Top 10 Best Picture Oscar Winners That Could’ve Been

In the 80 or so years of its existence, the Academy Awards has made some poor choices. Dances With the Wolves over Goodfellas? Bleh. And try finding someone who could justify The Greatest Show On Earth or Around the World In 80 Days winning- let alone getting nominated. The list goes on. We know what their mistakes were. We know all the worst choices for Best Picture, the best choices for Best Picture, and all the notable snubs that have accumulated over the years. To give the Academy a break from all the harsh criticisms and accusations, I’ve decided to create a list of Best Picture and Best Director nominees that, if they won, would have been excellent choices. Not to say that they were snubbed: because the movie that won might have been a better choice. This list is simply me reminiscing of the best Best Picture winners that could’ve been.

TopTenz Master Note: I realize this list is similar to Friday’s Top 10 Great Movies That Didn’t Win An Oscar, but this was a very late submission that TopTenz felt should be included even at the risk of addressing a similar topic.

10. The Shawshank Redemption

Why Should It Have Won?: The Shawshank Redemption is one of those movies that’s jam packed with classic and powerful scenes, and the result is something that should not be missed. With career defining performances from the two leads, impressive direction, and an astonishingly original plot; it gets nearly everything right. Over the past decade, since it’s aged much better than Forrest Gump, Shawshank has amassed a generally large cult following who’ll back me in saying that it’s a modern classic and an obscure but moving masterpiece about prison life.

Why Didn’t It Win?: Robert Zemeckis had already directed the popular Back to the Future trilogy and Who Framed Roger Rabbit, and so maybe the Academy was just glad to see him make a blockbuster that was both entertaining, emotionally resonate, and applicable for a few awards (such as Best Actor for Tom Hanks), even if it was incredibly melodramatic.
Oscar noms: Best Picture, Best Actor (Morgan Freeman), Best Adapted Screenplay, Best Cinematography, Best Editing, Best Original Score, and Best Sound Mixing
Oscar wins: Zero.

9. Reds

Why Should It Have Won?: Warren Beatty’s cinematic portrayal of Communist journalist Jack Reed rivals Lawrence of Arabia, Amadeus, and Doctor Zhivago with its lush visual immensity and masterful ensemble performances. Beatty and Keaton both give tour de forces, cinematographer Vittorio Storaro proves his optical genius yet again, and the tale of the rise and fall of a little known historical figure is spectacularly executed and an insurmountable feat in biographic filmmaking.

Why Didn’t It Win?: Putting both movies side to side, it seems as if Reds would have been a surefire win for Best Picture. Other than cross country fanatics, who would’ve voted for Chariots of Fire? Reds even had everything that would ensure qualifying for the prestigious award; it’s epic, it’s a biopic, and it’s directed by an actor. But then again, if you put it into context with the fall of the Iron Curtain and Ronald Reagan single-handedly ending the Cold War, it makes some sense that a movie about the author of “Ten Days That Shook the World” wouldn’t win Best Picture.
Oscar noms: Best Picture, Best Director, Best Actor (Warren Beatty), Best Actress (Diane Keaton), Best Supporting Actor (Jack Nicholson), Best Supporting Actress (Maureen Stapleton), Best Art Direction, Best Cinematography, Best Costume Design, Best Original Screenplay, Best Film Editing, and Best Sound
Oscar wins: Best Director, Best Cinematography, Best Supporting Actress (Maureen Stapleton)

8. The Third Man

Why Should It Have Won?: Carol Reed’s visually dazzling noir mystery about espionage and betrayal in post-war Vienna showcases Graham Greene’s sharp, witty dialogue and Orson Welles, who gives a magnificent performance with screen-time of only 7 minutes and perfectly validates the phrase “There are no small parts, just small actors”. British Film Institute ranked The Third Man #1 on their Top 100 list, American Film Institute ranked it #57 on theirs, and Roger Ebert frequently includes it on his “Top 10 Great Films” list. If there was ever a film that’s greatness meets the expectations set by critics, this would be it.

Why Didn’t It Win?: Sadly, The Third Man met its match with the classic Bette Davis flick; All About Eve. Since Mankiewicz got the homefield advantage, the Oscar was given to All About Eve. Reed would be later honored in 1969 with Best Director and Best Picture for his musical-film Oliver! (which notoriously beat out Stanley Kubrick’s masterwork 2001: A Space Odyssey from winning any major awards).
Oscar noms: Best Director, Best Cinematography, Best Film Editing.
Oscar wins: Best Cinematography.

7. Taxi Driver/ Network/ All The President’s Men

Why Should They Have Won?:
Taxi Driver- Dark, moody, and disturbing study of one of the most memorable characters in film; Travis Bickle. Exemplary work from Robert De Niro and a whole bunch of other 1970s character actors, as well as arguably being Martin Scorsese’s best- or most tone driven- masterpiece to date.
Network- Perhaps more resonate now than ever, legendary screenwriter Paddy Chayefsky wrote a hard hitting, laugh-out-loud, corrosive satire on an industry that we’ve come to know and love: the media. Network delivers on every level- the cast is tremendous (Robert Duvall, William Holden, Peter Finch, Faye Dunaway, and Ned Beatty are all amazing), Sidney Lumet directs with style and social conscious, and each audacious monologue is more unforgettable than the next.
All The President’s Men- Easily the one of the greatest movies about journalism and political scandals. Redford’s and Hoffman’s star-driven charisma turn William Goldman’s witty script into riveting storytelling. The zenith of smart filmmaking.

