Top 10 Best Picture Oscar Winners That Could’ve Been

In the 80 or so years of its existence, the Academy Awards has made some poor choices. Dances With the Wolves over Goodfellas? Bleh. And try finding someone who could justify The Greatest Show On Earth or Around the World In 80 Days winning- let alone getting nominated. The list goes on. We know what their mistakes were. We know all the worst choices for Best Picture, the best choices for Best Picture, and all the notable snubs that have accumulated over the years. To give the Academy a break from all the harsh criticisms and accusations, I’ve decided to create a list of Best Picture and Best Director nominees that, if they won, would have been excellent choices. Not to say that they were snubbed: because the movie that won might have been a better choice. This list is simply me reminiscing of the best Best Picture winners that could’ve been.

TopTenz Master Note: I realize this list is similar to Friday’s Top 10 Great Movies That Didn’t Win An Oscar, but this was a very late submission that TopTenz felt should be included even at the risk of addressing a similar topic.

10. The Shawshank Redemption

Why Should It Have Won?: The Shawshank Redemption is one of those movies that’s jam packed with classic and powerful scenes, and the result is something that should not be missed. With career defining performances from the two leads, impressive direction, and an astonishingly original plot; it gets nearly everything right. Over the past decade, since it’s aged much better than Forrest Gump, Shawshank has amassed a generally large cult following who’ll back me in saying that it’s a modern classic and an obscure but moving masterpiece about prison life.

Why Didn’t It Win?: Robert Zemeckis had already directed the popular Back to the Future trilogy and Who Framed Roger Rabbit, and so maybe the Academy was just glad to see him make a blockbuster that was both entertaining, emotionally resonate, and applicable for a few awards (such as Best Actor for Tom Hanks), even if it was incredibly melodramatic.
Oscar noms: Best Picture, Best Actor (Morgan Freeman), Best Adapted Screenplay, Best Cinematography, Best Editing, Best Original Score, and Best Sound Mixing
Oscar wins: Zero.

9. Reds

Why Should It Have Won?: Warren Beatty’s cinematic portrayal of Communist journalist Jack Reed rivals Lawrence of Arabia, Amadeus, and Doctor Zhivago with its lush visual immensity and masterful ensemble performances. Beatty and Keaton both give tour de forces, cinematographer Vittorio Storaro proves his optical genius yet again, and the tale of the rise and fall of a little known historical figure is spectacularly executed and an insurmountable feat in biographic filmmaking.

Why Didn’t It Win?: Putting both movies side to side, it seems as if Reds would have been a surefire win for Best Picture. Other than cross country fanatics, who would’ve voted for Chariots of Fire? Reds even had everything that would ensure qualifying for the prestigious award; it’s epic, it’s a biopic, and it’s directed by an actor. But then again, if you put it into context with the fall of the Iron Curtain and Ronald Reagan single-handedly ending the Cold War, it makes some sense that a movie about the author of “Ten Days That Shook the World” wouldn’t win Best Picture.
Oscar noms: Best Picture, Best Director, Best Actor (Warren Beatty), Best Actress (Diane Keaton), Best Supporting Actor (Jack Nicholson), Best Supporting Actress (Maureen Stapleton), Best Art Direction, Best Cinematography, Best Costume Design, Best Original Screenplay, Best Film Editing, and Best Sound
Oscar wins: Best Director, Best Cinematography, Best Supporting Actress (Maureen Stapleton)

8. The Third Man

Why Should It Have Won?: Carol Reed’s visually dazzling noir mystery about espionage and betrayal in post-war Vienna showcases Graham Greene’s sharp, witty dialogue and Orson Welles, who gives a magnificent performance with screen-time of only 7 minutes and perfectly validates the phrase “There are no small parts, just small actors”. British Film Institute ranked The Third Man #1 on their Top 100 list, American Film Institute ranked it #57 on theirs, and Roger Ebert frequently includes it on his “Top 10 Great Films” list. If there was ever a film that’s greatness meets the expectations set by critics, this would be it.

Why Didn’t It Win?: Sadly, The Third Man met its match with the classic Bette Davis flick; All About Eve. Since Mankiewicz got the homefield advantage, the Oscar was given to All About Eve. Reed would be later honored in 1969 with Best Director and Best Picture for his musical-film Oliver! (which notoriously beat out Stanley Kubrick’s masterwork 2001: A Space Odyssey from winning any major awards).
Oscar noms: Best Director, Best Cinematography, Best Film Editing.
Oscar wins: Best Cinematography.

7. Taxi Driver/ Network/ All The President’s Men

Why Should They Have Won?:
Taxi Driver- Dark, moody, and disturbing study of one of the most memorable characters in film; Travis Bickle. Exemplary work from Robert De Niro and a whole bunch of other 1970s character actors, as well as arguably being Martin Scorsese’s best- or most tone driven- masterpiece to date.
Network- Perhaps more resonate now than ever, legendary screenwriter Paddy Chayefsky wrote a hard hitting, laugh-out-loud, corrosive satire on an industry that we’ve come to know and love: the media. Network delivers on every level- the cast is tremendous (Robert Duvall, William Holden, Peter Finch, Faye Dunaway, and Ned Beatty are all amazing), Sidney Lumet directs with style and social conscious, and each audacious monologue is more unforgettable than the next.
All The President’s Men- Easily the one of the greatest movies about journalism and political scandals. Redford’s and Hoffman’s star-driven charisma turn William Goldman’s witty script into riveting storytelling. The zenith of smart filmmaking.

Why Didn’t They Win?: Contrary to popular belief, the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences does have a heart, and when Rocky was released many viewed it as the underdog; it had a low budget, but ended up being a sleeper-hit and transformed Sylvester Stallone into a star overnight. To dumbfound spectators, the Academy overlooked critically acclaimed satires, character studies, and period pieces so that they could give Best Picture to the predictably sympathetic sports movie. Nobody had any idea what sort of overblown franchise and Razzie ridden legacy this award would enable Stallone to pursue.

Oscar noms:
Taxi Driver- Best Picture, Best Actor (Robert De Niro), Best Supporting Actress (Jodie Foster), and Best Original Score.
Network- Best Picture, Best Director, Best Actor (Peter Finch), Best Actor (William Holden), Best Actress (Faye Dunaway), Best Supporting Actor (Ned Beatty), Best Supporting Actress (Beatrice Straight), Best Original Screenplay, Best Cinematography, and Best Film Editing.
All The President’s Men- Best Picture, Best Director, Best Supporting Actor (Jason Robards), Best Supporting Actress (Jane Alexander), Best Adapted Screenplay, Best Sound, Best Editing, and Best Art Direction.

Oscar wins:
Taxi Driver- Zero, but it won the Palme d’Or.
Network- Best Actor (Peter Finch), Best Actress (Faye Dunaway), Best Supporting Actress (Beatrice Straight), and Best Original Screenplay.
All The President’s Men- Best Art Direction, Best Supporting Actor (Jason Robards), Best Adapted Screenplay, and Best Sound.

6. Dr. Strangelove or: How I Stopped Worrying and Learned to Love the Bomb

Why Should It Have Won?: Sure, 2001: A Space Odyssey was more of a visual exercise than a narrative, A Clockwork Orange was way too risqué, Spartacus was too much of a Ben-Hur rip off, Paths of Glory had tough competition, and Full Metal Jacket lacked humanism, but why Why WHY couldn’t Dr. Strangelove or: How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Bomb have won Best Picture? It was Stanley Kubrick’s magnum opus; Kubrick’s only work in which his photographic genius, satirical philosophical screen-writing, and over-the-top actors met at equilibrium! Since its release, there has ceased to be comedy as sharp as Kubrick’s biting political satire, an ending as memorable as Slim Pickens plummeting towards the earth backwards on a nuclear bomb, nor performances as classic as Peter Seller’s Dr. Strangelove, George C. Scott’s General Turgidson, and Sterling Hayden’s Jack D. Ripper.

Why Didn’t It Win?: I don’t want to rip on My Fair Lady, but when they awarded it Best Picture the Academy was still stuck in the heydays of historical epics and lavish musicals, and it would take them another decade until they finally woke up and smelled the roses of contemporary controversial masterpieces. And for some reason Rex Harrison got Best Actor over Peter Sellers… WHY?!
Oscar noms: Best Picture, Best Director, Best Adapted Screenplay, and Best Actor (Peter Sellers).
Oscar wins: Nada! but the 2002 Sight and Sound poll taken by famous movie directors ranked Dr. Strangelove #5 on their top 10 list.

5. A Streetcar Named Desire

Why Should It Have Won?: A lyrical and acting landmark in cinema. Vivien Leigh’s soft-spoken derangement as Blanche DuBois and Marlon Brando’s animalistic hostility as Stanley Kowalski (“Stella!!!”) easily rank as two of the greatest performances ever recorded on film. Not far behind are Karl Malden and Kim Hunter, who both won Oscars for their roles and spectacularly portrayed troubled and edgy characters. The script is as legendary as the cast: every line of dialogue is ingeniously crafted and fits each character’s inner turmoil perfectly, mainly because the playwright who wrote this raw, explosive New Orleans drama was also the American Shakespeare: Tennessee Williams. Infamous for it’s controversial themes, Williams stealthily snuck in several risqué lines of dialogue under the Hollywood Production Code’s noses- which would later be considered a monumental step in the fight against censorship.

Why Didn’t It Win?: I’ve seen An American In Paris put on both “Top 10 Best” and “Top 10 Worst” Choices for Best Picture lists. The former praises the sumptuous direction and colorful dance sequences and the latter condemns the gaping plotholes, aching sentimentality, and overproduced (though catchy) musical numbers. The Academy used to be a sucker for those kinds of things. And apparently A Streetcar Named Desire lost credibility for giving the bird to the Hollywood Production Code.
Oscar noms: Best Picture, Best Director, Best Actor (Marlon Brando), Best Actress (Vivien Leigh), Best Screenplay, Best Supporting Actress (Kim Hunter), Best Supporting Actor (Karl Malden), Best Art Direction, Best Cinematography, Best Costume Design, Best Music, and Best Sound.
Oscar wins: Best Actress (Vivien Leigh), Best Supporting Actress (Kim Hunter), Best Supporting Actor (Karl Malden), and Best Art Direction.

4. The Grapes of Wrath

bDirector John Ford made some pretty good movies. There were the Westerns, the war propaganda, and the cultural dramas- all of them validating his signature sympathetic, earthy, beautifully rendered style. Ford was famous for producing an immense amount of high quality classics throughout the 30s, 40s, and 50s; and the most heartwarming, hard-hitting, timely, and relevant of them all is undeniably The Grapes of Wrath, based on John Steinbeck’s Pulitzer Prize winning novel. Its timeless themes and morals have become a bedrock for the American ideal in cinema as we know it, and Henry Fonda flawlessly defines himself as the common man, Tom Joad, with an iconic performance. Overall, The Grapes of Wrath is one of the great American masterpieces and it’s a shame that it was overlooked by the Academy (even though Ford won a well deserved Best Director).

Why Didn’t It Win?: Rebecca was Alfred Hitchcock’s first American film, and obviously us Yankees fell head over heels for the cinematic mastermind and thought that he was the best thing to come out of England since the crumpet. As usual, we threw his film an Academy Award, and then even went so far as to nominate his second American endeavor- Foreign Correspondent. Chaplin’s The Great Dictator would’ve also been a great choice for Best Picture.
Oscar noms: Best Picture, Best Director, Best Actor (Henry Fonda), Best Supporting Actress (Jane Darwell), Best Adapted Screenplay, Best Film Editing, and Best Sound.
Oscar wins: Best Director (John Ford’s second Best Director out of four- an achievement unmatched by any other director), and Best Supporting Actress (Jane Darwell). The Grapes of Wrath has also been included on American Film Institute’s 100 Greatest Movies list, placing at #21, and was given an honorable mention on the first Sight and Sound Top Ten Poll in 1952 (and also ranks pretty high on my list as well).

3. Grand Illusion (La Grande Illusion)

Why Should It Have Won?: Often cited as the greatest anti-war film ever made, named by Orson Welles as the one movie he would take with him “on the ark”, and given the #5 slot on the definite Top 10 poll taken at the 1958 Brussels World Fair: La Grande Illusion (Grand Illusion) is nothing short of a masterpiece. Directed by Jean Renoir not as a movie about the brutality of war, but rather the absurdity of two rational men with a common background fighting one another- calling WWI a “war of gentlemen”. Within it’s running time, La Grande Illusion fires very few pistols and launches many eye-opening accusations against war with a fresh script, classic contrasting performances from foreign screen-legends Jean Gabin and Eric von Stroheim, and Jean Renoir’s ever-relevant morals.
Trivia:
• La Grande Illusion was the first foreign language (French) film to be nominated for Best Picture.

