Top 10 MacGuffins

Originally popularized by Alfred Hitchcock, the term “MacGuffin” refers to the object in a movie that drives the action. In most cases, what the MacGuffin actually is irrelevant. It exists solely to get the characters moving and drive the plot forward. The only real requirement is that it must be something people are willing to cheat, lie, steal, kill, or be killed for. As long as it sounds plausible, it’ll work. Still, despite the very loose qualifications for a MacGuffin, great films have used some pretty memorable ones. Here are the Top Ten MacGuffins:

10. The Diamonds – Reservoir Dogs

No matter your opinion of Quentin Tarantino, there’s no arguing his knowledge of movies. For his first film, he boiled down thousands of crime flicks into the ultimate heist movie, although one where the heist is never shown. Less concerned with the mechanics of how the crime occurred, the film is much more interested in how the characters relate to each other, and what they’re willing to do to each other when things go south. At the center of that unseen robbery and all its horrible, horrible consequences is a bag of diamonds. Rarely seen and barely mentioned, the diamonds are the impetus for all the swearing, fighting, shooting, killing, torturing, and backstabbing. Things get so horrific that audiences can be forgiven if they forgot that the bag of diamonds are what brought the color-coded madmen together in the first place. And in the end, every one of them (except for Mr. Pink) ends up dead for the MacGuffin.

9. The Ransom – The Big Lebowski

What makes the Coen Brothers great is how they can follow the rules of a genre picture to the letter while still making something completely original and unexpected. Take The Big Lebowski, their 1998 stoner noir detective film. The plot, such as it is, follows the efforts of ex hippie Jeff “The Dude” Lebowski as he attempts to replace his cherished rug and in the process gets dragged into a good old fashioned L.A. mystery. Well, almost. It’s got all the trappings of a classic noir- the cynical detective, head-spinning twists and turns, a group of dangerous thugs, and a beautiful woman in peril. But none of it ever seems all that serious. Even it’s MacGuffin turns out to be a joke. In the film, Lebowski is hired by another Lebowski to deliver a suitcase full of money as ransom for his abducted trophy wife. Once this enters the picture (and abruptly gets lost) it drives Lebowski and his psychotic friend Walter to solve the crime, and hopefully see a big payout. But this is a Coen Brothers film and in the end, the ransom was fake, no one really got kidnapped, and besides Lebowski’s poor friend Donnie, everything ends up just about exactly the same as it began.

8. The Maltese Falcon – The Maltese Falcon

The stuff that dreams are made of. In the noir classic The Maltese Falcon, everybody wants to get their grimy hands on the titular black bird. Although we get some back story about the statue’s illustrious past and the gold and gems hidden beneath its simple coating, it’s mostly just window dressing to make us believe that these people would dedicate their lives to finding the thing, and be willing to fill each other full of lead to get it. For Casper Gutman, his creepy assistant Cairo, and the girl Brigid, it’s the end all and be all of their existence and the treasure they’ve covered the world searching for. For Humphrey Bogart’s Sam Spade, who’s caught in the middle of everything and ends up with the thing, it’s something to keep him alive along enough to collect some kind of payout. The Maltese Falcon is full of action and suspense, but what makes it unforgettable is the thick undercurrent of greed that propels every character, even the hero. Greed for a little black bird and the riches it can bring.

7. The Bike – Pee Wee’s Big Adventure

MacGuffins are usually something so important or valuable that they drive men and women to dramatic levels of greed and violence. No matter how vaguely they’re described, it’s always clear that anyone in their right mind would kill to get them. Other times, they’re just a really cool bike. Pee Wee’s Big Adventure, the 1985 flick that brought Pee Wee Herman to mainstream audiences, is all about his search for his awesome bike. When it is stolen early in the film, Pee Wee begins a cross country journey to find his treasured two wheeler. Along the way he befriends an ex-con, a waitress with a dream, and even a ghostly trucker called Large Marge. He finds love, friendship, fame, and eventually his bike. But by that point, it doesn’t even matter. Herman started out as a boy (although a really old creepy one) looking for his bike, but he ends up a hero, a friend, a lover, but most importantly of all, a man. Now that’s one hell of a MacGuffin. And it’s a pretty cool bike.