Why Didn’t They Win?: Contrary to popular belief, the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences does have a heart, and when Rocky was released many viewed it as the underdog; it had a low budget, but ended up being a sleeper-hit and transformed Sylvester Stallone into a star overnight. To dumbfound spectators, the Academy overlooked critically acclaimed satires, character studies, and period pieces so that they could give Best Picture to the predictably sympathetic sports movie. Nobody had any idea what sort of overblown franchise and Razzie ridden legacy this award would enable Stallone to pursue.

Oscar noms:
Taxi Driver- Best Picture, Best Actor (Robert De Niro), Best Supporting Actress (Jodie Foster), and Best Original Score.
Network- Best Picture, Best Director, Best Actor (Peter Finch), Best Actor (William Holden), Best Actress (Faye Dunaway), Best Supporting Actor (Ned Beatty), Best Supporting Actress (Beatrice Straight), Best Original Screenplay, Best Cinematography, and Best Film Editing.
All The President’s Men- Best Picture, Best Director, Best Supporting Actor (Jason Robards), Best Supporting Actress (Jane Alexander), Best Adapted Screenplay, Best Sound, Best Editing, and Best Art Direction.

Oscar wins:
Taxi Driver- Zero, but it won the Palme d’Or.
Network- Best Actor (Peter Finch), Best Actress (Faye Dunaway), Best Supporting Actress (Beatrice Straight), and Best Original Screenplay.
All The President’s Men- Best Art Direction, Best Supporting Actor (Jason Robards), Best Adapted Screenplay, and Best Sound.

6. Dr. Strangelove or: How I Stopped Worrying and Learned to Love the Bomb

Why Should It Have Won?: Sure, 2001: A Space Odyssey was more of a visual exercise than a narrative, A Clockwork Orange was way too risqué, Spartacus was too much of a Ben-Hur rip off, Paths of Glory had tough competition, and Full Metal Jacket lacked humanism, but why Why WHY couldn’t Dr. Strangelove or: How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Bomb have won Best Picture? It was Stanley Kubrick’s magnum opus; Kubrick’s only work in which his photographic genius, satirical philosophical screen-writing, and over-the-top actors met at equilibrium! Since its release, there has ceased to be comedy as sharp as Kubrick’s biting political satire, an ending as memorable as Slim Pickens plummeting towards the earth backwards on a nuclear bomb, nor performances as classic as Peter Seller’s Dr. Strangelove, George C. Scott’s General Turgidson, and Sterling Hayden’s Jack D. Ripper.

Why Didn’t It Win?: I don’t want to rip on My Fair Lady, but when they awarded it Best Picture the Academy was still stuck in the heydays of historical epics and lavish musicals, and it would take them another decade until they finally woke up and smelled the roses of contemporary controversial masterpieces. And for some reason Rex Harrison got Best Actor over Peter Sellers… WHY?!
Oscar noms: Best Picture, Best Director, Best Adapted Screenplay, and Best Actor (Peter Sellers).
Oscar wins: Nada! but the 2002 Sight and Sound poll taken by famous movie directors ranked Dr. Strangelove #5 on their top 10 list.

5. A Streetcar Named Desire

Why Should It Have Won?: A lyrical and acting landmark in cinema. Vivien Leigh’s soft-spoken derangement as Blanche DuBois and Marlon Brando’s animalistic hostility as Stanley Kowalski (“Stella!!!”) easily rank as two of the greatest performances ever recorded on film. Not far behind are Karl Malden and Kim Hunter, who both won Oscars for their roles and spectacularly portrayed troubled and edgy characters. The script is as legendary as the cast: every line of dialogue is ingeniously crafted and fits each character’s inner turmoil perfectly, mainly because the playwright who wrote this raw, explosive New Orleans drama was also the American Shakespeare: Tennessee Williams. Infamous for it’s controversial themes, Williams stealthily snuck in several risqué lines of dialogue under the Hollywood Production Code’s noses- which would later be considered a monumental step in the fight against censorship.

Why Didn’t It Win?: I’ve seen An American In Paris put on both “Top 10 Best” and “Top 10 Worst” Choices for Best Picture lists. The former praises the sumptuous direction and colorful dance sequences and the latter condemns the gaping plotholes, aching sentimentality, and overproduced (though catchy) musical numbers. The Academy used to be a sucker for those kinds of things. And apparently A Streetcar Named Desire lost credibility for giving the bird to the Hollywood Production Code.
Oscar noms: Best Picture, Best Director, Best Actor (Marlon Brando), Best Actress (Vivien Leigh), Best Screenplay, Best Supporting Actress (Kim Hunter), Best Supporting Actor (Karl Malden), Best Art Direction, Best Cinematography, Best Costume Design, Best Music, and Best Sound.
Oscar wins: Best Actress (Vivien Leigh), Best Supporting Actress (Kim Hunter), Best Supporting Actor (Karl Malden), and Best Art Direction.

4. The Grapes of Wrath

bDirector John Ford made some pretty good movies. There were the Westerns, the war propaganda, and the cultural dramas- all of them validating his signature sympathetic, earthy, beautifully rendered style. Ford was famous for producing an immense amount of high quality classics throughout the 30s, 40s, and 50s; and the most heartwarming, hard-hitting, timely, and relevant of them all is undeniably The Grapes of Wrath, based on John Steinbeck’s Pulitzer Prize winning novel. Its timeless themes and morals have become a bedrock for the American ideal in cinema as we know it, and Henry Fonda flawlessly defines himself as the common man, Tom Joad, with an iconic performance. Overall, The Grapes of Wrath is one of the great American masterpieces and it’s a shame that it was overlooked by the Academy (even though Ford won a well deserved Best Director).

