straight back. Trying to rip out some dude’s spine in Mortal Kombat? Kick both legs back at once, and punch backwards and forwards at the same time. Just want to pause the damn game? Do a spinning jump kick while head-butting sideways.

Playing a game against someone with a real controller was like a paraplegic fist fighting a gorilla. By the time you remembered what three directions you needed to punch to shuffle forward they’d already finished kicking your ass. An Activator player’s only hope was to flail at random, and that was only effective if they “accidentally” hit their opponent in the face. After five minutes with the Activator, they’d be angry enough to do it.

2. Wii Car Adaptor

Buying a Wii Car Adaptor is like buying a traffic accident. No matter how safe and responsible your passengers are, sooner or later one of them is going to stick a Wii Remote in your eye and you’ll be running down pedestrians while Mario music plays. And since the sort of person who would buy this would also buy the Wii Bowling Ball, you’ll probably be unconscious while it happens.

The only people who think it’s safe to use this don’t know what cars are. It would be less irresponsible to install a minibar in your vehicle than it would be to let people play Wii Sports while you drive. If you were pulled over by the police and they saw you had a Wii Car Adaptor installed, they’d legally be allowed to beat you. It probably comes with a disclaimer stating that the manufacturer can’t be held responsible for your vehicular manslaughter. The only upside to the Wii Car Adaptor is that anyone who uses it shouldn’t be contributing to the gene pool anyway.

1. Rez Trance Vibrator

 

 

Rez is a rail shooter set to electronic music. Vibrators are sex toys set to vaginas. Combining them was so obvious.

Produced only in Japan (of course), the Trance Vibrator pulsed in time to the game’s soundtrack. The official story was that you were supposed to hold, pocket or sit on the vibrator while you played, and the sensation would “extend the game’s synaesthesia.” The idea behind Rez was that everything, from the graphics to the gameplay, synced up with the music, and the vibrator would bring that synchronisation to a player’s sense of touch. There was just one tiny flaw—everyone used it to masturbate.

And we’re not just jumping to perverted conclusions—for one thing, the use of the word “synaesthesia” makes it sound like they would have packaged a hit of acid with the game had it been legal, so it’s hard to believe their intentions were pure. As further evidence, check out this quote from the game’s creator: “You can put it anywhere—your foot, your back, your waist. It’s up to our customers’ imagination.” He didn’t explicitly add “Jam it up your butt if it makes you happy,” but the implication is there. Did we mention the vibrator was designed to be washable?