6. The Death Star Plans – Star Wars

There are two schools of thought when it comes to MacGuffins. The first says that what the MacGuffin is doesn’t matter. As long as it stirs up the plot and sets things in motion, good enough. The second school argues that for a MacGuffin to be truly effective, it needs to be something of critical importance, not just to the characters, but to the audience as well. The Death Star plans in Star Wars are prime examples of the second philosophy. They are the impetus for the plot and set Luke and company on their adventure of galactic battle, self-discovery, and feathered hair, but they are more than just some generic plans. Without the hologram stored in R2D2’s memory banks, the rebellion wouldn’t be able to bring down the evil planet destroying spaceball. Still, does it really matter how they blow up the thing? For all their usefulness, the plans are still just a thing to get the story going. And that makes them a MacGuffin.

5. The $2 Million – No Country for Old Men

Two things kick off the intricate cat and mouse game in No Country for Old Men. The first is a satchel with 2 million bucks in it that loser Llewlyn Moss (played by Josh Brolin) stumbles upon at a drug deal gone wrong. The second is his decision to go back and bring some water to the only man left standing after the fight. That may be what sets the bad guys on his trail, but it’s the $2 million MacGuffin that keeps them coming. Suddenly rich and just smart enough to realize how much trouble he’s in, Moss flees with the money even though he knows that whoever left it won’t give it up that easily. Unfortunately for him, the men who lost the cash hire Anton Chigurh, the most psychotic man to ever get a bad haircut. The money drives Moss to more and more desperate acts, just as it drives Chigurh to kill and creep his way closer and closer. In the end, the movie becomes about how far ahead of Chigurh Moss can stay and the real prize isn’t the money, it’s the chance to breathe another day. Classic Coen Brothers and classic MacGuffin.

4. The Military Secrets – The 39 Steps

You can’t have a list of MacGuffins without at least one example from the master, Alfred Hitchcock. Almost all of his films have a MacGuffin of some sort at their core, and few filmmakers were as skilled as Hitchcock in creating thrills and drama out of the chase for a largely unknown property. In his classic The 39 Steps, everything revolves around a mysterious set of “military secrets.” No one knows what they are, and Hitchcock never goes to any great length to explain them until the very end. By the time the audience does find out what they are, it almost doesn’t matter. All that is important is they’re secret and a shadowy cabal of foreign spies will do anything to get them, including terrorizing a poor, innocent Canadian who stumbles into their web of intrigue. One of the first and best examples of a MacGuffin, the military secrets in The 39 Steps create a lot of drama, and in the end mean almost nothing.

3. The Ring – Lord of the Rings

For all its power, mystery, and danger, The One Ring in Lord of the Rings is really just a big, high stakes MacGuffin . Unlike most MacGuffins, it doesn’t drive a bunch of lowlifes to chase each other around dark alleyways looking for a quick buck, it actually is the only thing which can save the whole world. Still, scale isn’t important in the MacGuffin game. Everybody wants the Ring, everything happens when it appears, and every danger little Frodo and friends face is directly related to the fact that he’s got the Ring on a string around his neck. Sounds like a MacGuffin to me. There’s also the fact that there isn’t much evidence that the Ring is so powerful or dangerous, besides the fact the characters tell us there is. A lot. Sure, it makes people invisible and drives Gollum to the depths of addiction, but that doesn’t seem like enough to rule the world. The Ring is just a thing that everyone wants. And that’s a MacGuffin, through and through.

2. The Glowing Briefcase – Kiss Me Deadly

The glowing briefcase in the 1955 noir film Kiss Me Deadly is such a classic MacGuffin that Quentin Tarantino borrowed it (or stole it, depending on your opinion of him as a filmmaker) for the Macguffin in his Pulp Fiction. In that movie, the glowing briefcase is something beautiful, famous, and valuable. In Kiss Me Deadly, it’s just as valuable, but a lot more deadly. In the film, tough-as-nails detective Mike Hammer happens upon an escaped mental patient in the middle of the desert. Then things start to get weird. After more twists than a rollercoaster, it becomes clear that everyone is after a glowing briefcase. Since this is 1955, the case contains something hot to the touch, atomic, and incredibly dangerous. Hammer (and the audience) are never quite clear what is in the case, but they know that an army of thugs are after it, and they don’t mind killing to get it. And in perfect MacGuffin tradition, the person who does finally get it dies in a fiery explosion. No wonder Marcellus Wallace was so pissed that those hamburger loving kids stole the thing.