Why Didn’t It Win?: You might have heard of a director from the 1930s-1940s by the name of Frank Capra. He was famous from cranking out a string of upbeat classics that consecutively every other year won him 3 Academy Awards for Best Director- the first being It Happened One Night, the second being Mr. Deeds Goes To Town, and third being You Can’t Take It With You. The latter is a star studded farce based on the Pulitzer Prize winning play with a message revolving around following the American Dream and the pursuit of happiness: something that would be very appealing in a time when the economic state of the country was at an all time low.
Oscar noms: Best Picture.
Oscar wins: Seeing as the “Best Foreign Language Film” category wouldn’t be around for another decade, La Grande Illusion didn’t win anything. But if you ask any film historian about what they think are the 10 Great Movies, chances are this’ll be somewhere on their list.

2. The Treasure of the Sierra Madre

Why Should It Have Won?: John Huston was an American American. His signature gruff, endearing directorial manner won him the title of “cinema’s Ernest Hemingway”- noted for his memorable collaborations with Humphrey Bogart and adaptations of the great American novels. The Treasure of the Sierra Madre is a tale of comradery, greed, and betrayal in the deserts of Mexico that allowed Huston to utilize all of his talents; creating an extraordinary Hollywood spectacle and earning him worthy Best Director and Screenplay Oscars. Humphrey Bogart gives one of the definite performances of American cinema that only reinforces how fantastic of an actor he is, but was criminally overlooked for a nomination by the Academy. Luckily, Huston’s father Walter Huston won a much deserved Oscar for being a grizzled, wise, rambling old guy. The Treasure of the Sierra Madre isn’t the great American film, but it’s pretty damn close.

Why Didn’t It Win?: Actually, the fact that Sir Laurence Olivier’s Hamlet won Best Picture comes across as a surprise to most people. The Treasure of the Sierra Madre must’ve won: it got Best Director, Best Screenplay, Best Supporting Actor, it was a commercial success, it had one of the greatest performances of all time courtesy of Humphrey Bogart, and it has that quote about not needing no stinkin’ badges. Contrary to popular belief, Hamlet did win Best Picture, as well as Best Actor (Olivier’s first and only Oscar), and became the first foreign (British counts as foreign) Best Picture winner. So why did exactly did Hamlet win? To paraphrase: Olivier’s edit of Shakespeare’s tragic masterpiece introduces Freudian overtones and performs with a noir and Orson-Wellesian heart, refreshing the classic tale into something more stylish and consumable for moviegoers while still allowing room for Olivier to flex his thespian ego.
Oscar noms: Best Picture, Best Director, Best Supporting Actor (Walter Huston), and Best Screenplay.
Oscar wins: Best Director, Best Supporting Actor (Walter Huston), and Best Screenplay.

1. Citizen Kane

Why Should It Have Won?: Citizen Kane has become the obligatory choice for greatest film of all time, and with good reason. Stunningly original storytelling and brilliantly innovative cinematography, direction, screen-writing, and acting render it as a masterpiece, while topping countless respectable Greatest Ever Lists and numerous citations by other great directors validate Welles as one of the masters of cinema and Citizen Kane as the sparkling jewel of filmmaking history. Orson Welles’ crowning achievement is easily the #1 Best Picture Winner That Could’ve Been.

Why Didn’t It Win?: Mr. Welles and the Academy weren’t very fond of one another and upon it’s release, Citizen Kane wasn’t all that popular. Citizen Kane was met with rave reviews earning some Oscar nominations, but nobody really wanted it to win. Instead, John Ford- who had been on a masterpiece streak with Young Mr. Lincoln, Stagecoach, and The Grapes of Wrath- took home Best Director and Best Picture for his Welsh mining epic How Green Was My Valley: subtly ironic seeing as while preparing to filming Citizen Kane, Orson Welles claimed to have watched Stagecoach 41 times. How Green Was My Valley, even though it’s a very good movie, notably snubbed several other classics such as The Maltese Falcon, Suspicion, and Sergeant York.
Oscar noms: Best Picture, Best Director, Best Actor (Orson Welles), Best Original Screenplay, Best Art Direction, Best Film Editing, Best Cinematography, Best Musical Score, and Best Sound.
Oscar wins: Only Best Original Screenplay

Top 10 Great Movies That Didn’t Win An Oscar

As quickly as 2010 came and went, here we find ourselves in the middle of another exciting awards season. The Golden Globes have been awarded and the 83^rd Oscar ceremony is next.

When it comes to Hollywood’s highest honors, the Academy’s omissions often provoke more outcry and buzz than the actual winners. The Academy Awards are quite controversial among many film experts and fans. Although the Academy has honored many of the cinema’s masterpieces, numerous other great movies have been entirely overlooked. It seems they weren’t even worth the nomination. Other notable films were nominated, but didn’t win a single Oscar. It’s the case of Double Indemnity (a classic film noir masterpiece with seven nominations!!!) Pretty Woman, Being John Malkovich, Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone, The Talented Mr. Ripley, Munich, It’s A Wonderful Life,  Singin’ in The Rain, Mangnolia, The Magnificent Ambersons and many more.

10. Poltergeist (1982)

The first Poltergeist movie was released during the summer 1982. The very successful thriller of the 80s ranks 84th on AFI’s 100 Years…100 Thrills list. The 1986 and 1988 sequels didn’t quite measure up to the original.
Special effects can often make or break a film. It’s for sure not the case of Poltergeist (1982). Many consider that producer Steven Spielberg and director Tobe Hooper are the real stars of Poltergeist, both of them famous for creating awesome special effects. Poltergeist won in 1983 the BAFTA Film Award for Best Special Visual Effects, but failed to win the Oscar. It remains a visually striking movie that harmonically combines effective special effects with a human touch, something most horror movies lack these days.

Poltergeist – Oscar nominations

1983, Best Effects, Sound Effects Editing: Stephen Hunter Flick, Richard L. Anderson

Best Effects, Visual Effects: Richard Edlund, Michael Wood, Bruce Nicholson

Best Music, Original Score: Jerry Goldsmith

9. Ghostbusters (1984)

The 1984 Ghostbusters is one of those few great films “where the original, fragile comic vision has survived a multimillion-dollar production”, said Roger Ebert. The American fantasty-comedy made close to $300 millions in the United States, the equivalent of nowadays $596,878,264 and AFI ranked it #28 on the „ 100 Greates Comedies of all Time” list.

The plot of the movie is imaginative and very well written, the special effects were spectacular for it’s time and the cast was well put together, for both leading and supporting roles. Bill Murray portrayed Dr. Peter Venkman, Dan Aykroyd – Dr. Raymond Stantz, Sigourney Weaver – Dana Barrett and Harold Ramis – Dr. Egon Spengler.

Times columnist Caitlin Moran sparked quite a bit of controversy with her article titled “Sorry Star Wars fans, but Ghostbusters is the best film ever made!” I didn’t read such a funny, yet thought provoking article for a very long time. Great stuff, well worth reading. What do you think? Is she right?

Ghostbusters – Oscar nominations

1985,  Best Effects / Visual Effects: Richard Edlund, John Bruno, Mark Vargo, Chuck Gaspar

Best Music / Original Song: Ray Parker Jr.

8. Vertigo (1958)

Great story with original plot twists, obsessive passions, astonishingly visceral music, spine-tingling suspense, mystery…in one word: Vertigo! Vertigo’s screenplay is credited to Samuel Taylor and Alec Coppel. It  was an adaption of P. Boileau’s and T. Narcejac’s novel, D’Entre les Morts (Between Deaths / The Living and the Dead).

Although Hitchcock’s Vertigo was nominated for only two Oscars, and won none, it is widely regarded as a masterpiece. Hitchcock perfectly combined multiple levels to create a complex movie. On a literal level, Vertigo tells the  suspense-filled mystery story of a man manipulated into acting as an accomplice in a crime. On the other hand, the film’s psychological level reveals a man’s dark and twisted psyche full of fears and laden with guilt. The story follows Scottie’s obsessive fantasies and the desire to end his existential vertigo, “desperately searching for an object on which to concentrate its repressed energy”. (Magill’s Survey of Cinema) The movie explores the dangerous link between desire and death, between falling in love and falling. Finally, at a deeper and metaphorical level, Vertigo retells the ancient legend of Orpheus and Eurydice. John “Scottie” Ferguson, just like Orpheus, travels into the terrifying underworld to reclaim his lost love. These multiple levels blur the fine line between subjectivity and objectivity.

Vertigo – Oscar nominations

1959, Best Art Direction-Set Decoration / Black-and-White or Color: Hal Pereira, Henry Bumstead, Sam Comer, Frank R. McKelvy

Best Sound: George Dutton

7. Basic Instinct (1992)

Written by Joe Eszterhas and directed by Paul Verhoeven, Basic Instinct features Michael Douglas, Sharon Stone, Jeanne Tripplehorn and George Dzundza. The film generated major controversy  due to its steamy love scenes, overt sexuality and intense acts of violence.

A diabolical killer, a brutal murder, a police detective who can’t resist the temptation of danger, and a mysterious femme fatale who promises carnal pleasures, but delivers death. What more can we ask for? Basic Instinct was immensely successful upon release. It was one of the highest grossing movies of that year.

While Frank J. Urioste got nominated for Best Film Editing and Jerry Goldsmith  for Best Music, Sharone Stone and Paul Verhoeven were left out. Still can’t believe that Basic Instinct didn’t win a single Oscar.

Basic Instinct – Oscar nominations

1993, Best Film Editing: Frank J. Urioste

Best Music / Original Score: Jerry Goldsmith

6. Fatal Attraction (1987)

Can you trust that 26 directors rejected Fatal Attraction because they considered it uncommercial? One thing is for sure: Fatal Attraction was not ignored upon its release in 1987. It was the year’s most intensely debated movie, grossing over $320 million at the box office. Fatal Attraction was such a massive hit because it gave the audience something different. As Tom Hanks stated in Sleepless in Seattle: “Fatal Attraction scared the shit out of every man in America.” All the actors’ performances were outstanding. AFI ranked Glenn Close for portaying Alex Forrest #7 on its “100 Years…100 Heroes and Villains” list.
Although popular with six nominations, Fatal Attraction didn’t win any Academy Awards.

Fatal Attraction – Oscar nomincations

1988, Best Actress in a Leading Role: Glenn Close

Best Actress in a Supporting Role: Anne Archer

Best Director: Adrian Lyne

Best Film Editing: Michael Kahn, Peter E. Berger

Best Picture: Stanley R. Jaffe, Sherry Lansing

Best Writing, Screenplay Based on Material from Another Medium: James Dearden

5. Frost/Nixon (2008)

Ron Howard’s Frost/Nixon is a sharp historical drama adapted from a theatre play by Peter Morgan. Certain characters and actions have been fictionalized, but the plot is based on the famous 1977 interviews. The highlights of the movie are Frank Langella as former US President Richard Nixon and Michael Sheen as British journalist David Frost. The confrontations between these two ambitious men are truly electrifying. While Nixon struggled to regain his reputation by reminding America of his political achievements, Frost aspired to be recognized as a prominent journalist, he wanted to be admired and respected. Frost/Nixon was nominated for five Academy Awards, but lost most of the awards to Slumdog Millionaire. I’ll never understand how this fantastic movie lost to Slumdog Millionaire…

Frost/Nixon – Oscar nominations

2009, Best Achievement in Directing: Ron Howard

Best Achievement in Editing: Mike Hill, Daniel P. Hanley

Best Motion Picture of the Year: Brian Grazer, Ron Howard, Eric Fellner

Best Performance by an Actor in a Leading Role: Frank Langella

Best Writing, Screenplay Based on Material Previously Produced or Published: Peter Morgan

4. The Godfather, Part III (1990)

The third part of The Godfather trilogy is another interesting movie that failed to win an Academy Award, despite being nominated seven times. The American gangster film received mixed reviews. While Washington Post columnist Bal Hinson wrote “The man who made those two masterpieces is not the man who has given us this failed final chapter… you can’t help but see The Godfather Part III as his headstone”, Sun-Times critic Roger Ebert considerd it a “beautiful-looking film, a beautiful-feeling film, it’s great to see these people again. It’s interesting the way they dig in to the controversy invlving the Catholic Church.”

The Godfather, Part III – Oscar nominations

1991, Best Actor in a Supporting Role: Andy Garcia

Best Art Direction-Set Decoration: Dean Tavoularis, Gary Fettis

Best Cinematography: Gordon Willis

Best Director: Francis Ford Coppola

Best Film Editing: Barry Malkin, Lisa Fruchtman, Walter Murch

Best Music / Original Song: Carmine Coppola (music), John Bettis (lyrics) For the song “Promise Me You’ll Remember”.