Why Didn’t It Win?: Rebecca was Alfred Hitchcock’s first American film, and obviously us Yankees fell head over heels for the cinematic mastermind and thought that he was the best thing to come out of England since the crumpet. As usual, we threw his film an Academy Award, and then even went so far as to nominate his second American endeavor- Foreign Correspondent. Chaplin’s The Great Dictator would’ve also been a great choice for Best Picture.
Oscar noms: Best Picture, Best Director, Best Actor (Henry Fonda), Best Supporting Actress (Jane Darwell), Best Adapted Screenplay, Best Film Editing, and Best Sound.
Oscar wins: Best Director (John Ford’s second Best Director out of four- an achievement unmatched by any other director), and Best Supporting Actress (Jane Darwell). The Grapes of Wrath has also been included on American Film Institute’s 100 Greatest Movies list, placing at #21, and was given an honorable mention on the first Sight and Sound Top Ten Poll in 1952 (and also ranks pretty high on my list as well).

3. Grand Illusion (La Grande Illusion)

Why Should It Have Won?: Often cited as the greatest anti-war film ever made, named by Orson Welles as the one movie he would take with him “on the ark”, and given the #5 slot on the definite Top 10 poll taken at the 1958 Brussels World Fair: La Grande Illusion (Grand Illusion) is nothing short of a masterpiece. Directed by Jean Renoir not as a movie about the brutality of war, but rather the absurdity of two rational men with a common background fighting one another- calling WWI a “war of gentlemen”. Within it’s running time, La Grande Illusion fires very few pistols and launches many eye-opening accusations against war with a fresh script, classic contrasting performances from foreign screen-legends Jean Gabin and Eric von Stroheim, and Jean Renoir’s ever-relevant morals.
Trivia:
• La Grande Illusion was the first foreign language (French) film to be nominated for Best Picture.

Why Didn’t It Win?: You might have heard of a director from the 1930s-1940s by the name of Frank Capra. He was famous from cranking out a string of upbeat classics that consecutively every other year won him 3 Academy Awards for Best Director- the first being It Happened One Night, the second being Mr. Deeds Goes To Town, and third being You Can’t Take It With You. The latter is a star studded farce based on the Pulitzer Prize winning play with a message revolving around following the American Dream and the pursuit of happiness: something that would be very appealing in a time when the economic state of the country was at an all time low.
Oscar noms: Best Picture.
Oscar wins: Seeing as the “Best Foreign Language Film” category wouldn’t be around for another decade, La Grande Illusion didn’t win anything. But if you ask any film historian about what they think are the 10 Great Movies, chances are this’ll be somewhere on their list.

2. The Treasure of the Sierra Madre

Why Should It Have Won?: John Huston was an American American. His signature gruff, endearing directorial manner won him the title of “cinema’s Ernest Hemingway”- noted for his memorable collaborations with Humphrey Bogart and adaptations of the great American novels. The Treasure of the Sierra Madre is a tale of comradery, greed, and betrayal in the deserts of Mexico that allowed Huston to utilize all of his talents; creating an extraordinary Hollywood spectacle and earning him worthy Best Director and Screenplay Oscars. Humphrey Bogart gives one of the definite performances of American cinema that only reinforces how fantastic of an actor he is, but was criminally overlooked for a nomination by the Academy. Luckily, Huston’s father Walter Huston won a much deserved Oscar for being a grizzled, wise, rambling old guy. The Treasure of the Sierra Madre isn’t the great American film, but it’s pretty damn close.

Why Didn’t It Win?: Actually, the fact that Sir Laurence Olivier’s Hamlet won Best Picture comes across as a surprise to most people. The Treasure of the Sierra Madre must’ve won: it got Best Director, Best Screenplay, Best Supporting Actor, it was a commercial success, it had one of the greatest performances of all time courtesy of Humphrey Bogart, and it has that quote about not needing no stinkin’ badges. Contrary to popular belief, Hamlet did win Best Picture, as well as Best Actor (Olivier’s first and only Oscar), and became the first foreign (British counts as foreign) Best Picture winner. So why did exactly did Hamlet win? To paraphrase: Olivier’s edit of Shakespeare’s tragic masterpiece introduces Freudian overtones and performs with a noir and Orson-Wellesian heart, refreshing the classic tale into something more stylish and consumable for moviegoers while still allowing room for Olivier to flex his thespian ego.
Oscar noms: Best Picture, Best Director, Best Supporting Actor (Walter Huston), and Best Screenplay.
Oscar wins: Best Director, Best Supporting Actor (Walter Huston), and Best Screenplay.

1. Citizen Kane

Why Should It Have Won?: Citizen Kane has become the obligatory choice for greatest film of all time, and with good reason. Stunningly original storytelling and brilliantly innovative cinematography, direction, screen-writing, and acting render it as a masterpiece, while topping countless respectable Greatest Ever Lists and numerous citations by other great directors validate Welles as one of the masters of cinema and Citizen Kane as the sparkling jewel of filmmaking history. Orson Welles’ crowning achievement is easily the #1 Best Picture Winner That Could’ve Been.