1. Rosebud – Citizen Kane

In Orson Welles’ 1941 masterpiece Citizen Kane, an unseen newsreel reporter sifts through the wreckage of a man’s life, searching for the meaning behind his last words. The man is wealthy newspaper tycoon Charles Foster Kane, and the word is simply “rosebud.” The film is a wonderful example of how a MacGuffin works. The word “rosebud” is the impetus for the reporter’s search and the reason he’s been assigned the story, but besides a few mentions here and there, it quickly fades to the background as the men and women who knew Kane share their personal stories of how he loved, worked with, and ultimately hurt and betrayed the people closest to him. In the end, the secret of rosebud remains unknown to the reporter, although in the very last scene the audience sees that it was the name of his childhood sled. Critics and movie fans have debated for years what that final scene is about, but the reporter realizes that it doesn’t matter. No one thing or word defines a man, it’s how he treated the people around him that did. “Rosebud” is a classic MacGuffin; intriguing, mysterious, and ultimately meaningless.

Top 10 Saturday Night Live Hosts

Hosting Saturday Night Live is a pretty thankless job. Hosts, who often having little or no comedy training, are expected to come in on a Monday and be hilarious by Saturday. Add to that that the show often has no idea what to do with the guests hosts besides some lame sketch that capitalizes on whatever show or movie they’re on, and it’s no wonder that the hosting position is often the weakest link in the show. Still, despite the odds being stacked against them, some guest hosts turn in amazing performances and even outshine the regular cast members. These are the Top Ten Saturday Night Live Hosts. In the interest of fairness, we’ve decided to exclude former cast members from consideration. If they can’t be good, nobody can.

10. Buck Henry

He hasn’t been on the show in years and there’s a good chance most people under the age of 30 have no idea who he is, but writer and comedian Buck Henry was one of the best SNL hosts of the 70s. Back in the glory days, Henry was the host of each of the show’s first four season finales, and he was an indelible part of the early show’s success. Like Steve Martin, he was involved in some of the greatest sketches of the era, and is often mistaken as a cast member. His work opposite John Belushi in the classic Samurai sketches is a master class in playing it straight and by itself merits his inclusion on this list. He also had a ton of other great characters and set the bar high for what a person could do in the hosting role.

Best Sketches: Various Samurai Customers, Uncle Roy

9. Drew Barrymore

Way back on November 20^th, 1982, a seven year old Drew Barrymore became the youngest person to ever host Saturday Night Live, a record she still holds to this day. Take that Macauly Culkin! Barrymore has gone on to host the show more than any other woman (6 times so far) and is one of only two ladies in the super-exclusive Five Timers Club, Candace Bergen being the other. Comedy in general is a man’s world, but every time Barrymore shows up on the SNL set, you know she’s going to be funny. Even if she isn’t (or the writers give her stinkers) she always charming and fun to watch. She’s also, like the people on this list, one of the few hosts who can carry a sketch, rather than just stand in the corner and say a line or two.

Best Sketches: The Welshly Arms Hotel Lovers, Disturbed Job Applicant

8. Paul Simon

If you don’t include his musical appearances, Paul Simon hasn’t appeared all that much on SNL. But when he does, he always turns in very funny and surprisingly sweet performances. Unlike other singers who shined on the show like Justin Timberlake, Simon has never really pursued a career as an actor, but from the awesome work he’s done on SNL, he certainly could have. Add to that his long list of knockout performances including a reunion with Art Garfunkel, an amazing duet with George Harrison, and the moving first episode after 911, and you have one entertainer that will always be welcome on the show.

Best Sketches: Desert Island Christmas, Still Crazy After All these Years in Turkey Costume

7. Christopher Walken

It’s always the ones you least expect. Before he made his first appearance on SNL, you would have been forgiven for thinking that Christopher Walken wasn’t a particularly funny guy. Intense? Yeah. Creepy? Sure. But hilarious in a live comedy setting? Probably not. But he was. Playing against his well established type, Walken is always totally fearless and totally funny when he comes to host SNL. Trading on his image and deadpan voice, he’s the perfect straight man, and if they let him cut loose, he can turn in a performance that’s edgy, weird ,and most importantly of all, very funny. SNL is frequently called out for playing it safe, but whenever Christopher Walken makes an appearance, you’re guaranteed the comedy will be a little on the bizarre side. And that’s why we love him.