Best Picture: Francis Ford Coppola

3. Once Upon A Time in America

One of the last memorable epics to come out of Hollywood is Sergio Leone’s Once Upon a Time in America starring Robert De Niro and James Woods. And I am talking about the original version with a running time of 227 minutes. Once Upon a Time in America was so heavily edited for its U.S. theatrical release, that the Italian film director was left inconsolable. He never made another film after Once Upon a Time in America. Unfortunately, the movie’s most interesting scenes are missing from the short version and the plot is kind of hard to understand. The full-length version of the crime drama explores the lives of a group of Jewish immigrants, chronicling their childhoods and years of glory as gangsters in America.
Why Leone’s masterpiece never received an Oscar, let alone a nomination, remains a mystery.

2. The Shawshank Redemption (1994)

The Shawshank Redemption is an inspiring ‘lesson’ on how to unleash our full potential by embracing new challenges, building on our strengths and having the courage to fight back against life’s injustices and miseries. “Get busy living…or get busy dying. That’s god damn right.” Just like Red (Morgan Freeman) said.

Although The Shawshank Redemption depicts the story of two men who become close friends while serving life sentences in a maximum security prison, it is not the typical prison drama. Frank Darabont defied all conventions of the genre (bullying, violence, crime, hopelessness of a life) to reveal new themes: friendship, determination, survival and faith. The cast is headed by Tim Robbins, Morgan Freeman and Bob Gunton. Yet, despite all of its greatness and 7 Oscar nominations, The Shawshank Redemption did not succeed in winning one.

The Shawshank Redemption – Oscar nominations

1995,  Best Actor in a Leading Role: Morgan Freeman

Best Cinematography: Roger Deakins

Best Film Editing: Richard Francis-Bruce

Best Music / Original Score: Thomas Newman

Best Picture: Niki Marvin

Best Sound: Robert J. Litt, Elliot Tyson, Michael Herbick, Willie D. Burton

Best Writing, Screenplay Based on Material from Another Medium: Frank Darabont

1.Psycho (1960)

Here we are at number one: immortal Psycho! No other movie had such a great psychological impact on the audience as Psycho had in its time. Hailed as the father of modern suspense, Hitchcock broke all the conventions and created one of the best and scariest movies ever. However, it failed to win an Academy Award. Psycho influenced many films that came after it ( Silence of the Lambs, Portrait of a Serial Killer etc.) and helped shape the slasher genre. No wonder it tops AFI’s list of 100 most thrilling American movies.

Psycho connects directly with some of our most vivid emotions: terror, despair, fear, and this makes it immortal. The nightmarish movie’s themes of paranoia caused by isolation, voyeurism, the dual nature of the human psyche, the lack of distinction between reality and appearance, the supremacy of death over life and the way in which madness is represented make Psycho stand out as one most disturbing and violent films. But…“We all go a little mad sometimes. Haven’t you?” – Norman Bates

Psycho – Oscar nominations

1961, Best Actress in a Supporting Role: Janet Leigh

Best Art Direction-Set Decoration, Black-and-White: Joseph Hurley, Robert Clatworthy, George Milo

Best Cinematography, Black-and-White: John L. Russell

Best Director: Alfred Hitchcock

Top 10 Strangest Fan Fiction Stories

Fan fiction is perhaps the single strangest method of creative expression ever conceived. Despite the fact that the form is fueled entirely by people incapable of coming up with their own characters, there are works that show a remarkable—and often disturbing—level of creativity. Writers, unchained from the burdens of conventional standards of plot, pacing and grammar, are free to put their favorite characters in any situation they can dream of; and what they dream of is often insane. Here are ten fan fiction stories that we found especially baffling; although because TopTenz strives to be safe for work we eliminated any explicitly erotic stories—and therefore 99.97% of the genre—from consideration.

10.  Sailor/ G.I. Joe

G.I. Joe represents America’s finest artistic achievement, and Sailor Moon represents how crazy Japan is. But what happens when the two forces team up to fight their enemies? Cultures collide, magical girls join the military, and stuff gets blown up. A lot of stuff. That’s pretty much all this story is about, actually; it’s like a novelization of the G.I. Joe movie, except with a lot more teenage girls talking about teenage girl things. While they kill people.

The Full Story

It’s a weird combination, because G.I. Joe is manlier than punching a grizzly bear to death while Sailor Moon’s target demographic consists entirely of 12 year old girls; so the writer of this story is either a very confused young man or the most awesome 12 year old girl ever. Also, we’d like to note that they dedicated their tale to the victims of 9/11, which, as we all know, was Cobra Commander’s most heinous act to date.

Excerpt

“Before the Vipers could raise a weapon, the Senshi attacked. ‘Jupiter Oak Evolution!’ Jupiter roared and hurtled a bolt of lightning at the HEAT and SAW Vipers. Both of them screamed as they were engulfed, electricity coursing through them, and both collapsed to the ground with a groan, twitching.”

9. Avatar and Twilight Combine in an Orgy of Clichés

You know those vampire books that all the kids these days are talking about? This may shock you, but they’re popular fodder for fan fiction. Hundreds of thousands of stories popular, to be precise. Out of all that craziness, this crossover with Avatar represents the strangest story we could find before our minds rebelled and refused to process any more tales about sparkling vampires and homoerotic werewolves.

The Full Story

The Twilight gang has come to Pandora to become involved in the Avatar project, presumably because budget cuts have made vapid teenage girls and mopey bloodsuckers the only affordable candidates for becoming nine foot tall Smurfs. Once transformed, they explore the wonders of nature and… oh, wait, they mostly just whine to each other about their love lives. There is a climactic battle, but it’s little more than a brief interruption of all the lovey-dovey talk. So if you liked Avatar but wished all the action had been replaced with sexual tension, then this is the story for you! You creep.

Excerpt

“I’d heard a new guy had arrived today for the Avatar Project,” Jacob says to me in a low voice. “But I haven’t met him yet.” Then he catches my tortured expression. “Bells, don’t worry. I haven’t caught any scent of vampire here. It’s a coinci… oh, ****. Never mind, now I do smell vampire. I’m sorry, Bella.”

8. Halo:  Now With 100% More Anthropomorphic Hedgehog Murder

Sonic the Hedgehog games seem pretty straightforward, but there’s something about the franchise that’s attracted a legion of disturbingly obsessive fans. This story about Sonic characters in the Halo world is just a brief glimpse into Sonic fandom; much stranger tales exist, but to go any deeper would be to invite madness.

The Full Story

The Halo universe is being threatened by an ancient evil, and Sonic and his superfluous friends are just kind of hanging out in it. You’d think that a bunch of anthropomorphized animals would be useless in a place populated entirely by deadly soldiers, and, well, you’d be right. Sonic and company spend most of their time getting in the way, which makes their pointless presence even more mystifying. Also, Amy Rose (a 12 year old girl hedgehog) is violently murdered by a space marine in one of the more disturbing scenes we’ve ever read. Although it’s still not as disturbing as any of the countless stories that involve her having sex.

Excerpt

“Amy attempted to punch and kick sloppily at the soldier, while 018 pointed his sword to the right. He then kicked Amy in the chest, throwing her into one of the walls that held a stone statue that had a fragile build to it, destroying it completely in the procedure. 018 noticed Amy’s dress was becoming wet from the inside, and 018 realized that he might have snapped something from within her infant feeding areas.”

7. NCIS:  Rapture

In this very special NCIS story, the team seriously oversteps their authority when they decide to investigate the secret underwater city of Rapture from the BioShock video games. If you’re not familiar with the games, all you need to know is that they involve crazy people with superhuman powers in a city with a crime rate even worse than Detroit’s. If you’re not familiar with NCIS, all you need to know is that it’s CSI on boats.

The Full Story

The story begins with one of the NCIS members playing BioShock, but in a plot twist that will blow your mind the team learns that the video game is based on reality. Why a secret city would create a video game that would do nothing except incriminate everybody who lived there isn’t explained, but most video games are full of plot holes so we guess we can let it slide.

After that startling revelation, the team says “Hey, we should blow up this city for some reason,” and then they go down there and shoot everybody. In just 14,000 words the team racks up a bigger body count than every episode of the show combined has seen; but it’s all for a good cause because they… uh… actually, they just kill a lot of insane people who were minding their own business. And that’s a shame, because their lack of motivation is the only flaw in this otherwise airtight premise.

Excerpt

“Remember, there are no humans here” whispered Vance. The rest nodded, and they quietly crept up behind the splicer before bludgeoning her to death.”

6. Harry Potter and The Pirates of the Caribbean

There’s a surprising amount of fan fiction involving Harry Potter and the Pirates movies, although the vast majority of stories are simply about Jack Sparrow boning one or more Hogwarts students (usually the male ones). This particular story takes a bold step forward by adding something that vaguely resembles a plot, which explores the question that mankind has asked for generations: what would happen if the Harry Potter heroes went back in time and sailed with the Pirates characters? Of course, there’s still lots of boning, but it’s (relatively) tasteful.

The Full Story

OK, so the plot is mostly an excuse for Harry and his pals to fall in love with Sparrow and company. Which, given their ages differences, is rather disturbing. There is some action, but even during the fight scenes our heroes mostly stand in the background and daydream about each other. Furthermore, everybody’s personalities have been set to “giggling buffoon” mode, which makes the romances so sugary that they become rather nauseating; it’s like watching Care Bears make out. Oh, and Ron gets murdered because there was an uneven number of protagonists. Love can be cruel sometimes.

Excerpt

“Do you, Hermione Granger, take Jack Sparrow to be your loftly wedded husband? Till death due you part?” the priest turned and asked her.

“I do” she responded. She looked back at Jack. Their eyes exchanged looks of love.

5. James Bond Takes Down SPECTRE with the Help of Pinocchio

When the new leader of SPECTRE threatens to turn every child in Europe into a donkey, it’s up to James Bond to stop his nefarious plan. But he can’t do it alone, which is why MI6 must call upon the aid of a time traveling Pinocchio, Jiminy Cricket, Lampwick and Geppetto. Why they’re traveling through time to fight evil isn’t made clear, but since any attempt at an explanation would probably make our heads explode we’re not going to complain.

The Full Story

Rather than turn Pinocchio and company into stone cold killing machines, the author instead chose to bring James Bond down to a G rating. While this does keep things family friendly (and this story will no doubt become a timeless family classic one day), it unfortunately eliminates the Bond franchise’s signature wit. So, to our great disappointment, Pinocchio doesn’t lie in order to spear a bad guy with his nose while saying something like “I hope you don’t mind me nosing around.” Although Geppetto does blow up two motorcycles, so that’s something.

Excerpt

“James Bond’s view of M’s three guests changed when he saw not a microphone under the hat but a rather large clothed anthropomorphic cricket. James was a logical man like all 00 agents had to be but the only logical conclusion to seeing the cricket was were real life characters from the aftermath of the story of Pinocchio when the puppet was made a real boy. James Bond was not only in the presence of time travelers, but time travelers from an earth time line where the story of Pinocchio was true and not a fairy tale.”

4. Lord of the Scooby Snacks

While The Lord of the Rings is undeniably a masterpiece, we can all agree that it would have been even better had it also included a talking dog that solved mysteries. One fan fiction author, seeing the error of J.R.R. Tolkien’s ways, wrote a story that dropped the cast of Scooby Doo straight into Middle Earth.

The tale begins with Scooby and the rest of the gang finding the one ring, which transports them to the Shire and turns them into hobbits. They promptly team up with Frodo and company to destroy the ring; the story is basically the same as the source material, except most of the rich mythology has been replaced with a love triangle featuring Fred, Daphne and Legolas. Oh, and Scooby falls in love with a sexy elf dog.

The Full Story

Sadly, this epic wasn’t finished, so we’ll never know how it ends. However, we’re willing to bet that the plan was for Sauron to be defeated by an elaborate Rube Goldberg machine, at which point he was unmasked and revealed to be mean old Lobelia Baggins.

Excerpt

“Fred glares at Legolas. “Oh man! Why on Middle Earth did have to get stuck with this guy?”Fred thinks. “And I wish I knew why Daphne likes him so much.” Fred looks a Legolas’s long hair and his tall figure. “So he’s handsome, I still don’t see what’s so great about him.” The young Hobbit thinks. “I hope we reach the town soon.” Just then Fred hears a noise that sound a bit like Orks.”

3. Sherlock Holmes and Watson Make Out, Also Have Pokemon

People have been writing Sherlock Holmes fan fiction since the character’s debut, but this story is unique in that it also involves Pokémon, and it involves them for a reason that not even the great detective could figure out.

The Full Story

The tale begins with Holmes trying to seduce Watson, but Watson is so distressed by this that he packs up his Pokémon and leaves for another city to become a Pokémon doctor. Holmes, unable to resist his true love, tracks Watson down, shows him his newly acquired Pokémon, and pretty much comes within a step of committing rape. At first Watson resists, but then their two Pokémon merge into one, and Watson is so impressed by the act that he gives into his feelings for Holmes. They share a passionate kiss, and while much is left unanswered we’re just thankful that the story ended before they showed each other their second kind of pocket monster, if you know what we mean.

We mean their genitals. It’s implied they touch each others genitals.