Why Didn’t It Win?: Mr. Welles and the Academy weren’t very fond of one another and upon it’s release, Citizen Kane wasn’t all that popular. Citizen Kane was met with rave reviews earning some Oscar nominations, but nobody really wanted it to win. Instead, John Ford- who had been on a masterpiece streak with Young Mr. Lincoln, Stagecoach, and The Grapes of Wrath- took home Best Director and Best Picture for his Welsh mining epic How Green Was My Valley: subtly ironic seeing as while preparing to filming Citizen Kane, Orson Welles claimed to have watched Stagecoach 41 times. How Green Was My Valley, even though it’s a very good movie, notably snubbed several other classics such as The Maltese Falcon, Suspicion, and Sergeant York.
Oscar noms: Best Picture, Best Director, Best Actor (Orson Welles), Best Original Screenplay, Best Art Direction, Best Film Editing, Best Cinematography, Best Musical Score, and Best Sound.
Oscar wins: Only Best Original Screenplay

Top 10 Child Stars Whose Lives Were Not Ruined By Fame

Considering the scandal, tragedy, and failure that typically plague child stars after their careers end, you’d think any parent would keep their child as far away from a Hollywood studio as humanly possible. Yet, despite the numbers of child actors who end up as drug addicts, alcoholics, criminals, or worst of all- reality show participants, millions of stage moms and dads drag their kids along to audition after audition, hoping their child will become the next Gary Coleman or Lindsey Lohan. All while keeping their fingers crossed that they can skip all the numerous betrayals, arrests or humiliations that seem to plague so many kids who spend time in front of a camera. Maybe those parents are thinking of the precious few child actors whose lives don’t turn into tabloid meltdowns and court proceedings. Those few who manage to cheat Fate and actually become functioning, successful adults. Here are the top ten child stars who managed to beat the curse.

10. Christian Bale

In 1987, a 13 year old Christian Bale rocketed to international fame playing the lead role in Steven Spielberg’s film Empire of the Sun. Despite his previous acting experiences in commercials and made-for-TV movies, Bale was quite unprepared for the sudden, scary adulation that he received for the role in school and on the streets. Unnerved as his mostly normal childhood disappeared overnight, young Bale made the decision to quit acting for good. He didn’t of course, but that first distaste of fame may have been what allowed Bale to avoid the traps of child stardom. The critical acclaim he received for the role in Empire of the Sun brought offers from all corners of the movie world. Offers which Bale and his father manager carefully chose. Instead of cashing in on his instant fame, Bale Sr. guided his son to interesting roles and kept him far from the temptations and pitfalls of Hollywood. Bale built up an impressive resume and made a perfect transition form child actor to adult one. He now holds the enviable position of being a major star and a respected actor. Sure, he did yell at that poor guy on the set of the Terminator movie, but overall, he seems like a pretty together guy.

9. Danica McKellar

Like many child stars, Danica McKellar really only had one role of any note. Playing the next-door neighbour and object of Fred Savage’s preteen affections on the hit TV series The Wonder Years, McKellar was a supporting character on a big network show. Once The Wonder Years ended and adulthood approached, McKellar found that the roles were starting to dry up and producers weren’t all that interested in casting a former child star. A pretty standard beginning in the former child star arc. All that remained for McKellar was to get high, steal a car, and screw up her life in an embarrassing public flameout. She had other plans. First, she studied mathematics at UCLA, coauthored a paper on her own mathematical theorem, and wrote a best-selling book that encouraged young women to break stereotypes and excel at math. She still does acting work (mostly voice over) and she now has three books under her belt. She’s beautiful, smart, successful, and most importantly of all, grounded. Do you hear that Screech? There is a better way.

8. Kurt Russell

Yes, Mr. Badass himself was once a child star. The movies haven’t really stood the test of time and his later work has mostly overshadowed them, but Kurt Russell became a huge star as a Disney contract player in the 1970s. He spent most of the Sixties amassing TV roles, but it wasn’t until Disney signed him to a ten year contract that his career took off. Russell became a bona fide teen idol in flicks like Original Family Band (where he met his future wife Goldie Hawn) and The Computer Wore Tennis Shoes. He was even a semi-pro baseball player for a time before an injury ended his career. After his childhood stardom, Russell continued to act and despite some failures (he lost out to Harrison Ford for the role of Han Solo), eventually struck up a partnership with director John Carpenter which began with an Emmy-award winning turn as the King himself in Elvis and included iconic anti-hero roles in Escape from New York, The Thing, and Big Trouble in Little China. His career has continued unabated ever since, giving lie to the belief that all child actors have to end up dead, drunk, or ashamed.

7. Dakota Fanning

It may be a little presumptuous to claim Dakota Fanning has missed the perils and pitfalls of a former child star considering she’s only 16, but all signs point to a healthy, interesting career for the young woman. Starting out in commercials at the tender age of five, Fanning quickly rose through the child star ranks, appearing on popular TV series and eventually big budget movies. Even at her young age, people realized Fanning wasn’t just another cute kid. At seven, she was nominated for a Screen Actors Guild Award for her work in I Am Sam. She continued to give amazing performances in all sorts of movies, working in everything from thrillers to voice-over work for cartoons that blew away her co-stars and critics alike. Fanning drew controversy for a 2006 role in Hounddog which her character is raped. But, consummate professional that she is, she patiently explained that it was “a movie. It’s not really happening.” Comments like that, and her decision in 2009 to lay off any more lead roles until she finishes high school, are evidence enough that no matter how her career goes, Dakota Fanning is one person who isn’t going to let fame screw her up.