Best Sketches: Behind the Music: Blue Oyster Cult, The Continental

6. Alec Baldwin

With the second highest number of hosting appearances, Alec Baldwin was another one of those people who surprised everybody by being amazingly funny right from the start. It seems hard to believe now, but Baldwin made his name in Hollywood as a serious actor and romantic lead. It wasn’t until he appeared on SNL that people even knew he could do comedy. These days, he recognized as one of the funniest comedic actors of his generation, and a lot of that has to do with the incredible stuff he did on SNL. Which of course led to him being cast on 30 Rock, where he continues to rack up the comedy accolades and awards. In a way, SNL allowed him to make the transition from dramatic lead to hilarious character actor. Well, that and his expanding waistline.

Best Sketches: Canteen Boy, Schwetty Balls

5. John Goodman

John Goodman got his start playing Roseanne Barr’s husband on Roseanne, so it shouldn’t come as surprise that he thrived in the comedic atmosphere of Saturday Night Live. During the Monica Lewinsky scandal, he practically became a regular cast member, returning week after week to portray whistle-blower Linda Tripp. Goodman has hosted the show a record 11 straight seasons in a row and is third overall in most appearances. SNL even joked about his incredible amount of appearances and included him as a potential cast member in one sketch. Goodman even helped replace John Belushi as one of the Blues Brothers, making him one of the few guest hosts to actually start in an SNL movie. Even if it was one as terrible as Blues Brothers 2000.

Best Sketches: Da Bears, various appearances as Linda Tripp

4. Justin Timberlake

Justin Timberlake is one of those great SNL hosts who comes on with low expectations and surprises everyone. When he first appeared in 2003, most people watching were expecting him to embarrassingly mug his way through a couple sketches, and hopefully not humiliate himself too badly in between his musical numbers. Instead, Timberlake knocked it out of the park. Not only was he game and gave it his all, he was actually as funny as the rest of the cast. He continues to appear on the show- often uncredited in the Lonely Island guys’ digital song parodies, and an episode with him hosting is usually a guarantee of a funny show that week. And these days, those are few amnd far between.

Best sketches: Dick in a Box, MotherLover

3. Jon Hamm

A relative newcomer to the SNL hosting game, Mad Men’s Jon Hamm has instantly become a show favourite. And can you blame them for loving this guy? He’s handsome, he’s funny, and he seems to have as much talent for dumb comedy as he does for searing drama. Not bad considering his signature role is a hard-drinking womanizer who’s life is always one step away from total collapse. SNL (never one to let a good thing go to waste) realized how well Hamm fit into the proceedings, and have had him back once a season since he first hosted back in 2008. His episodes have been among the highest rated in recent years and tend to be the funniest ones all year. Here’s to many, many more.

Best Sketches: Hamm and Buble, Don Draper at the Apollo

2. Tom Hanks

There are few Hollywood stars who are able to move from comedy to drama as easily as Tom Hanks. He started his career playing lovable idiots, moved on to playing idiots with sensitive hearts, and then out of nowhere became one of the best actors of his generation. On his many Saturday Night Live appearances over the years, he fits in like he’s always been there. He’s created memorable recurring characters, poked fun at himself like a pro, and generally looks like he was having a great time. How much more could you ask for from a guy who’s basically there to plug a movie?

Best Sketches : Two Lonely Guys, Mr. Short-term Memory

1. Steve Martin

Steve Martin was such a huge part of the early success of SNL that it’s hard not to think of him as a regular cast member. One of the show’s first break-out sketches was the Martin led “King Tut.” It was a profoundly silly sketch, but Martin’s performance in it as well as one of the Two Wild and Crazy Guys, helped turn SNL into an overnight sensation. Martin would go one to host dozens of episodes over the course of the show’s long history (most recently in 2009) and has become such a huge part of the mythology of SNL that he may as well be a cast member. At the very least, he deserves the same amount of credit for turning in funny performance after funny performance and helping to establish the show as the preeminent American comedy institution.