Excerpt

“It gave me a sad look. I wanted to ask what was wrong but I still couldn’t find my voice. Then, without warning, Slowbrow grabbed my hand with its newly free paws. It then grabbed Holmes’ hand with the other. We both stared at it in uncertainty. Slowbro brought our hands together, and they connected like puzzle pieces.”

2. The Lion King is Retold with the cast of The Golden Girls and Courage the Cowardly Dog

In the most surreal crossover known to man, Dorothy, Rose, Blanche and Sophia wake up one day to find that they’ve become lion cubs fathered by Mufasa. Courage is there for some reason too, and together they grow up with Simba, destined to do great things.

The Full Story

Only two chapters were written before the author abandoned the story, presumably because they recognized their own insanity and checked themselves in to a mental institution. If you’re wondering why we’re including a story that only lasted two chapters, it’s because those two chapters pack in more craziness than most complete works. For example: at the end of chapter two, Dorothy develops telekinetic powers and uses them to make a buffalo explode. And, if you listen carefully as you read about it, you can hear your mind snap.

Excerpt

“But then one of the buffalo charged right at us and then before I knew Dorothy activated a pink, transparent, glossy telekinetic bubble and barricaded the both of us from that buffalo. The buffalo smashed right into the bubble and was instantly electrocuted and stunned into a paralyzing daze. He then swooned to the ground and the rest of the herd lunged right for us. ‘Fire away, Pussycat!’ I commanded Dorothy challengingly and then Dorothy shot and discharged streaks of pink lightning bolts from the telekinetic bubble in a flare of fury and then several of the buffalo were stunned and electrocuted as the electricity spewed out through their bodies and were flattened to the ground.”

1. Twilight and Harry Potter – Horrifying Pregnancies

Yeah, we know what you’re thinking. “After all the weird stuff they’ve shown me, they’re going to end with a run-of-the-mill Twilight/Harry Potter crossover? How lame is that?” Well, we’ll explain. Jeez, show some patience. Jerk.

For starters, this work in progress has already reached 319,000 words, which makes it longer than any of the novels it’s based on. Even more worrying, it comes with a disclaimer: “Will have mpregs!” For our laymen readers, that means male pregnancies. That also means it’s OK for you to stop reading and slowly back away from your computer; we won’t judge you.

Full Story

We’ll admit that we didn’t read the entire thing because, well, it’s a 319,000 word story about male Harry Potter and Twilight characters getting knocked up. But from what we skimmed before our eyes started to bleed we deduced that this epic tale is about Harry and Draco moving to Forks for some reason, where they promptly shack up with Edward and Jacob, respectively. There’s really no plot beyond that; it’s just hundreds of thousands of words of flirting, moping and making out.

There are about 20 scenes of Harry Potter getting in and out of the shower, and everybody spends most of their time telling each other how nice they look without shirts on. It would actually be less gay if they just had sex. And when that finally happens, Draco ends up pregnant. There’s even a long explanation as to how this is possible, although thankfully the details of how the child will be delivered are left out. But don’t worry; we’re sure some other fan fiction writer will cover that soon enough.

Excerpt

“No,” Draco snapped. “No you don’t! My father can barely stand to look at me, Jacob’s on the other side of the country and I don’t even know what I feel for this- this baby growing inside of me!”

“I thought you told your dad you didn’t want to terminate.”

“Usually…I don’t,” admitted. “But sometimes I just want it to all go away.” His lips pursed in self-disgust and anger. “And then two seconds later, I feel horrible. I feel horrible that I don’t want this kid whole-heartedly and without hesitation. And just seeing Jacob…just having him think it’s so easy…I…” Draco shook his head, almost curling into himself as his arms wrapped around his middle.”

Top 10 TGIF Shows of the 90′s

The Top (and Bottom) 10 TGIF Shows of the 90′s:  In Order of Memorability

From the late 1980s to the mid 1990s Friday nights actually had SOMETHING on TV to watch. And, for the most part it was aimed toward kids and teens because ya know, mayhem and illegal activities were unknown to the 10 year old crowd.

It’s Friday in 1992, and you’re seven years old. You get out of school, had your afternoon filled with playing outside, Power Rangers and Batman: the Animated Series. Now, you nabbed some sleeping bags and headed over to a friend’s house with pizza, hunkered down in front of the TV to watch “TGIF.”  It was the night where ABC dominated home, and kids all over would laugh, and of course learn “important”, but in reality, idiotic life lessons.

TGIF (for the uninitiated) was a TV show lineup that aired on Friday nights from 8PM to 10PM. The shows were usually family oriented and focused on being comedic in nature and sometimes tried to have” life lessons,” however these were usually schmaltzy, and even had “sympathetic “ music play during them, which is when I would take a bathroom break, knowing they were ridiculous, even as a prepubescent.  Anyway, TGIF stood for “Thank Goodness It’s Friday,” and it even had its own musical intro and outro, hosts, and from time to time special TV events; like clips from upcoming Disney movies, since Disney bought ABC around this time, and previews of the new Saturday morning cartoons that would debut the next day.

The lineup had a wide selection of shows ranging from crap, like You Wish and Dinosaurs, to really poignant coming of age comedies like Boy Meets World.  This lineup was established for quite some time, with shows like Perfect Strangers and Webster, but it wasn’t really until shows like Full House that the lineup became the standard for our generation. I will focus on the ten shows that I think really were the most memorable, good or bad.

The Not So Remembered:

10. You Wish

In the mid 90s there was resurgence in supernatural based sitcoms on TGIF. Essentially the purpose was to echo others of the past, such as Bewitched. The most popular and successful of these shows was Sabrina the Teenage Witch, which I will get into later in this list. While that show was essentially a Bewitched of the 90s, You Wish, attempted the same, mirroring itself on I Dream of Jeannie. Did it succeed; well do YOU remember this show…exactly.

On to the show itself, You Wish follows single working mom, Gillian Apple, which if that doesn’t sound like a porn name I don’t know what does. Anyway she picks up a magic lamp at a rug shop owned by Sallah from Raider’s of the Lost Ark. The genie in the lamp becomes indebted to her for his freedom, and lives with her and her children, thus causing sit-com hijinks to ensue.

Was it good?

No, but it wasn’t a blight to humanity or the worst show ever. It was standard, stock, and nobody bought it. When you start introducing long lost grandfathers in your first season you know there are problems. Even as a kid I knew it was pathetic and usually changed the channel or played Super Nintendo for a half hour until the next show in the block was on. It just came off as lazy, and to be frank “Sabrina” while still cheesy, did have better jokes, I mean TV’s Frank from “MST3K” wrote on it for a while, and even Penn Jillette was a recurring character. So, you can see they were trying when they made that show, was it funny, no, but at least an effort was being made.

9. Teen Angel

Also from the fantasy sit-com pile, Teen Angel is the story of Marty, who one night hungry, probably high as well, ate a six month old hamburger under his friend Steve’s bed on a dare. This of course kills Marty and now he is Steve’s guardian angel, who attempts to help his friend, but usually fails abysmally, and gets chewed out by God’s cousin Rod, played by Shepherd from Firefly, regularly throughout the series.

This show was created by Al Jean and Mike Reiss both veteran writers on The Simpsons during the golden days of that series. The premise of the show was rather unique of a TGIF show, it started off pretty dark with someone dying in episode 1, had a sarcastic humor, and even some interesting ideas. Since Marty was dead no one saw him, classic movie angel rules, but he pulls an invisible man in one episode and covers himself in makeup to become visible. All mind you, to try and make out with some girl.

To be honest, I kinda liked Teen Angel as a kid. It took risks, for a family show, made light of usually taboo subjects on TGIF, in this case death, and even broke the fourth wall. This happened when Steve’s mom, played by Brady Bunch alumnus Maureen McCormick, left the show mid-season, and Steve’s dad was introduced later. Usually, TGIF would just ignore that character and pretend they never existed (i.e.: Morgan’s recasting on Boy Meets World.) But, this still was a show riding the “Sabrina” fanta-com, yes I just invented that term, wave. Everyone saw through this, and a show about a dead kid doesn’t really sell with parents, so this was canceled after one season as well.

8.  Hangin’ With Mr. Cooper

This is where the reviews get much easier to explain, the premises from here on are your standard TGIF programming.  And speaking of standard TGIF, I bring you Hangin’ with Mr. Cooper. The premise was Mark Cooper,  former NBA player turns to being a high school teacher, and moves in with two women, since they need a third person to make rent. This of course leads to family-friendly sexual tension, and dragging out a romance for five seasons. Man, and I thought Jim and Pam took forever on The Office.

Was it good?

Hangin’ with Mr. Cooper was essentially a hybrid of many sitcom elements. For example, it was produced by the guys who made Full House, and I believe they may have referenced that show in the dialog once in a while, I even think they did a crossover at some point, but all my searching  has led to hazy answers. Also, it felt very much like The Cosby Show, having a predominantly black cast, and a similar family-friendly approach to humor. This even had a little Head of the Class/ Welcome Back Kotter thing going on with the teacher angle. Not to mention the premise of the show, one guy living with two women, where sexual tensions flare and a romance buds. Yeah, I saw Three’s Company as well, ABC, thanks for the ten minutes it took to create that story. Also, I love the dropped “g” in “Hangin’” it really makes me think an executive was yelling the following: “No! We need to sell this as an URBAN ‘Three’s Company’ drop that ‘g’!”

This show was lame. It was boring; the characters were half-assed and just felt like someone tossed darts at a board of sit-com clichés, drunkenly I might add, and ta-da, new show. However, it did quite well, and lasted for five seasons. Sure, retooling happened, but to be fair five seasons for a TGIF show, and staying on ABC for its full run, is quite rare. So, this show may be bland, but it least it was consistently bland.

7.  Clueless

This of course was the TV-Series based off a movie, based off a Jane Austen book. So, of course it’s very true to its source material.  Anyway, to break down the basics of the show, Clueless is the TV-series based off the 1995 film about a rich girl in California, rife with 90s slang and playing matchmaker at school with random people she finds to fit together. The series followed this pattern as well as other misadventures involving proms, box socials, and other stereotypical girly nonsense I don’t care about.

The show did do well, but ABC cancelled it before seeing the figures…geniuses. It was later moved to UPN and had a decent run for that network. It lasted three seasons overall.  It even ran in syndication for a few years after, and probably still does on obscure cable channels or local stations.

Was it good?

The show overall was not that bad. Having an older sister I was kind of forced to watch reruns of this while I waited for “Power Rangers” to come on. Honestly, it wasn’t gag inducing, aside from many of the 90s stereotypes, compared to other TGIF fodder with their emotionally schmaltzy crap. It had decent acting for the genre, until UPN took over and changed the dynamic from slower humor to more fast paced and pop culture driven. Overall, not a bad show, but really for the girls out there, obviously.

6. Perfect Strangers

Perfect Strangers was the show that spawned Steve Urkel…indirectly. But first, what was this show? Remember Mork & Mindy, the fish out of water comedy about an alien trying to adjust to earth culture? This is the same show, seriously, even has the same creator. The only difference between the two shows is the “fish” in the story. Mork, an alien from another planet, now replaced with Balki, immigrant from the island of Mypos (aka NOT-Greece.) Both were loud annoying characters who didn’t understand Earth (American) culture, and had people who cared about them that went crazy trying to control them. In this case instead of Mindy we have Larry, Balki’s distant cousin.

Was it good?

That’s it really – the show was nothing but a Mork & Mindy/ Odd Couple third cousin, with a nice layer of subtle racism towards immigrants to tie it all together. Seriously, everything Balki says is like something Fievle’s dad would dream about “In America they have SHOES!” See he’s not from American so he’s dumb, which makes it funny, HA.HA. Seriously, what was ABC trying to say with this show?

Despite what I thought, the show did incredibly well. It stayed on for eight years, making it one of the longest running ABC TGIF shows in the block’s history. It also created the spin-off, Family Matters which made that a mega hit. However, I still put it low on the list, because no one in their early twenties even remembers this show, and its spin-off Family Matters reached pop culture heights that Perfect Strangers never achieved.

5. Full House

While it didn’t have the most creative writing, or really “writing” at all, Full House did seem to pull everyone under the age of nine into its viewership, and for some reason kept everyone attached to it for years to come. The show followed a widower, Danny Tanner, his friend Joey and brother-in-law Jesse living in a house trying to raise his three daughters, hence a “full house,” subtle. While I don’t remember ever laughing at this show, even as a kid, what came off as most memorable was the life lesson moment that came at the end of every episode, which taught some nonsense like, “Daddy still loves you, even if you broke the lamp. Aww.”