6. Shirley Temple (Black)

Shirley Temple may be one of the best examples of a child star who leaves the entertainment industry completely, but still has a successful life. In the early 30s, Shirley Temple was not only the biggest child star, she was the biggest star period. With her golden locks, expressive eyes, and cute-without-being-cloying personality, she captivated the nation and ruled the box office. As she grew up, her acting career began to fade as audiences had trouble accepting her as anything but an angelic child. This is the part of the story where drugs, alcohol and a string of failed marriages to seedy guys called Eddie are supposed to enter the picture. But Shirley Temple was raised too well for that. She married, had a family, and set out upon a new career. She still appeared in some films and on TV, but she turned most of her attention to politics. After a few failed runs for office, she became an ambassador and diplomat. Yes, the little girl who sailed one the Good Ship Lollypop became a government official. She represented the United States’ interests at the UN, in Ghana, and finally Czechoslovakia. She also served on the boards of many companies, and published a best-selling book about her experiences.

5. Seth Green

Outside of Hollywood movies and TV sitcoms, nobody likes a smartass kid. Unless they grow up to be a smartass adult. Take Seth Green. After a successful career as a child actor- including his first role playing a young version of Woody Allen in Radio Days– Green has built a solid, respectable career playing likable smartasses in geek favorites like Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Family Guy, and his own Robot Chicken. That just might be the secret. Compared to so many young actors who traffic in the idea that they are tortured artists and that acting in such a hard job, Seth Green seems to genuinely enjoy his life and career. That permanent smirk on his face isn’t because he’s a jerk, it’s because he realizes just how lucky he is to make a good living playing pretend with his buddies and making people laugh. That or he’s a big a-hole. Either way, he has successfully avoided the child star trap. And you got to respect him for it.

4. Christina Ricci

One of the main reasons a lot of child stars can’t make the transition to adult fame is that cute doesn’t age well. A person may be adorable as a child, but take those same features and put them on an adult face, and it just looks creepy. The one exception to that rule may be Christina Ricci. She was a pretty cute kid, but there’s something just slightly off about her as an adult. But luckily for her, it’s a good kind of off. The quirky kind of off that allows a young actress to stand out from the legions of dyed blonde robo-beauties that flood into Los Angeles every year looking for stardom. After a healthy start playing cute kids in big movies like Mermaids and The Addams Family, Christina Ricci made the transition to adult fame almost seamlessly. One minute she was a child actor in Casper, the next she was giving complex adult performances in Ice Storm and The Opposite of Sex. Her career has slowed down a little lately, but she’s still a great actress and a long way from appearing on a crappy reality show to make a quick buck.

3. Joseph Gordon-Levitt

Otherwise known as the only three named child actor you don’t want to punch in the face, Joseph Gordon-Levitt has one other defining feature that has spared him the indignities of the former child star curse; he’s a terrific actor. He first came to public attention playing the old alien trapped in a teenager’s body on Third Rock from the Sun. If you didn’t know his later work, after reading that last sentence, you’d be forgiven for assuming Levitt disappeared off the face of the earth once the show was over. And he did, kind of. Avoiding the simple path to glory that so many teen actors take, Levitt instead chose difficult roles in dark films. He played a male prostitute in Mysterious Skin, and a high school gumshoe in Brick. His radical strategy of only appearing in what he called “good movies,” Levitt built up a critical following and reputation as one of the most interesting up and coming actors in Hollywood. Levitt’s is still young (30) and his career is still beginning. His ability to avoid the pitfalls of childhood fame has  guaranteed audiences another great actor to watch for years to come.

2. Kirsten Dunst

Like Christina Ricci, Kirsten Dunst made transitioning from a child star into an adult seem like the easiest thing in the world. After a successful career as a child model and actress, Dunst made her breakthrough with a well-received role in Interview With A Vampire opposite Tom Cruise and Brad Pitt. She went on to star in several more hits as a kid and teenager, and eventually landed the plum role of Mary Jane in the Spiderman films. And just to keep things interesting, she also appeared in several romantic comedies and indie films as well as starting a fledgling singing career. But this is where Dunst’s story gets interesting. She actually battled with mental illness as an adult and stopped working and entered a rehab facility to battle depression. Sounds familiar, right? But unlike so many other of her former child star colleagues, Dunst got help and resumed her career with barely a hiccough. If only Dana Plato would have done the same.

1. Ron Howard

Studying the career or Ron Howard should be a requirement for any kid actor who wants a career that lasts longer than his 19^th birthday. For starters, Howard actually came back from being a former child star twice. In 1960, when he was six years old, he was cast as the precocious Opie on the Andy Griffith Show. Once that ended, he bounced around and turned in a few TV roles here and there, but it wasn’t until 1973 when he starred in American Graffiti and Happy Days that he was a star again. This time, Howard wasn’t prepared to let anyone but himself decide the future of his career. He left Happy Days at the height of its popularity and began a quest to become a director. Trading on his fame, he made a deal with B-movie producer Roger Corman to star in one of his movies, but only if he could direct another one himself. He did, and parlayed the experience into gigs directing TV and lower budget movies. The rest is history. Howard has directed major hits, critically acclaimed dramas, and has an Academy Award. Now that’s how you have a career, kids!

Top 10 Unique Post-Oscar Acting Careers

After winning an Oscar, an actor’s career is usually marked by the question: Did they live up to the award or not? Here are 10 Oscar-winning actors who have gone in completely different directions.