Top 10 Game Console Failures

Older and wiser, the games industry is still no stranger to failure. Thankfully, due to a wider market and a new found ability to learn from the mistakes of the past, disasters come and go without toppling the biggest names in the industry (well, we assume they do). For those nostalgic for a time when pieces of dark colored plastic came and went in the blink of an eye, here’s a top ten list of games console failures:

10. Neo Geo

The absolute hardcore of the hardcore are typically defensive of the Neo Geo’s inevitable inclusion in lists such as these, and not without reason. The fact of the matter is that the Neo Geo was about a generation ahead of the rest of the home console market and it offered some fantastic Arcade quality gaming in the home. It was basically an Arcade machine in a home console format, after all.

Collectors swear by it, but hindsight is 20/20 and eBay prices for Neo Geo cartridges are considerably less than the obscene $300 you once had to pay per game. The console itself was $650, and bares inclusion for that alone. However, it’s only a failure so far as mainstream success is a criteria for failure. The Neo Geo was clearly only ever intended for the enthusiasts and with new software titles being released as late as 2004, it actually stuck around a lot longer than consoles that sold millions more units.

9. SEGA Saturn

SEGA’s true 32-bit machine was scuppered in part by the 32X, a diabolical piece of hardware we get to later. The Saturn wasn’t a bad machine by any stretch of the imagination, it was merely priced to reflect the fact that it was slightly more high powered than the Playstation and therefore more expensive to manufacture. The hardware was sound, but software was a problem. Sega came out two years after release and admitted that the development tools hadn’t been great, and it wasn’t long before all confidence was lost in the machine and the people who made it. SEGA lost 30% of its employees and $260 million.

8. The Original Xbox Gamepad

 

This list continues with a smaller scale failure. Or rather a big failure, with a daftly over sized controller that (in retrospect) actually provides something of a mission statement for the Xbox brand. Though Kinect is trying to bring that coveted wider audience into the living room, it undeniably has a software library built around having massive man hands. Forget your pansy Playstation-sized gamepad for the average palm. These weathered, hard skinned hands are for strangling, not moisturizing.

Rather patronizingly, a ‘type-S’ revision was made for the Japanese market, only to be officially adopted in every region a year after the console’s release. But the stupidest thing about this mistake was that SEGA had already done exactly the same thing with the Saturn. Chunkier western model replaced by more sensibly sized Japanese version two years after release.

7. Nokia N-Gage

Now here’s a case of being too ahead of its time. Mobile gaming has really taken off since the N-Gage crashed and burnt, to the extent that I’m not entirely sure I won’t be putting today’s more traditional handhelds (3DS and Vita) on a list like this in five years time. We’ve even got devices like the Sony Ericsson Xperia Play doing the N-Gage thing (and not necessarily doing it better).

So why did N-Gage kick start mobile phone gaming? Well, it wasn’t a capacitive touch-screen phone for starters (that’s arguably the real revolution in handheld gaming). But it was also a classic case of a ‘jack of all trades’ device. The full phone keypad necessitated buttons too small for gaming, the screen was daftly in portrait (rather than landscape) and when you used it as a phone, it looked like you speaking into a Taco.

6. Apple Pippin

History may have been thoroughly rewritten on this one since the iMac onwards, but if you concentrate, you may be able to remember a time when Apple products were desperately uncool.  And thanks to the iPhone, the comic stylings of an Apple gaming console may also be lost on some of you.

The Pippin was very true to Apple’s form in the nineties. Firstly, it was grossly overpriced compared to competing devices with better features (Playstations were $300 at launch, the Pippin was double that). And secondly, only 18 games were ever made for it in North America. Manufacturing partner Bandai expanded the library to 80 titles in Japan, but it was doomed to obscurity.

5. Atari Jaguar

Lies, damned lies and statistics. Atari’s last stand was sold as the first ’64-bit gaming system’, but the claim was disputed considering that the fundamental components were using 32-bit instruction sets. Of course, this meant more to us back in the days when console power was still advertised in terms of ‘bits’. But it was clear that the Jaguar didn’t have either the power or the third party support to compete with the supposedly inferior consoles from Sony and SEGA.

The Jaguar killed an Atari brand that had already suffered major setbacks in the two preceding hardware generations. 125,000 consoles were sold two years after release, with nearly as many still in inventory. Some of these ended up in UK Game stores, sold as retro novelties in the early noughties.

4. Virtually Every CD-based Console

The optical media plague that spread across the industry in the early 90s seems very strange in retrospect. Not only did a whole host of new manufacturers try to crash the console market with consoles based around CD media (CD32, CD-i and the aforementioned Pippin), but CD add-ons started growing, abscess-like on already successful machines (Sega/Mega CD being the most obvious).