The things to note if you watch any episode now, is how hilarious it is to see Bob Saget trying his hardest be nice and clean, when in reality he is a filthy comic who is actually funny, albeit bitter. Also, Joey, played by someone as funny as renewing your mortgage, Dave Coulier, is just creepy when you really look at him and his character. Obsessed with Bullwinkle at the age of 40 (which comprises most of Dave’s act even to this day) and refusing to get a job and move out of his friend’s house, while still making creepy cartoon voices to teenage girls, may make Uncle Joey about as weird as the bike shop owner on that one episode of “Diff-Rent Strokes.”

Was it good?

Was Full House a good show? No, but it made some serious money. The only other bland comedy that I think this mirrors today is Two and a Half Men, which is just horrible, but still rakes in cash from the elderly viewers, aka CBS, and is syndicated all over the place. This of course gave Charlie Sheen more money to use on doing cocaine, trashing hotels, and smacking women, because, you know, he was on a family show, and that’s how sit-com stars roll.  Now he’s got tiger blood.  Yeow!

4. Family Matters

Oh man, this show was the biggest thing as a kid, it was everywhere, and just about every show had a joke about it, The Simpsons would bash it almost regularly, as well as Pinky and the Brain. Family Matters followed a black family living in Chicago, whose father was a fat cop, played by the fat cop in Die Hard, can you say type cast?

The show was actually a spin-off of Perfect Strangers, a show about Bronson Pinchoit playing an annoying character (See Above). So, of course, the breakout star of Family Matters was Steve Urkel, easily the MOST ANNOYING CHARACTER EVER DEVISED! A skinny nerd with high-water pants and a loud nasally voice. He basically looked like those nerds you’d see on Saved by the Bell, walking stereotypes if you will.

Was it good?

For some God-forsaken reason his character became the big star of the show, and would even make cameos on other ABC programs, like Full House, to boost ratings. But as soon as this phenomenon of obnoxious nerdiness came, it quickly went, and it was taken off of TGIF and moved to CBS. Where they attempted to do a Friday night lineup of their own, which failed so badly that Family Matters’ last episode, a two-parter, never was completed…Thank God! I personally believe Urkel is the reason it took ten more years for America to get a black president. The Urkel dance did to us as a nation getting past color barriers as George Lucas did to me after I saw “Epiosde I.”

3.  Step by Step

Remember that show about a single mother and a single father who get married and take their respective kids to live together in a new home, yeah me too it was called The Brady Bunch. Seeing how successful that was, ABC copied the idea and made Step by Step. Haha…get it …Step by Step, cause they’re step…brothers…and sisters…oh forget it.

Was it good?

The show basically took the creepy amount of happiness in The Brady Bunch and instead had the kids hate each other and constantly fight, just like YOUR family. The family, again, consisted of stereotypes: the tomboy, the nerd…again identified by glasses, the surfer, the blatant Wayne’s World knockoff, the smart opinionated girl, and the valley girl.  Although a valley girl joke by 1994 was already a dated and lame, hell all of these were. It’s like someone thinking that stereotypes from a decade ago would work in the current era. At that rate they should have had hippies and greasers in there while they were at it. To be fair, Step by Step was funnier than the last two shows, still not great and the jokes for the most part were lame, it did have a little more real dialogue with kids who said sarcastic quips, and insulted each other, which compared to Full House was like Tarantino dialogue.

2. Sabrina, the Teenage Witch

Sabrina, the Teenage Witch.  That’s the premise right there, I don’t need to explain anymore. OK, fine, Clarissa, from Clarissa Explains It All plays a teenage witch, based off of the Archie comics’ character, who would become a cartoon on ABC Saturday mornings shortly after .

Was it good?

This show was again, not really funny, but it was mildly entertaining, and would occasionally have an interesting face appear like the always-awesome Penn, or in an episode Frank Coniff, aka TV’s Frank from “MST3K.” Poor Frank, he must have really needed cash. ABC tried to do all sorts of gimmicks to profit off “Sabrina, “such as shows like You Wish and Teen Angel, which I mentioned earlier. Eventually “Sabrina” was moved to the WB, retooled, and finally canceled, but despite the flaws, it was still one of the better TGIF shows.

1. Boy Meets World

This was THE show; every kid loved this TGIF staple, and would watch every week. If you came in to school Monday missing that week’s episode you were out of the loop, it was really the water cooler show for kids drinking juice boxes. The show followed the exploits of a young boy, Corey Matthews, growing up, living and learning from his teacher and neighbor Mr.Feeny. Who handed down life lessons, which actually made some sense. The show lasted eight years and went from Corey’s middle school days, up until he left college to go off to New York.

Was it good?

The show obviously had a heart, but didn’t pour as much sap on as Full House and had characters that were actually entertaining. On top of that, the show was legitimately funny.  The character Eric, Corey’s dimwitted brother, was played by Will Friedle, later the voice of Terry McGinnis in Batman Beyond, was one of the funniest and in the earlier seasons, best developed characters in the series.

The show really defined what it was to be a kid growing up in suburbia, in an essence it was a later generation’s The Wonder Years, funny and sentimental. The only problems are episodes focusing on Shawn with his family in the trailer park. They were usually the least funny and most hammy in acting. But aside from that I feel it is a high watermark for family programming, and easily the best TGIF ever produced.

Now, TGIF is extinct. ABC is aiming for new markets to produce content. It still tries to be a family network, with shows like Dancing with the Stars and other bland inoffensive tripe. But, in an age of the internet and quality cable shows on AMC, FX, and of course premium channels like HBO, the day of TGIF and basic network TV is heading for the way of the Dodo.  Therefore, they are trying for somewhat edgier programming, like Lost and Modern Family. The problem being, with shows like Mad Men and The Walking Dead being able to do so much more and not worry about a family image ABC is at a crossroads and will eventually have to adapt to change for its viewers, or be left by the wayside permanently, which is where I see the old networks ABC, NBC, and CBS heading if things don’t change.

Top 10 Sausages From History

Whether you’re barmy for Bratwurst or loopy for a Lincolnshire, the humble sausage has been a favourite for pork-lovers for centuries.

However, the tasty pork parcels have not always been as easily accepted as they are today and history records sausages being at the centre of many bizarre and often controversial events. Here are 10 of our favorites:

10.  The Sausage Anti-Christ

A special spiced sausage made with pork, pine nuts and pepper was a favourite dish at the ancient Roman Lupercalian and Floralian festivals. This being the Romans, these pagan celebrations regularly descended into debauched orgies which were frowned on by Christians. Happily for the moral Right, Christian emperor Constantine the Great came into power in AD324 and, realising the potency of the humble sausage, banned them. Not ones to be easily defeated, the Romans quickly started a black market in sausages which lasted several years, until the ban was lifted.

9. The Comedy Sausage

The Ancient Greeks liked a good laugh, and none more so than playwright Epicharmus, who penned a rip-roaring comedy called Orya (‘The Sausage’) in about 500BC. Sadly only a fragment of this play remains today, so we will never know what the big joke was (though some of us can probably guess).

8. The Pricey Sausage

Australian comedian and businessman Steve Vizard may not have been preparing for a fried breakfast when he ordered his broker to buy shares in Sausage Software, but he was indulging in a little insider trading. In 2000 Vizard was charged with insider trading for trading in Sausage shares based on highly confidential information he had received in his capacity as a director with Telstra, which was planning to acquire a controlling interest in the company. Ironically Vizard actually lost money on the deal after waiting too long to sell, leaving him $150,000 out of pocket.

7. The Purifying Sausage

Great American novelist Upton Sinclair was so appalled by the conditions he witnessed in Chicago’s meat processing facilities that he felt compelled to write about them. The resulting book, The Jungle, which revealed how sausages regularly ended up filled with a mixture of pork, rat and poisoned bread, caused such an outrage in America that Congress was moved to pass the Pure Food and Drug Act of 1906 to crack down on unhygienic conditions.

6. The Mega Sausage

The World Record-holding longest smoked sausage ever made caused hundreds to turn out when it was distributed among locals in Bucharest, Romania. Created by Caroli Foods, the 392.89 m-long sausage, unveiled two days after Christmas in 2008, became the focal point of a huge party, Including music, performance and dozens of people dressed as Santa Claus.

5. The Death Sausage

Your life has probably already gotten pretty bad if you’re being forced to share a solitary sausage with 13 other people for dinner, so pity the poor 18th Century peasants in Wildbad, Germany, who were just a meagre mouthful away from discovering deadly disease botulism. Easily killed by proper cooking this toxic bacteria causes muscle paralysis and a slow and painful death by suffocation. Within hours six of the peasants were dead and the rest seriously ill, almost certainly leading them to wish they’d given it just a couple more minutes in the pot.

4. Radical Sausage

In 1981 Moroccan tanker engineer Joseph Guillou found himself in hot water for choosing a sausage as an unconventional wall decoration. The unfortunate worker was jailed for two years after pinning the pork product to a hook normally reserved for a portrait of Morocco’s King Hassan. Guillou probably didn’t help matters by saying in his defence that a sausage was ‘more useful than a picture of the king.’

3. The Epic Sausage

When discussing the history of the humble sausage it is commonly pointed out that one of the first documented mentions of the food stuff occur in Homer’s epic poem The Odyssey, dating from around the 8th Century BC. What is often overlooked is the actual point of mention: “As when a man near a great glowing fire turns to and fro a sausage, full of fat and blood, anxious to have it quickly roast; so to and fro Odysseus tossed, and pondered how to lay hands on the shameless suitors.”

Yep, the humble sausage in question is the hero of the whole piece, being slowly roasted by angst the night before brutally massacring the many suitors of his estranged wife and their girlfriends. Nice chap.

2. The Racing Sausage

Since the mid-1990s home baseball games for the Milwaukee Brewers have featured an unusual event before the bottom of the sixth innings. Characters representing sausages from around the world race round the stadium for the amusement of the crowd. This popular event has in itself sparked some unusual incidents, such as in 2003, when visiting Pittsburgh Pirates first baseman Randall Simon took a swing at the Italian sausage with his bat as it passed the visitors’ dugout. The woman in the suit was not seriously injured, but Simon was arrested, fined and suspended from three games, and the incident has gone down in bizarre baseball history. In 2010 the sausage race made headlines again when the Italian sausage collided with a police motorcycle while running to the stadium, again there were no serious injuries.

1. The Human Sausage

Chicago sausage-maker Adolph Luetgert became famous with his neighbours in 1987 for his blazing rows with his wife Louisa, little did they realise he was soon to become famous with the whole town. At the forefront of the couple’s problems was Adolph’s affair with their housekeeper, Louisa’s niece, Mary Siemering. Adolph had set up a little love nest for himself in his sausage factory and when Louisa went to confront him on the night of May 1 she was never seen again. Police later discovered Louisa’s rings in the bottom of one of the sausage factory’s vats and Adolph was imprisoned for life. He went mad in jail, protesting his innocence, and died in an asylum years later.

Top 10 MacGuffins

Originally popularized by Alfred Hitchcock, the term “MacGuffin” refers to the object in a movie that drives the action. In most cases, what the MacGuffin actually is irrelevant. It exists solely to get the characters moving and drive the plot forward. The only real requirement is that it must be something people are willing to cheat, lie, steal, kill, or be killed for. As long as it sounds plausible, it’ll work. Still, despite the very loose qualifications for a MacGuffin, great films have used some pretty memorable ones. Here are the Top Ten MacGuffins:

10. The Diamonds – Reservoir Dogs

No matter your opinion of Quentin Tarantino, there’s no arguing his knowledge of movies. For his first film, he boiled down thousands of crime flicks into the ultimate heist movie, although one where the heist is never shown. Less concerned with the mechanics of how the crime occurred, the film is much more interested in how the characters relate to each other, and what they’re willing to do to each other when things go south. At the center of that unseen robbery and all its horrible, horrible consequences is a bag of diamonds. Rarely seen and barely mentioned, the diamonds are the impetus for all the swearing, fighting, shooting, killing, torturing, and backstabbing. Things get so horrific that audiences can be forgiven if they forgot that the bag of diamonds are what brought the color-coded madmen together in the first place. And in the end, every one of them (except for Mr. Pink) ends up dead for the MacGuffin.

9. The Ransom – The Big Lebowski

What makes the Coen Brothers great is how they can follow the rules of a genre picture to the letter while still making something completely original and unexpected. Take The Big Lebowski, their 1998 stoner noir detective film. The plot, such as it is, follows the efforts of ex hippie Jeff “The Dude” Lebowski as he attempts to replace his cherished rug and in the process gets dragged into a good old fashioned L.A. mystery. Well, almost. It’s got all the trappings of a classic noir- the cynical detective, head-spinning twists and turns, a group of dangerous thugs, and a beautiful woman in peril. But none of it ever seems all that serious. Even it’s MacGuffin turns out to be a joke. In the film, Lebowski is hired by another Lebowski to deliver a suitcase full of money as ransom for his abducted trophy wife. Once this enters the picture (and abruptly gets lost) it drives Lebowski and his psychotic friend Walter to solve the crime, and hopefully see a big payout. But this is a Coen Brothers film and in the end, the ransom was fake, no one really got kidnapped, and besides Lebowski’s poor friend Donnie, everything ends up just about exactly the same as it began.