10. Donna Reed-Riding the Highs and Lows of Television

Best Supporting Actress for From Here to Eternity (1953)

Reed’s career after winning her Oscar was mostly in television. In 1958, she starred in The Donna Reed Show, which was produced by her husband. While Reed won her Oscar playing a prostitute, her show was so wholesome that, according to TV.com, it “won many awards from various civic, educational, and medical groups due to its handling of topics like adoption, prescription drug abuse, and home safety.” Since this was the 50’s and that’s what was popular on television, it was a big hit. Her other notable TV role, on Dallas 20 years later, was much less well-received. She was hired as a replacement actress for the character of Elle Ewing when original actress Barbara del Gettes left for health reasons. Accepting a different actress for the same character was not something audiences were prepared to do and the network had to fire Reed and bring del Gettes back due to popular demand.

9. Jamie Foxx-Multitalented Singer/Songwriter and Radio Host

Best Actor for Ray (2004)

Before he got into acting, Foxx was studying to be a classical pianist which helped him bond with Ray Charles so well during production as the two got to know each other by playing duets. After winning the Oscar for his eerily lifelike portrayal of Charles in Ray, he returned to music by releasing an album of original music. He’s since released two more and was even briefly considered as a replacement judge on American Idol after successful guest stints. He also hosts a show on Sirius radio called the Foxhole.

8. Gwyneth Paltrow-Lifestyle Blogger, Country Singer, and TV Guest Star

Best Actress for Shakespeare in Love (1998)

Paltrow’s Oscar for “Shakespeare in Love” was her crowning moment as the proverbial prom queen of Hollywood. Initially, Paltrow made career choices as if she wanted to backup her statuette with another by taking the kinds of roles that practically beg for a nomination: A suicidal poet in Sylvia and a tortured mathematician’s daughter in Proof. Since then, she’s seemingly given up on trying to validate herself as a high profile actress to an unforgiving press (the daughter of Hollywood royalty, she’s been derided as a product of nepotism). She started a lifestyle website, goop.com, which has gained a lot of notice. She also returned to the Oscars this past year, not as a nominee, but as a song performer for Country Strong. Throw in her hit appearances on Glee and Saturday Night Live this past year, and it’s fair to call her a reinvented woman.

7. Kevin Spacey-Real-life version of Jim Carrey in The Majestic

Best Supporting Actor for Usual Suspects (1995) and Best Actor for American Beauty (1999)

In 2003, Kevin Spacey was appointed the Artistic Director for one of the most prestigious theaters in London with no less daunting a task than saving it from insolvency.  The Old Vic Theater, which has operated since 1818, was slated for demolition by a new property owner just five years earlier. Spacey has picked up the occasional Hollywood role, but most of his focus for the last eight years has been on acting in and producing plays for the Old Vic. He also produced and acted in his dream project in 2004, Beyond the Sea, about the life of Bobby Darin. He even accompanied the film’s release with his own CD covering the crooner’s hits and followed it up with a musical tour that summer.

6. Luise Rainer-Pioneer for Discontented Stars Everywhere

Best Actress for The Great Ziegfeld (1936) and The Good Earth (1937)

Some of the more cynical Oscar recipients (George C Scott, Alan Arkin, Sideways screenwriter Alexander Payne, etc.) have bemoaned the idea of competition or been otherwise apathetic. Luise Rainer, on the other hand, is unique in believing that the actual act of being voted on by a body of her peers as actress of the year was what ruined her career. “Nothing worse could have happened to me,” she’s said. Rainer felt that the increased fame and the way she was treated as a star left her disconnected from other actors she was used to collaborating with and she also felt that the studio put her in overly commercial projects. She complained about this loudly to the press which led to a mutually beneficial divorce between her and employer MGM Studios. Although she was lured to the screen occasionally, she retired from acting. She spent the rest of her life maintaining a 43-year marriage, writing articles, travelling, producing art, and sporadically dabbling in theater. This past March, she turned 101.

5. Whoopi Goldberg-Stand-up Artist and Media Icon

Won: Best Supporting Actress for Ghost (1990)

Whoopi Goldberg was once on a conventional path to stardom as an actress with roles in diverse high-profile films such as Soapdish, The Player and The Color Purple. Her Oscar win in Ghost was the culmination of that route but it was nearing the end of that phase of her career.  Casting directors today are probably not even considering Whoopi for prestige parts in films because she’s not really known as an actress anymore. With stints hosting the Oscars, participating in the annual charity event Comic Relief, doing stand-up comedy and co-hosting The View, she’s more of a media icon nowadays. She also took a role on a TV show, Star Trek: The Next Generation, simply because she was a fan of the show.

4. Richard Dreyfuss-Professor Emeritus

Won Best Actor for The Goodbye Girl (1977)

An Oscar-winner at the age of 29 (only two Best Actor winners have won the award before turning 30), Dreyfuss has immersed himself in academia where his primary interests include civics, education, government and rhetoric. He was a scholar-in-residence at England’s ultra-prestigious Oxford University where he served as a Senior Research Advisory Member of St. Antony’s College. In addition, he served for 12 years on the Board of  the National Constitution Center and founded the non-profit institute Dreyfuss Initiative dedicated to reviving civic conversation in American culture and improving the teaching of civics in elementary education. He still acts occasionally but he openly admitted in interviews for his film Poseidon that he now just acts for the money and that his passions lie elsewhere.

3. Glenda Jackson-Member of Parliament

Won Best Actress for A Touch of Class (1973) and Women in Love (1970)

Like many actors, British actress Glenda Jackson used her high profile to spout out on various political opinions. Unlike most other actors, however, she took it upon herself to get into politics. An outspoken opponent of Prime Minister Margaret Thatcher and the Conservative Party, Jackson decided to run for Parliament in 1992 and won. There were some expectations that she would coast through parliament based on her previous fame as a movie star, but she immediately took an interest in transportation and was eventually appointed Junior Transportation Minister in 1997. She also unsuccessfully ran for the Mayor of London in 2000.