They were onto something of course. The Playstation proved that optical media was the way forward for consoles, and Nintendo lost significant market share when it stubbornly stuck to cartridges in the same era. Even they were tempted into the CD add-on game with the unfortunately named N64DD.

The problem was, the possibilities of games on compact disk inspired some very lazy thinking. CDs were used for music and movies, so CDs should be used for music and movie games! A high proportion of terrible FMV games (including Night Trap and Phantasmagoria) with minimal interactivity ensured that these platforms bombed, and bombed hard.

3. Current Generation Manufacturing and Design

The big players are making all the right decisions with their current designs. They’re in step with the march of technology, whilst offering technology that may or may not take. Aside from the Wii’s motion control gamble, they’ve been experimental without being too risky. The thing is, one major aspect of their internal design is fundamentally flawed (or it’s intelligently designed to fail, depending on your viewpoint).

The most famous flaw of this generation is the Xbox 360’s ‘Red Ring of Death’, but the ‘Yellow Light of Death’ in Playstation 3 models is equally baleful. The failure rate of 360 consoles was once said to be about one third of all units manufactured, and a lot of the problems its suffers are down to matters as simple as airflow, and the type of solder used in manufacture. Rather pathetically, it all seems to stem from the teasing that Microsoft received over the size of its original Xbox. The 360 had the liposuction treatment, and now sits there stuffing its face all the same, a ticking time bomb of heart-disease.

2. SEGA Mega Drive 32X

There’s something in the 32X philosophy that most consumers could surely get behind. Instead of buying an entirely new console every few years, simply plug something new into your old machine and enjoy several years of next generation gaming. In practice, you end up strapping 3/4s of a new console onto an old device that probably already has a pointless CD add-on, but it’s not an entirely unappealing idea.

SEGA themselves weren’t behind it anyway. Or perhaps it’s impossible to tell what exactly SEGA were behind, considering they were lining up the Neptune in addition to the Saturn. The 32X suffered the same curse of a limited games library that all the above consoles labored under and it was given the axe as soon as it became apparent that the Saturn was going to struggle against the competition.

1. Virtual Boy

The Goggles! They do nothing! Well actually, the goggles give you full parallax 3D game play and you can have it every colour of the rainbow. As long as it’s red. Oh, and they’re not even goggles, since the device rests on a stand and you peer into it, like a Mutoscope peep-show. With seventies visuals and a 19th Century  form factor, the three quarters of a year the Virtual Boy spent on the market in 1995-6 is actually something of an achievement. Nintendo have a pretty flawless record with their hardware releases, but when they mess up, they clearly have to mess up well.

Top 10 Patriotic Movies

Looking for some movies to watch this Independence Day that will make you fiercely proud to be an American? Well look no further, because these films will have you bursting with so much patriotism that you’ll barely have room for any of that all-American barbequed meat.

10. The Patriot

This one could have clawed its way onto this list based on its name alone. But The Patriot’s patriotic merit goes a lot deeper than the title: Mel Gibson plays his usual character, the Formerly Peace-loving Family Man Driven to Revenge by Murder of Family Members, but in this case, the family-member murder occurs during the American Revolution. Of course, Mel is inspired to take up arms against his oppressors. Australian actors and historical inaccuracy aside, this movie will have you seized with old-fashioned patriotic fervor. Remember to calm yourself down before you talk to any British friends afterward.

9. Top Gun

There category of ‘patriotic military movies’ obviously contains a lot of completion: pretty much any movie involving both Americans and Nazis is a surefire bet for a pro-USA spin. But if you’re looking for something a bit more cheery than Saving Private Ryan for your Fourth of July celebration, you can’t go past Top Gun. While it has its downer moments, this military-themed movie is less about the horrors of war and more about lots of really awesome planes flying around doing cool stuff. The flying scenes are so good, even the Chinese couldn’t help but steal a bit of footage for one of their Air Force-related news broadcasts earlier this year.

8. Iron Man

Unfortunately, Captain America doesn’t come out in time for Independence Day 2011, so you’ll have to look elsewhere for an uber-patriotic superhero movie. You could watch the old version of Captain America that came out in 1990, in which our hero must rescue the President before an Italian Nazi can implant a mind-control device in his brain and use him as a puppet. Unfortunately, that movie kind of sucks, so instead you might want to go for Iron Man, in which all-American Tony Stark flies around killing terrorists and bad guys all over the world. Surely Tony Stark is the epitome of the American Dream – whether that’s a good thing or not is up to you to decide.