8. The Maltese Falcon – The Maltese Falcon

The stuff that dreams are made of. In the noir classic The Maltese Falcon, everybody wants to get their grimy hands on the titular black bird. Although we get some back story about the statue’s illustrious past and the gold and gems hidden beneath its simple coating, it’s mostly just window dressing to make us believe that these people would dedicate their lives to finding the thing, and be willing to fill each other full of lead to get it. For Casper Gutman, his creepy assistant Cairo, and the girl Brigid, it’s the end all and be all of their existence and the treasure they’ve covered the world searching for. For Humphrey Bogart’s Sam Spade, who’s caught in the middle of everything and ends up with the thing, it’s something to keep him alive along enough to collect some kind of payout. The Maltese Falcon is full of action and suspense, but what makes it unforgettable is the thick undercurrent of greed that propels every character, even the hero. Greed for a little black bird and the riches it can bring.

7. The Bike – Pee Wee’s Big Adventure

MacGuffins are usually something so important or valuable that they drive men and women to dramatic levels of greed and violence. No matter how vaguely they’re described, it’s always clear that anyone in their right mind would kill to get them. Other times, they’re just a really cool bike. Pee Wee’s Big Adventure, the 1985 flick that brought Pee Wee Herman to mainstream audiences, is all about his search for his awesome bike. When it is stolen early in the film, Pee Wee begins a cross country journey to find his treasured two wheeler. Along the way he befriends an ex-con, a waitress with a dream, and even a ghostly trucker called Large Marge. He finds love, friendship, fame, and eventually his bike. But by that point, it doesn’t even matter. Herman started out as a boy (although a really old creepy one) looking for his bike, but he ends up a hero, a friend, a lover, but most importantly of all, a man. Now that’s one hell of a MacGuffin. And it’s a pretty cool bike.

6. The Death Star Plans – Star Wars

There are two schools of thought when it comes to MacGuffins. The first says that what the MacGuffin is doesn’t matter. As long as it stirs up the plot and sets things in motion, good enough. The second school argues that for a MacGuffin to be truly effective, it needs to be something of critical importance, not just to the characters, but to the audience as well. The Death Star plans in Star Wars are prime examples of the second philosophy. They are the impetus for the plot and set Luke and company on their adventure of galactic battle, self-discovery, and feathered hair, but they are more than just some generic plans. Without the hologram stored in R2D2’s memory banks, the rebellion wouldn’t be able to bring down the evil planet destroying spaceball. Still, does it really matter how they blow up the thing? For all their usefulness, the plans are still just a thing to get the story going. And that makes them a MacGuffin.

5. The $2 Million – No Country for Old Men

Two things kick off the intricate cat and mouse game in No Country for Old Men. The first is a satchel with 2 million bucks in it that loser Llewlyn Moss (played by Josh Brolin) stumbles upon at a drug deal gone wrong. The second is his decision to go back and bring some water to the only man left standing after the fight. That may be what sets the bad guys on his trail, but it’s the $2 million MacGuffin that keeps them coming. Suddenly rich and just smart enough to realize how much trouble he’s in, Moss flees with the money even though he knows that whoever left it won’t give it up that easily. Unfortunately for him, the men who lost the cash hire Anton Chigurh, the most psychotic man to ever get a bad haircut. The money drives Moss to more and more desperate acts, just as it drives Chigurh to kill and creep his way closer and closer. In the end, the movie becomes about how far ahead of Chigurh Moss can stay and the real prize isn’t the money, it’s the chance to breathe another day. Classic Coen Brothers and classic MacGuffin.

4. The Military Secrets – The 39 Steps

You can’t have a list of MacGuffins without at least one example from the master, Alfred Hitchcock. Almost all of his films have a MacGuffin of some sort at their core, and few filmmakers were as skilled as Hitchcock in creating thrills and drama out of the chase for a largely unknown property. In his classic The 39 Steps, everything revolves around a mysterious set of “military secrets.” No one knows what they are, and Hitchcock never goes to any great length to explain them until the very end. By the time the audience does find out what they are, it almost doesn’t matter. All that is important is they’re secret and a shadowy cabal of foreign spies will do anything to get them, including terrorizing a poor, innocent Canadian who stumbles into their web of intrigue. One of the first and best examples of a MacGuffin, the military secrets in The 39 Steps create a lot of drama, and in the end mean almost nothing.

3. The Ring – Lord of the Rings

For all its power, mystery, and danger, The One Ring in Lord of the Rings is really just a big, high stakes MacGuffin . Unlike most MacGuffins, it doesn’t drive a bunch of lowlifes to chase each other around dark alleyways looking for a quick buck, it actually is the only thing which can save the whole world. Still, scale isn’t important in the MacGuffin game. Everybody wants the Ring, everything happens when it appears, and every danger little Frodo and friends face is directly related to the fact that he’s got the Ring on a string around his neck. Sounds like a MacGuffin to me. There’s also the fact that there isn’t much evidence that the Ring is so powerful or dangerous, besides the fact the characters tell us there is. A lot. Sure, it makes people invisible and drives Gollum to the depths of addiction, but that doesn’t seem like enough to rule the world. The Ring is just a thing that everyone wants. And that’s a MacGuffin, through and through.

2. The Glowing Briefcase – Kiss Me Deadly

The glowing briefcase in the 1955 noir film Kiss Me Deadly is such a classic MacGuffin that Quentin Tarantino borrowed it (or stole it, depending on your opinion of him as a filmmaker) for the Macguffin in his Pulp Fiction. In that movie, the glowing briefcase is something beautiful, famous, and valuable. In Kiss Me Deadly, it’s just as valuable, but a lot more deadly. In the film, tough-as-nails detective Mike Hammer happens upon an escaped mental patient in the middle of the desert. Then things start to get weird. After more twists than a rollercoaster, it becomes clear that everyone is after a glowing briefcase. Since this is 1955, the case contains something hot to the touch, atomic, and incredibly dangerous. Hammer (and the audience) are never quite clear what is in the case, but they know that an army of thugs are after it, and they don’t mind killing to get it. And in perfect MacGuffin tradition, the person who does finally get it dies in a fiery explosion. No wonder Marcellus Wallace was so pissed that those hamburger loving kids stole the thing.

1. Rosebud – Citizen Kane

In Orson Welles’ 1941 masterpiece Citizen Kane, an unseen newsreel reporter sifts through the wreckage of a man’s life, searching for the meaning behind his last words. The man is wealthy newspaper tycoon Charles Foster Kane, and the word is simply “rosebud.” The film is a wonderful example of how a MacGuffin works. The word “rosebud” is the impetus for the reporter’s search and the reason he’s been assigned the story, but besides a few mentions here and there, it quickly fades to the background as the men and women who knew Kane share their personal stories of how he loved, worked with, and ultimately hurt and betrayed the people closest to him. In the end, the secret of rosebud remains unknown to the reporter, although in the very last scene the audience sees that it was the name of his childhood sled. Critics and movie fans have debated for years what that final scene is about, but the reporter realizes that it doesn’t matter. No one thing or word defines a man, it’s how he treated the people around him that did. “Rosebud” is a classic MacGuffin; intriguing, mysterious, and ultimately meaningless.

Top 10 Child Stars Whose Lives Were Not Ruined By Fame

Considering the scandal, tragedy, and failure that typically plague child stars after their careers end, you’d think any parent would keep their child as far away from a Hollywood studio as humanly possible. Yet, despite the numbers of child actors who end up as drug addicts, alcoholics, criminals, or worst of all- reality show participants, millions of stage moms and dads drag their kids along to audition after audition, hoping their child will become the next Gary Coleman or Lindsey Lohan. All while keeping their fingers crossed that they can skip all the numerous betrayals, arrests or humiliations that seem to plague so many kids who spend time in front of a camera. Maybe those parents are thinking of the precious few child actors whose lives don’t turn into tabloid meltdowns and court proceedings. Those few who manage to cheat Fate and actually become functioning, successful adults. Here are the top ten child stars who managed to beat the curse.

10. Christian Bale

In 1987, a 13 year old Christian Bale rocketed to international fame playing the lead role in Steven Spielberg’s film Empire of the Sun. Despite his previous acting experiences in commercials and made-for-TV movies, Bale was quite unprepared for the sudden, scary adulation that he received for the role in school and on the streets. Unnerved as his mostly normal childhood disappeared overnight, young Bale made the decision to quit acting for good. He didn’t of course, but that first distaste of fame may have been what allowed Bale to avoid the traps of child stardom. The critical acclaim he received for the role in Empire of the Sun brought offers from all corners of the movie world. Offers which Bale and his father manager carefully chose. Instead of cashing in on his instant fame, Bale Sr. guided his son to interesting roles and kept him far from the temptations and pitfalls of Hollywood. Bale built up an impressive resume and made a perfect transition form child actor to adult one. He now holds the enviable position of being a major star and a respected actor. Sure, he did yell at that poor guy on the set of the Terminator movie, but overall, he seems like a pretty together guy.

9. Danica McKellar

Like many child stars, Danica McKellar really only had one role of any note. Playing the next-door neighbour and object of Fred Savage’s preteen affections on the hit TV series The Wonder Years, McKellar was a supporting character on a big network show. Once The Wonder Years ended and adulthood approached, McKellar found that the roles were starting to dry up and producers weren’t all that interested in casting a former child star. A pretty standard beginning in the former child star arc. All that remained for McKellar was to get high, steal a car, and screw up her life in an embarrassing public flameout. She had other plans. First, she studied mathematics at UCLA, coauthored a paper on her own mathematical theorem, and wrote a best-selling book that encouraged young women to break stereotypes and excel at math. She still does acting work (mostly voice over) and she now has three books under her belt. She’s beautiful, smart, successful, and most importantly of all, grounded. Do you hear that Screech? There is a better way.

8. Kurt Russell

Yes, Mr. Badass himself was once a child star. The movies haven’t really stood the test of time and his later work has mostly overshadowed them, but Kurt Russell became a huge star as a Disney contract player in the 1970s. He spent most of the Sixties amassing TV roles, but it wasn’t until Disney signed him to a ten year contract that his career took off. Russell became a bona fide teen idol in flicks like Original Family Band (where he met his future wife Goldie Hawn) and The Computer Wore Tennis Shoes. He was even a semi-pro baseball player for a time before an injury ended his career. After his childhood stardom, Russell continued to act and despite some failures (he lost out to Harrison Ford for the role of Han Solo), eventually struck up a partnership with director John Carpenter which began with an Emmy-award winning turn as the King himself in Elvis and included iconic anti-hero roles in Escape from New York, The Thing, and Big Trouble in Little China. His career has continued unabated ever since, giving lie to the belief that all child actors have to end up dead, drunk, or ashamed.

7. Dakota Fanning

It may be a little presumptuous to claim Dakota Fanning has missed the perils and pitfalls of a former child star considering she’s only 16, but all signs point to a healthy, interesting career for the young woman. Starting out in commercials at the tender age of five, Fanning quickly rose through the child star ranks, appearing on popular TV series and eventually big budget movies. Even at her young age, people realized Fanning wasn’t just another cute kid. At seven, she was nominated for a Screen Actors Guild Award for her work in I Am Sam. She continued to give amazing performances in all sorts of movies, working in everything from thrillers to voice-over work for cartoons that blew away her co-stars and critics alike. Fanning drew controversy for a 2006 role in Hounddog which her character is raped. But, consummate professional that she is, she patiently explained that it was “a movie. It’s not really happening.” Comments like that, and her decision in 2009 to lay off any more lead roles until she finishes high school, are evidence enough that no matter how her career goes, Dakota Fanning is one person who isn’t going to let fame screw her up.

6. Shirley Temple (Black)

Shirley Temple may be one of the best examples of a child star who leaves the entertainment industry completely, but still has a successful life. In the early 30s, Shirley Temple was not only the biggest child star, she was the biggest star period. With her golden locks, expressive eyes, and cute-without-being-cloying personality, she captivated the nation and ruled the box office. As she grew up, her acting career began to fade as audiences had trouble accepting her as anything but an angelic child. This is the part of the story where drugs, alcohol and a string of failed marriages to seedy guys called Eddie are supposed to enter the picture. But Shirley Temple was raised too well for that. She married, had a family, and set out upon a new career. She still appeared in some films and on TV, but she turned most of her attention to politics. After a few failed runs for office, she became an ambassador and diplomat. Yes, the little girl who sailed one the Good Ship Lollypop became a government official. She represented the United States’ interests at the UN, in Ghana, and finally Czechoslovakia. She also served on the boards of many companies, and published a best-selling book about her experiences.