2. Gig Young-Double Murder-Suicide

Won Best Supporting Actor for They Shoot Horses, Don’t They (1969)

Young’s tragic post-Oscar path was certainly unique because he’s very likely (Hollywood was a sordid place of scandal in the Golden Age so you never know) the only Oscar winner to commit murder  (his fifth wife three weeks into marriage) followed immediately thereafter by his own suicide. Young had a long history with alcoholism and psychological problems before and after his Oscar despite having a long career as a character actor and leaving behind a trail of friends and admirers. His low point was being carried off the set of Blazing Saddles in an ambulance on the first day of shooting (suffering an alcohol-induced delirium tremens), forcing production to replace him with Gene Wilder. His Oscar later became the center of a legal battle when his sole child, Jennifer Young, fought his agent for ownership of the physical statue. Jennifer Young is currently producing a documentary on Gig that has yet to find a distributor.

1. Grace Kelly-Princess of Monaco

Won Best Actress for The Country Girl (1954)

Gig Young’s downfall into suicide made for an immensely fascinating story, but to end the list on a more upbeat note, I’m going to give the top spot to the woman who met Mr. Right and became a princess. Quite literally. When her film, The Country Girl premiered at the Cannes Film Festival in France, she was invited for a photo session with the prince of Monaco whom she would later marry. This marked the end of a 5-year acting career that’s as remarkable an output as anyone could have in such a short span. By marrying Prince Rainier, she also saved the tiny principality (if you can’t find that country on the globe, try a magnifying glass: it’s the second smallest country in the world) from dissolution. A 1918 Treaty stipulated that if the Prince of Monaco couldn’t produce a male heir, then it would be surrendered to France. Rainer’s first fiance was rumored to be infertile and when the Prince met Grace Kelly at Cannes, he was supposedly in search of a new bride.

Top 10 Unsexy Sexy Songs

The pop music industry revolves around using sex appeal to sell songs, so you’d figure they’d be pretty good at it by now. Sure, not every song is going to be a hit, but they’re not going to release any tracks that completely miss the mark, right?

If you believe that you haven’t heard any of the following ten songs, which are so spectacularly unsexy they make us envy eunuchs.

10. Olivia Newton-John – Physical

The 80s’ idea of making something sexy was to coat it in purple spandex and play synthesizer music in the background, so maybe it’s unfair to judge “Physical” by modern standards. But in 2010 Billboard Magazine named it the sexiest song of all time, which proves two things: first, “Physical” is an ageless blight that must be destroyed, and second, nobody at Billboard knows what sex is.

The video is about Newton-John abusing fat people, and unless you suffer from a very particular fetish you’re not going to find that erotic in the slightest. The song itself doesn’t fare any better, as the innuendos are delivered with such ham-handedness that you almost feel like Newton-John didn’t realize she was supposed to sound seductive and actually thought this was a song about exercise. The video proves our suspicions—she looks so desexualised it constitutes lewd conduct to be aroused by her. Anyone who finds this song sexy would be brought to a state of constant orgasm by a Sears catalogue.

9. R. Kelly – Sex in the Kitchen

R. Kelly is the Salvador Dali of making love to women—he has to turn even the most mundane encounter into a surreal nightmare. No song demonstrates that better than “Sex in the Kitchen,” his passionate, heartfelt tribute to getting it on next to bakery products.

“Sex in the Kitchen” sounds like a cookbook written by a nymphomaniac—it’s mostly about sex, but there are just enough references to food that it remains a major theme. Maybe R. Kelly was hungry when he wrote the song. Or maybe he’s just insane. You can never be sure with him.

When R. Kelly sings about his girl cutting up “tomatoes, fruits and vegetables and potatoes,” he makes it sound like the most erotic thing in the world. Lyrical redundancy aside, if R. Kelly finds chopped tomatoes arousing he must impregnate every woman in a ten mile radius when he’s served steak. But at least he keeps the song somewhat classy, and doesn’t—oh wait, there’s a line about tossed salad near the end. Gross. If you’re ever offered food prepared in R. Kelly’s kitchen, don’t eat it.

8. Ne-Yo – Sexy Love

“Sexy Love” sounds like a title a 13 year old would come up with, and the rest of the song appears to have been penned by a teenager, too.

After a stunningly creative intro of, “My sexy love, so sexy,” Ne-Yo sings about a problem every teenage boy faced: “Just one touch and I erupt/Like a volcano and cover her with my love.” Dude, too much information.

After Ne-Yo gets his premature ejaculation problem off his chest, the song descends into a mess of romantic clichés. It’s like it was written with ad-libs, but the writer only knew four words to put in the blanks—“baby” and “babygirl” are used constantly, and lines like, “I love making love to you” represent the creative apex. At least he’s not letting his performance issues dampen his enthusiasm, but it’s hard to be aroused by a song about a guy who just realized sex is kind of neat.

7. Madonna – Hung Up

Yes, Madonna is still around, and yes, she still sucks. As a song, “Hung Up” isn’t that bad, but in 2009 the music video was voted the least sexy video of all time. If you disagree, you haven’t seen it.