7. Rambo III

The Rambo franchise might have started off as a statement about veterans traumatized by the Vietnam War, but by Rambo III, it’s about a world in which a single American can show up in Afghanistan and immediately have the locals fighting to the death by his side. Rambo is also gifted with America-based superpowers: he can bring down helicopters with a bow and arrow, and easily outruns large fiery explosions. Sure it’s not realistic, but it’s an escape. And if fantasy Afghanistan ain’t your thing, you can always go for Sylvester Stallone’s other ode to America, Rocky IV, in which Rocky beats up a Communist while dressed in stars-and-stripes-patterned shorts.

6. Team America: World Police

Team America, about an elite group of Americans that fights terrorism around the world, is definitely not for everyone: it features, among other things, a puppet love scene that has scarred many viewers for life. But fans of its brand of humor will enjoy a movie that spares no aspect of American society, and yet also manages to make you kind of fond of it all, too. Sure, it’s a spoof on America’s arrogance and dumb action movies, but it also managed to give modern American patriotism an entirely new official anthem and a catchy new slogan: ‘America, F**k Yeah!’

5. Red Dawn

A plucky team of small-town teenagers gang up to fight against an unlikely invasion of small-town America by the Soviet Union and its allies, using only their wits, bravery and outdoorsman skills. Sure, it’s easy to make fun of Red Dawn, especially the scene where Harry Dean Stanton starts shouting “Avenge me, son! Avenge me!” for no particular reason. But the movie’s also kind of touching, and its patriotic power is undeniable. Red Dawn is currently being remade for the modern era, with America’s new attackers consisting of… North Korea. How can a small country that barely manages to feed its own population get all the way to America and launch an invasion, you ask? Well, a better question is this: how many ticket sales will be lost if angry North Koreans refuse to see the film? Exactly.

4. 300

But this movie isn’t even set in America, you cry! Sure, but in this adaptation of Frank Miller’s comic, ancient Sparta is pretty much a thinly veiled US of A. Both the comic and the film use the fight of the 300 Spartans against the forces of the Persian Empire to showcase modern America values like bravery, liberty, friendship, equality, and impressively sculpted abs. Sure, the real Spartans might have had some beliefs and practices that we Americans really wouldn’t have liked, but it’s better if you forget all that and just sit back and enjoy the fancy fighting.

3. Air Force One

How could we leave out a movie that features a tough-talking, gun-toting president taking down a bunch of terrorists? Harrison Ford plays an American president whose plane is hijacked by evil Soviets. Being both the president and Harrison Ford, he knows that he has no choice but to hunt them all down himself. For reality to live up to this, President Obama would have had to fly into Pakistan himself and personally punch Osama bin Laden to death, perhaps while uttering some sort of badass line like “Jihad this.”

2. Letters from Iwo Jima

At first, this might seem like an odd movie to include: the Clint Eastwood-directed film about Japanese troops in World War II isn’t just in another language; it’s from the viewpoint of a country that was at war with America. Probably only Clint Eastwood, who had built up his patriotic credit over a lifetime of appearing in movies like Heartbreak Ridge, could have got away with making this one. And that’s the funny part, because if you watch the movie carefully, you’ll see that in many ways it’s really about America. The main characters are all exposed to American values, and by the end of the movie they’ve come to realize that these values are in fact superior to those of warlike Imperial Japan. And Mr. Eastwood manages to do all this without getting insulting or preachy.  Team it up with its companion film, Flags of Our Fathers, for a double dose of nostalgic patriotism.

1. Independence Day

It’s highly unlikely that any movie will ever be able to beat the scene in which a Marine played by Will Smith punches out an invading alien life form with the words “Welcome to EARTH.” Sure, Independence Day is incredibly silly and full of plot holes, from Mac-compatible alien computer viruses to Jeff Goldblum driving from New York to Washington DC in under six hours during a full-scale traffic apocalypse. But look past all that, and you’ll find a story of Americans putting aside their differences in order to unite and lead the world in defeating a great evil. And this is something that almost every American still wants to believe that we can do.