5. Seth Green

Outside of Hollywood movies and TV sitcoms, nobody likes a smartass kid. Unless they grow up to be a smartass adult. Take Seth Green. After a successful career as a child actor- including his first role playing a young version of Woody Allen in Radio Days– Green has built a solid, respectable career playing likable smartasses in geek favorites like Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Family Guy, and his own Robot Chicken. That just might be the secret. Compared to so many young actors who traffic in the idea that they are tortured artists and that acting in such a hard job, Seth Green seems to genuinely enjoy his life and career. That permanent smirk on his face isn’t because he’s a jerk, it’s because he realizes just how lucky he is to make a good living playing pretend with his buddies and making people laugh. That or he’s a big a-hole. Either way, he has successfully avoided the child star trap. And you got to respect him for it.

4. Christina Ricci

One of the main reasons a lot of child stars can’t make the transition to adult fame is that cute doesn’t age well. A person may be adorable as a child, but take those same features and put them on an adult face, and it just looks creepy. The one exception to that rule may be Christina Ricci. She was a pretty cute kid, but there’s something just slightly off about her as an adult. But luckily for her, it’s a good kind of off. The quirky kind of off that allows a young actress to stand out from the legions of dyed blonde robo-beauties that flood into Los Angeles every year looking for stardom. After a healthy start playing cute kids in big movies like Mermaids and The Addams Family, Christina Ricci made the transition to adult fame almost seamlessly. One minute she was a child actor in Casper, the next she was giving complex adult performances in Ice Storm and The Opposite of Sex. Her career has slowed down a little lately, but she’s still a great actress and a long way from appearing on a crappy reality show to make a quick buck.

3. Joseph Gordon-Levitt

Otherwise known as the only three named child actor you don’t want to punch in the face, Joseph Gordon-Levitt has one other defining feature that has spared him the indignities of the former child star curse; he’s a terrific actor. He first came to public attention playing the old alien trapped in a teenager’s body on Third Rock from the Sun. If you didn’t know his later work, after reading that last sentence, you’d be forgiven for assuming Levitt disappeared off the face of the earth once the show was over. And he did, kind of. Avoiding the simple path to glory that so many teen actors take, Levitt instead chose difficult roles in dark films. He played a male prostitute in Mysterious Skin, and a high school gumshoe in Brick. His radical strategy of only appearing in what he called “good movies,” Levitt built up a critical following and reputation as one of the most interesting up and coming actors in Hollywood. Levitt’s is still young (30) and his career is still beginning. His ability to avoid the pitfalls of childhood fame has  guaranteed audiences another great actor to watch for years to come.

2. Kirsten Dunst

Like Christina Ricci, Kirsten Dunst made transitioning from a child star into an adult seem like the easiest thing in the world. After a successful career as a child model and actress, Dunst made her breakthrough with a well-received role in Interview With A Vampire opposite Tom Cruise and Brad Pitt. She went on to star in several more hits as a kid and teenager, and eventually landed the plum role of Mary Jane in the Spiderman films. And just to keep things interesting, she also appeared in several romantic comedies and indie films as well as starting a fledgling singing career. But this is where Dunst’s story gets interesting. She actually battled with mental illness as an adult and stopped working and entered a rehab facility to battle depression. Sounds familiar, right? But unlike so many other of her former child star colleagues, Dunst got help and resumed her career with barely a hiccough. If only Dana Plato would have done the same.

1. Ron Howard

Studying the career or Ron Howard should be a requirement for any kid actor who wants a career that lasts longer than his 19^th birthday. For starters, Howard actually came back from being a former child star twice. In 1960, when he was six years old, he was cast as the precocious Opie on the Andy Griffith Show. Once that ended, he bounced around and turned in a few TV roles here and there, but it wasn’t until 1973 when he starred in American Graffiti and Happy Days that he was a star again. This time, Howard wasn’t prepared to let anyone but himself decide the future of his career. He left Happy Days at the height of its popularity and began a quest to become a director. Trading on his fame, he made a deal with B-movie producer Roger Corman to star in one of his movies, but only if he could direct another one himself. He did, and parlayed the experience into gigs directing TV and lower budget movies. The rest is history. Howard has directed major hits, critically acclaimed dramas, and has an Academy Award. Now that’s how you have a career, kids!

Top 10 Interesting Facts About Chess

In this list we approach some of the most interesting areas and facts relating to chess which makes it one of the most popular games.  Its long history and dynamic nature have produced many chess players around the world – according to The Chess in the Olympics Campaign, “605 million people worldwide know how to play chess.”

Here are 10 of the most interesting areas/facts about chess:

10. The History Of Chess

Chess has a very long and distinguished history.  It is believed to originate out of India during the Gupta empire, and subsequently made its way to the West in the 9^th century.  Of course there have been many different advancements between the time periods of then and now, which has made chess what it is today.

For instance, allowing pawns to advance two squares only from its original position was introduced in 1280 in Spain.  Pawn promotion rules were limited for quite some time, such as in the 18^th and 19^th century when it was limited to a previously-capture piece.  Of course, now a pawn may be promoted to a knight, bishop, rook, or queen (there may be more than one queen now, as opposed to earlier times).

9. Short and Long Games

In chess it is amazing to consider how short or long a game may be.  To the former the quickest mate is as follows: 1. f3 e5 2. g4 Qh4++ This is known as Fool’s mate (there are other variations of this mate).  And yes, a draw or resignation may occur before a move is played, which can occur in the case of a tournament standings scenario or a player that fails to show up for his or her game, respectively.

The longest tournament game of chess lasted for 269 moves (20 hours, 15 minutes), which ended in a draw.  Theoretical estimates for a longest game are varied and extreme (5,000+ moves), which are complicated by special rules (and bad play!); i.e. the 50-move rule and 3-move repetition.

8. The Dynamic Queen

There could be a top 10 list just on the queen, which has undergone a number of changes over history.

Starting out as being able to move only one square diagonally, it was later able to move two squares – and further along the road, able to move like a knight.  Of course now, thankfully, the queen is able to move diagonally, horizontally, and vertically to the scope of another piece.

Originally the queen was the “fers,” a counselor or prime minister, the king’s advisor.  The Europeans later changed it in the 1400s to become the strongest piece in chess.

7. Can You Play Chess Blindfolded?

Blindfold chess is real and documented in world records.  It is as it sounds: a player makes all of his or her moves without looking at a board.  Usually there is a “middle man” of sorts to give and receive moves for the game.

Blindfold chess is an impressive skill that many stronger chess players possess.  It certainly requires a keen ability to see the board clearly, which can get difficult after many moves.  The record was set in 1960 in Budapest by Hungarian Janos Flesch, who played 52 opponents simultaneously while blindfolded – he won 31 of those games.

6. Endless Possibilities

After three moves – that is three moves by each side (each “move” in chess takes into consideration a move by White and Black) – there are over nine million possible positions.  Similar calculations have been made; if you’re mathematically-inclined, look up Shannon number for estimates on the complexity of chess.

The possibilities in chess add to its beauty.  You surely don’t have to worry of the same position when you play, which lends to the importance of pattern recognition and position-specific strategies.  In other words, you have to think when at the board – it’s definitely not all the same.

5. Care for Opening Theory?

Opening theory goes nicely along with the “endless” possibilities regarding chess.  An opening is defined as a series of moves to start out a game, which can include many different sub variations.  There are well over 1,000 different openings, including variations within larger openings/defenses that one can learn.

Openings are a unique aspect of chess as well.  It also allows chess players a way to “prepare” for an opponent or play to their chess style.  For instance, there are many different types of defenses that one can learn to suit an aggressive or positional style of play; i.e. the King’s Indian or the Queen’s Indian defenses respectfully against 1. d4.

4. The Onset of Chess Variants…And Boxing?

To no surprise the market of chess variants is wide and varied (sorry, pun intended).  There are a number of variants that alter the pieces, the board, and anything from putting three chess boards on top of each other.  You can even put two chess boards side-by-side and play Bughouse – where you capture a piece and hand it to your opponent for placement.

Chess boxing has emerged in recent years, mixing in a round of boxing for a pre-defined time on a chess board.  You fall on one front and you lose.  It brings another interesting aspect to the world of chess and its variants, which certainly appeal to some people looking for a new twist.

3. Chess Computers – Deep Blue and Others

Chess computers are now a very important part of chess.  Most famously Garry Kasparov, world champion and known as one of the strongest players in the history of chess, was defeated by IBM’s Deep Blue in 1997 in a six-game match.  Aside from claims of cheating, this was a major shock to the chess world.

In 2006 world champion Vladimir Kramnik was defeated by Deep Fritz, furthering the statement of the strength of chess computers.  Today chess programs are easily available to chess players that are essential in analyzing games and improving.  They commonly rate within the same strength of Grandmasters.

2. Chess and Your Brain

Chess is often cited by psychologists as an effective way to improve memory function.  Also allowing the mind to solve complex problems and work through ideas, it is no wonder that chess is recommended in the fight against Alzheimer’s.  Some contend that it can increase one’s intelligence, though that is a more complex topic.

The effects of chess on young individuals had led to chess being introduced in school districts and various countries.  It has been shown to improve children’s grades and other positive effects as well.

1. The Turk – A Chess Machine

The Turk was an 18^th century chess machine, or so people thought.  Victimizing a number of people such as Napoleon Bonaparte and Benjamin Franklin, it was actually not a machine.

Including an elaborate construction that included a method to hide its operator, a human chess player was inside of the Turk.  When it was lost in the fire the secret was out, and the Turk remains another interesting chess story of all time.

Top 10 Music Producers

The annals of Pop Music history are rightly filled with the talented and charismatic men and women who played, sang, and danced their way into the public consciousness. Fans memorize their songs, see their shows, and most importantly, buy their records. But great albums and singles don’t just come out of nowhere. It takes a real professional to take the talent of an artist and shape and present it in the best way possible. Record companies pay big bucks to ensure that the talent they find records albums that people want to buy. And the people they pay are producers. Here is a list of ten great producers who not only served their record company bosses some of the biggest selling records in history, but also allowed the singers and musicians they worked with to sound their very best.

10. The Neptunes

Baby, I Got Your Money (NSFW version) Ol’ Dirty Bastard

The only duo on the list, The Neptunes- composed of Pharrell Williams and Chad Hugo- were basically responsible for the sound of almost every top ten record at the turn of the century. Starting with well received singles for hip hop artists like Ol’ Dirty Bastard and Busta Rhymes, they quickly became the most sought after producers in the business. Impressed with their unique synth and sample heavy mixes, everybody and their uncle wanted to work with The Neptunes. They were soon producing big records for everybody from Britney Spears and Justin Timberlake to Snoop Dogg. They remixed just about everyone, and in the process reached the rare status of superstar producers. Their influence was so great at one point that artists and labels used them to market their hits. Of course it didn’t hurt that Williams sang on most of their tracks and often had just as much ormore talent than some of the artists they were working with. There are a lot of famous producers in pop music, but few became stars in the way that The Neptunes have.

9. Butch Vig

Today Smashing Pumpkins

After a somewhat successful stint as a drummer and soundtrack composer (he even contributed a track to the b-movie classic Slumber Party Massacre), Butch Vig gave up performing and started his own record label and recording studio. From almost the very beginning of his producing career, Vig made a huge name for himself working on big records from the emerging indie scene’s best groups. Behind the controls for such milestone records as Gish and Siamese Dream by The Smashing Pumpkins and one of the most important rock records of all time, Nevermind by Nirvana, Butch Vig took the raw, grungy sounds of the alternative scene and polished them into pop classics that crossed over but lost none of their authenticity or grit. After helping to redefine what rock and roll could sound like, Vig returned to performing with the mega-successful band Garbage. He still produces for bands like The Foo Fighters and others, but he made his mark bringing a clear, crisp sheen to the greatest grunge records ever released.

8. Daniel Lanois

Don’t Give Up Peter Gabriel featuring Kate Bush

If you bought a modern rock record in the mid to late 80s, chances are you’ve heard the production of Daniel Lanois. Responsible for the slick, smoky sound of such classic records as The Unforgettable Fire and The Joshua Tree for U2 and So by Peter Gabriel, Lanois’ work was all over the radio and video channels. A successful solo artist and multi-instrumentalist in his own right, Lanois brought an intensity and sense of perfection to his production work. Although his recording sessions are famously contentious, groups returned to him again and again for the sound he could bring to their albums and the quality work he could get out of them. One of Lanois’ greatest strengths is his ability to make synthesizers and other electronic instruments sound organic. Even in the 80s, when most pop music sounded like auditory plastic, Lanois’ (and his frequent collaborator Brian Eno) skill at making music sound natural allowed artists to explore new sounds while still maintaining an authentic, natural sound. And one that’s unmistakenly influenced by Daniel Lanois.