In just five minutes you’ll see more of Madonna’s ass than it’s safe to be exposed to in a lifetime. She gyrates around in a pink leotard that leaves nothing to the imagination, which would be fine if she hadn’t been nearly 50 when this video was released. It’s like watching our mothers prance around with their buttocks hanging out—everything about it just feels… dirty. And not the good dirty, the “I’ve been in the shower for five hours and I still don’t feel clean” dirty. Three cameramen committed suicide during the recording of this video, and, if you listen closely whenever the camera zooms in on Madonna’s pelvis, you can hear their screams.

6. Dinah Washington – Long John Blues

As proof that unsexy songs aren’t a new phenomenon we’re going back to 1949, when the Queen of the Blues sang a smooth, jazzy ballad about getting railed by her dentist.

On the scale of erotic professions dentist ranks behind only coroner and concentration camp guard, so Washington had a tall mountain to climb—and a double entendre about cavities that needed filling was not the way to go about it. “He took out his trusted drill and told me to open wide” is possibly the most uncomfortable sexual analogy ever written, especially since it came right after we learned that “every woman just can’t stand the pain.” Good lord. If this song had been written thirty years later the lyrics would have just been Washington’s dentist yelling “Is it safe?” while he molested her.

5. Black Eyed Peas – My Humps

We apologize for reminding everyone of the existence of “My Humps,” a song so patently stupid that scientists have linked prolonged exposure to it with an increased risk for brain tumors, but it really does deserve a place on this list. Maybe it’s old hat to make fun of it, but the fact that the Black Eyed Peas still have a career is proof that they’ve yet to be mocked enough.

“Lady lumps” sounds like a term ultra-Orthodox Jews use when they give the sex talk. Fergie’s use of it suggests that she either has the maturity of an eight year old or she’s trying to tell us she has breast cancer. And the latter possibility is actually more arousing than anything else in this song.

When Fergie isn’t giving us an anatomy lesson she’s bragging about how she uses her body to make men spend all their money on her. Way to set feminism back a decade with your inane music, Black Eyed Peas. Is bragging about how your camel-esque behind makes men do your bidding supposed to be seductive? Maybe it’s our own fault for expecting better of a band that rhymed “sexy” with “sex me.”

4. Another Level – Freak Me

“Freak Me” was written by an R&B group called Silk, but it only became a musical contraceptive when it was covered by Another Level, a British boy band. Any song called “Freak Me” is obviously going to lack sophistication, but Another Level managed to turn it into something especially ridiculous.

Lines like, “Let me lick you up and down” and “I want to be your nasty man” are silly, but Silk could pull them off because they looked like they could actually follow up on those requests. The guys of Another Level are so wimpy that their idea of being a “nasty man” is reading their poetry to their girlfriends before they spend ten seconds thrusting and five minutes apologizing.

Their desire to “Let me freak you” doesn’t sound erotic, just desperate—these are lonely men, and there’s nothing sexy about that. Hell, the band’s token black member looks like he’s on the verge of tears throughout the entire video. Considering this was the peak of his career, we can’t really blame him.

3. R. Kelly – Pregnant

This is R. Kelly’s second entry on the list, and frankly, he could have occupied all ten spots. The man is to love songs what rape kits are to romantic evenings. Statistics show that for every R. Kelly song released the number of lesbians in the world skyrockets, and “Pregnant” was responsible for more vows of chastity than every religion in history.

“Pregnant” is about a girl with an “unbelievable booty” that R. Kelly met and became so enamoured with he immediately decided he wanted to “knock her up.” He then told her as much, making it both a terrible impulse decision and a terrible pickup line. No woman on Earth is going to respond to, “You make me want to get you pregnant” with anything except a rape whistle. It’s about as romantic as shouting, “You will be the one to bear my young!” then clubbing her and dragging her back to your cave.

And if you think that’s sexist, wait until you hear the line, “Now put that girl in my kitchen.” Wait, is this a prequel to “Sex in the Kitchen”? That song just got a whole lot darker.

2. Liz Phair – H.W.C. (NSFW)

There’s no way to be subtle here, so we’re just going to come out and say it: Liz Phair really, really likes semen. She likes it so much she wrote a ballad in its honour, and it’s even more embarrassing to listen to than you’d imagine.  Seriously, if you’re easily embarrassed, just don’t watch the video.  Take my word for it.

We don’t want to be prudes—male singers have written plenty of great songs about how much they love sex, so it would be hypocritical to criticize a woman for doing the same thing. But Phair’s song was so obviously written for its shock value that it’s not sexy, just insulting. We’re supposed to say, “A girl who sings about semen, and plays the harmonica? What a free spirit!” but our only reaction is, “Ew, gross.” We’re glad you like ejaculate so much Liz, but we really don’t need to hear about what it’s doing for your complexion. The only people who are going to be aroused by this song are future prostitutes and future serial killers.

1. Katy Perry – Milk Milk Lemonade

This song was cut from Perry’s Teenage Dream album, and considering Perry is most famous for a song about the complex and esoteric subject of making out with another girl it must have hit a whole new level of shallow to get the axe. It did—and then it kept digging.
The fact that the children’s rhyme about bodily fluids turned “sexy” hook is the least idiotic part of this song is a testament to what a concentrated dose of ear poison it is. Every line is a dreadful double entendre with all the subtly of a sledgehammer to the face. Lyrics like, “You say I got the ripest melons on the street/My honey dew and your banana make a treat,” will forever ruin both sex and fruit for anyone unfortunate enough to hear them. And it only gets worse from there, as Perry invites listeners to sample her sugar, because she’s a “tasty treat.” Well, at least she’s not asking us to try her chocolate, though it is mentioned in the hook.  Ew.