7. Todd Rundgren

Paradise By The Dashboard Light Meatloaf

If Daniel Lanois was the producer who defined what great rock records sounded like in the 1980s, Todd Rundgren did the same thing in the 1970s. Rundgren started as a guitarist and singer for a garage rock band called Nazz. Unsatisfied with the sound of their records, Rundgren taught himself how to engineer and produce albums. When Nazz floundered, he turned to producing full time and amassed a resume of some great records. Rundgren produced watershed albums for rock royalty like The Band, Hall and Oates, Patti Smith, Cheap Trick, and countless others. He produced and played lead guitar one of the biggest records of all time- Meat Loaf’s Bat out of Hell. Never satisfied with previous work, Rundgren continued to record his own records solo and with various groups and has become one of rock’s great experimenters and early adopters of new technology. He’s always been an innovator and always been one of the great rock and roll producers.

6. T-Bone Burnett

Down in the River To Pray Alison Krauss

Few people have done as much as musician, songwriter and producer T-Bone Burnett to keep classic American music in the public eye. As a legendary producer and soundtrack supervisor, Burnett has had a hand in some of the most popular roots and traditional albums of the last thirty years. Whenever an artist wants to record an album of traditional music, they usually turn to Burnett to get the songs and sound they want. Elvis Costello, Robert Plant, Allison Krauss, and others have all recorded roots albums with Burnett, whose musicianship and knack for recording helped them revive interest and sales in the genre. Burnett has also been an influential soundtrack coordinator, overseeing such classics as The Big Lebowski and O Brother, Where Art Thou? When he isn’t busy putting together great records, he also helps actors like Joaquin Phoenix and Reese Witherspoon not make total fools of themselves when they portray musicians on screen. Burnett also produced a lot of huge pop records for groups like The Counting Crows and The Wallflowers, but don’t hold that against him.

5. Dr. Dre

Gin and Juice (Uncensored Version) Snoop Dogg

Rock and Roll isn’t the only genre with super producers. In the 80s, a kid from Los Angeles called Andre Romelle Young (better known as Dr. Dre) was busy defining the sound of West Coast rap music and helping create the careers of the genre’s biggest acts.. After a successful start as a local D.J., Dr Dre met up with an enterprising drug dealer and rapper called Eazy-E to form NWA. With Dre producing, the group shot to almost instant national fame and notoriety with their raw sound and controversial lyrics. Once the group dissolved over financial problems, Dre embarked on a successful solo career and became a producer for just about every rap artist who mattered. Besides his own platinum albums, he worked on hit records for Snoop Dogg, 2Pac, Eminem, 50 Cent, The Game, and others. Influenced by funk stalwarts like George Clinton and Curtis Mayfield, Dr. Dre avoided samples, preferring the flexibility of using live musicians to create his beats. The resulting tracks were heavy on synthesizers and keyboards, creating a unique sound that came to dominate the West Coast scene and continues to influence hip hop records to this day.

4. Sam Philips

Rocket 88 Ike Turner/ Jackie Brenston

When young Sam Phillips realized he didn’t have enough money to pursue his dream of being a lawyer, he settled for his second choice and went to broadcasting school. The legal system’s loss was rock and roll’s undying gain. Starting a little label called Sun Records, Sam Phillips was responsible for discovering some of early rock’s most influential artists. Elvis Presley, Johnny Cash, B.B. King, Jerry Lee Lewis, Howlin’ Wolf, and Carl Perkins were among the rock gods who laid down tracks overseen by Phillips. An artist’s producer first and foremost, he allowed young singers like Elvis to play around in the studio and find their way naturally to the best take. Less interested in audio perfection than most producers, Phillips chose the takes he felt best captured the emotion of the song and the people performing it. One of the architects of rock music, Phillips will always be remembered for his fantastic ear for new talent and his ability to get real, raw performances out of it. A lot of people have claimed to have invented Rock and Roll, but few people have as strong a claim as Sam Phillips.

3. Berry Gordy

My Girl The Temptations

Berry Gordy revolutionized popular music and basically created a brand new genre with his star-packed record label Motown. Assembling perhaps the greatest collection of musical talent in the history of popular music, Gordy brought the world The Temptations, Smokey Robinson and the Miracles, Marvin Gaye, the Supremes, The Jackson 5, Stevie Wonder and many more. Gordy knew how to spot talent, but more importantly, he really knew how to package and market that talent. By creating a wholesome image for his stable of singers, he was able to bring Black American music to mainstream white audiences in a way no one else ever has. But all the marketing in the world wouldn’t have made a difference if the music wasn’t good. And boy was Motown music good. Gordy employed a small army of incredibly talented song writers and session musicians and had a magician’s knack for matching artists to songs. Despite the long whispered rumors and accusations that he was a control freak who exploited his artists, Gordy’s legacy in popular music is forever cemented. The guy produced “My Girl.” If that isn’t worth a lifetime pass, what is?

2. Phil Spector

Then He Kissed Me The Crystals

While Barry Gordy was busy creating the Motown sound to great acclaim and sales in Detroit, a musician, songwriter and session player called Phil Spector was putting the final touches on one of the other trademark sounds of the 60s. Dubbed by Spector “The Wall of Sound” it involved densely layered multiple tracks, plenty of echo, and a mix custom designed to sound great in mono on AM radio and jukeboxes. The technique allowed Spector to create single after single of lushly arranged pop masterpieces and create a reputation for himself bigger than the artists he produced. In later years, he worked extensively with former Beatles John Lennon and George Harrison, producing Let it Be (without Paul McCartney’s blessing) and several of their solo hits. Still incorporating the Wall of Sound technique, he produced timeless Lennon solo tracks like Happy Christmas (War is Over) and Imagine. Unfortunately, Spector’s increasingly erratic behavior (and his penchant for pulling guns on the artists he worked with), led to a slow demise of his career and reputation. Still, his legacy is firmly cemented in rock history and his songs still define classic rock to this day.

1. George Martin

Strawberry Fields Forever The Beatles

On February 13th, 1962, a record producer called George Martin had the most important meeting in the history of pop music. Already a successful producer of classical albums, cast recordings of musicals, and comedy acts, Martin was interested in branching out to rock and roll. Auditioning a young group of Liverpool musicians, he initially wasn’t all that impressed with their skill, but liked their vocals and personality. Martin swallowed his reservations and- after firing their drummer- signed the Beatles to a recording contract. Martin nurtured the group through their first recording sessions and helped Paul McCartney and John Lennon shape and hone their massive, but still raw, talents. Under his guidance, the two songwriters, along with George and Ringo, blossomed into the greatest band of all time. The Beatles wrote great songs, but they recorded amazing records. Working with Martin, they expanded the boundaries of pop music and smashed all preconceived notions of what a rock and roll record could sound like. Martin was an old hand at producing, but he shared a love of experimentation and helped the Beatles bring classical instruments, sound effects, and studio tricks to their records. George Martin produced a lot of other groups in his career, but he’ll always be remembered for creating the greatest pop records the world has ever heard.

Top 10 Internet Sensations Turned into Pointless Books

When something on the Internet gets popular, it can get really gets popular.  Viral videos and meme-oriented websites are everywhere, as millions of people with the similar senses of humor all discover something at the same time and declare it the funniest thing they’ve seen in the past fourteen minutes.

This is all well and good, until old-fashioned capitalism kicks in and some company decides to make a book out of said video or website.  In short, what you once got for free, you are now expected to pay for.

10. Bacon Explosion

In 2009, two guys logged onto bbqaddicts.com and posted a “recipe” for sausage wrapped in bacon.  Because it was over 5,000 calories and most people probably get exhausted just from eating it, it became a massive hit.  Facebook groups were formed dedicated to what was little more than meat wrapped in more meat, and the original posters received a six-figure cookbook deal.  Six figures, as in “at least a hundred thousand dollars.”  The only reason this entry is so low on the list is because the book will not actually contain the Bacon Explosion recipe.  Perhaps the creators realized that if you actually need an entire recipe for what amounts to “Take meat.  Wrap in bacon.  Drown in BBQ sauce.  Eat,” then you’re probably not the kind to buy a book anyway.

9. Anonymous (Group)

At its heart, Anonymous is a bunch of nameless, faceless, Internet users who love to hack websites and troll people endlessly because it’s just so hilarious.  Occasionally they don V for Vendetta masks, protest oppressive things, and scream angry threats at Scientology offices.  This makes them feel important.  Since the group doesn’t have a charismatic leader to go on the news and let us all know exactly what Anonymous stands for, it’s very hard to write a book about them.  And when somebody did, they evidently didn’t even try; the one Amazon review for Anonymous (group) makes it very clear that the book is nothing more than various Wikipedia articles, sometimes with the citation marks still intact.  Then again, this book might have been written by a member of Anonymous in order to annoy the book world with how bad it is.  Because, to Anonymous, annoying people is hilarious.

8. Denis Leary’s Tweets

A Twitter account is the easiest thing in the world to follow.  Click that you want to follow it, and then do so.  No harm, no foul, no charge.  Comedian Denis Leary, however, realized that compiling some of his funniest tweets into book form could make him some money, so he did just that.  Never mind that you can easily read the entire book in less than ten minutes while evading bookstore staff; you’re still expected to pay eight bucks for it.  To be fair, some of the money goes to his firefighter’s charity, but if you really wanted to make a difference, donate the entire eight dollars directly to the charity, and then follow his tweets as you normally would.  No need to clutter your bookshelf further.

7. Garfield Minus Garfield

The webcomic is genius, and we’re taking nothing away from it; remove Garfield from his own comic strip, and you’re left with Jon: lonely, highly depressed, and talking to himself until the end of days.  But since the comics are still available online (all 110+ pages of it), it makes actually buying the book an exercise in futility.  Jim Davis, the creator of Garfield, tried his hand at a few Minus Garfields, and that would be the bulk of the book’s exclusive content.  Sadly, his attempts aren’t nearly as good or as biting as the original webcomics; this makes sense, as they are written by the guy who does Garfield, after all.

6. Postsecret

The original PostSecret blog allowed people to anonymously confess things along the lines of “I thought of him when I was marrying you” in convenient postcard form.  Fair enough, yet this managed to become a book compilation, allowing the author to profit off of other people whose pain is so intense they can only bring themselves to talk about it in nameless postcard form.  On the other hand, if you buy this book, and find yourself identifying with “my wife thinks I’m having an affair with her sister…wrong sibling,” then you can confess with a real live postcard of somebody else’s very own.

5. Stuff White People Like

White people like lame things!  There, we just saved you ten bucks.  Seriously, that’s the entire gist of this site-turned-book.  Evidently, they enjoy soy lattes, scarves, the World Cup, recycling, dogs, and all other sorts of stupid things that, by extension, non-white people don’t like at all.  To give the author credit, he at least wrote up actual essays about each thing white people like, and put some thought into them.  This is opposed to the usual viral blog approach: one goofy picture and one sentence such as “They like sushi?  Uncooked fish!?  That’s sooooo white!”

4. Oolong the Rabbit

Photo by Rex Features

And now we start to scrape the bottom of the barrel.  Oolong was a rabbit that was photographed by his owner balancing things on his head.  Sometimes it was a pancake.  Sometimes it was a CD.  Sometimes it was toilet paper.  Each time, it was adorable.  But adorable enough to compile into coffee table book form?  Evidently, because that’s exactly what happened.  A 120-page book of free-on-the-Net pictures does in fact exist; perfect for when you want to glance at a cute bunny with something on his head, but have neither the ability to print the pictures yourself, nor an actual bunny that can balance things just as well.

3. Barack Obama is Your New Bicycle

This is the Obama meme, in a nutshell: white background with gigantic text describing a random act of kindness Barack Obama just did for you.  That’s all.  And that is now a book.  In exchange for money that could be used to buy food or real literature, you can buy 366 random sentences such as “Barack Obama remembered your birthday”, or “Barack Obama tuned your guitar for you.”  Great for those days when you want to read one meaningless sentence involving the President, but just don’t feel like clicking any links.

2. I Can Has Cheezburger

Remember the rabbit from earlier?  Well, multiply that by a billion and you have the cheezburger cats.  More than likely you’re aware of this phenomenon; take funny pictures of cats and add comically misspelled captions to make them seem uneducated.  There are multiple books compiling these cats and they are, in fact, bestsellers.  And don’t you dog people feel superior, as there are books featuring cheezburger dogs saying stupidly misspelled things while riding invisible snowboards or something along that line.  To be fair, there are now millions of funny animal pictures on the website, and some people need an author or two to pick their absolute favorites out for them.

1. (Bleep) My Dad Says

This is number 1 for one reason and one reason only: it transcended being a pointless book and became a pointless TV show as well.  The original meme was a Twitter feed where a guy recorded a bunch of comically grouchy quotes his Dad may or may not have actually said.  It was a monster hit, and naturally spawned a book version for those who hate when their Internet comedy is free.  But this somehow was not enough, and CBS greenlighted a TV show based on the idea of a lovably grumpy old man saying off-the-wall one-liners.  Despite “lovably grumpy people spewing one-liners” being the central theme of 80% of sitcoms filmed, ever, this one was different because it came from the Internet, and we all know the vast literary muses that pop up there.